Sunday, November 28, 2010

The Benefits of Retaining Ex-Boyfriends for Purposes of Friendship & Bodily Safety

My good friend Sean turned 26 yesterday, so we met up at our favorite townie bar, located approximately one mile from my home. (Not this bar. Another mile-away bar. It's the Midwest, y'all. We like our townie bars.)

I was just looking for darts & '90s beats, not for dramz. But toward the end of the night, when I made my way to the jukebox to select some sweet tunage a la Salt & Pepa's "None of Your Business," a bachelorette party clad in matching tie-dyed shirts swarmed in. I am not a squealing kinda girl, in case you were unsure; in fact, the thought makes me shudder. So a they squealed & stampeded all around me, I shot them my best withering "keep it down" look - & that's where the trouble began.

Small, blond & pretty, the offender was unassuming - but boy, was she squealy. She sidled up to me & literally screamed into my left ear, a high-pitched "SQUEEEE" designed to either piss me off or break my eardrum or both. Probably both. When I turned to her, terrified, she giggled, "Oops, sorry. Didn't mean to offend you," then turned to walk away... but returned to close with, "Except I did!" As I kept picking songs (I believe there was some MGMT & some Elton John involved), I heard her tell her comrades in tie-dyed arms about the incident, laughing at me for scaring so easily & calling me a number of names I hadn't earned just for going deaf.

I could've let it go, but... I couldn't. As I returned to my friends & the dart board, I brushed past her: "You're hilarious," I said, stone-faced. And kept walking. Not my best line, but it did the trick... except then I got scared. I heard her retelling the story to her equally squealy posse, then stepping it up by purposefully bumping into my friends & trying to intimidate us. It worked, as I am easily intimidated.

But I had a secret weapon. What the woo-girls didn't know was that the friend they chose to bodycheck was Kevin, my friend-turned-boyfriend-turned-ex-boyfriend-returned friend... the off-duty bartender. He was quick to jump into action: A few stare-downs & a bit of tinkering behind the bar later, the offenders realized their mistake & before Kevin could kick them out, left. Without further incident. In a hurry. On a party bus.

One good thing came of this bizarre & unexpected encounter. In the adrenaline rush that came with fear trumped by power & then by victory, I threw a bullseye & promptly roared, "MY FURY IS A GENIUS!"

Who takes their bachelorette party to a townie bar, anyway? I win this round, woo-girls.
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