VEDA, Meet VODA

VEDA, Meet VODA

Thursday, August 16, 2012

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VEDA stands for Vlog Every Day in August, an annual video project that a lot of bloggers are doing right now. Me? Yeahhh, right. There are days when I don't shower, let alone videotape myself speaking to the masses (or, dozens). Yesterday, though, I did my hair & everything, so today I present you with VODA. That's Vlog One Day in August, of course - though I vlog so rarely that I could just call this VOE: Vlog Once, Ever.

Anyway. Enjoy!

...Or don't. I'm not sure that I did, but it was a good exercise. I think.

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Actual Ridiculous Questions That I Have Actually Been Asked

Actual Ridiculous Questions That I Have Actually Been Asked

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

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Look, I know everyone's really tired of the "Shit ___ Say" videos. I love Katiey's post, "Shit Everyone Says: When A Meme Goes Into Overdrive," which talks about how she, as a single white woman, has said at least three things from, like, every one of these video she's watched - including Shit Guys Say, Shit Asian Girls Say, Shit Baby Mamas Say. Today, I submitted a post of my own to Jewesses With Attitude about how sadly unfunny I find Shit Jewish Girls Say to be. (Has that guy ever met a Jewish woman?)

And then I found Shit Christians Say to Jews, & I fell in love with this meme all over again.





I grew up in a city in Northeast Ohio woefully lacking in diversity. To my knowledge, my mother & I together made up 50% of the Jewish population! With this video as my inspiration, I thought I'd share with you a few things people have actually said to me regarding my Judaism - some of these more than once.

• "What do you think about the situation in the Middle East?"
• "Do you only sleep with circumcised guys?"
• "You don't look Jewish." 
• "Do you celebrate Thanksgiving?"
• "I used to think all Jewish people had horns."
• "Have you ever seen Schindler's List?"
• "So do you hate Arabs?"
• "Do you guys have your own version of the 10 Commandments?"
• "Jesus was Jewish! So I know he loves you, too."
• "Wait, but your hair is blond."
• "I used to work with a Jewish guy! Maybe you know him. David Cohen?"
• "What is a synagogue?" 
• "Do you to want to eventually move to Israel?"
• "I just feel so bad. I don't want you to go to hell."
• "I love Jews! They're the Chosen People."
• "So, like, what do Jews have against Jesus?"
• "You don't have a Jewish last name."
• "Oh my God, you can't eat bacon, right?!"
• "Well, your dad wasn't Jewish so you're not, like, a real Jew."
• "Are you, like, a Jew for Jesus, or the kind of Jew that doesn't believe in him?"
• "You totally don't have Jewish hair!"
• "Do you ever miss Christmas?"
• "My mom said I can't be friends with you because you're going to go to hell."
• "Are you half-Jewish or full-Jewish?"
• "I'm a completed Jew. Do you know what that means? It means I've accepted Jesus as my savior."
• "You're lucky. Seth Rogen is so cute!"
  
• "What's the deal with those guys with the curls & the hats?"

For the record, every time someone has told me, "Hey, you don't look Jewish!" I've longed to reply with, "Hey, you don't look ignorant!"

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Rethinking My Taste for Japanese Food, One Shocking Dish at a Time

Rethinking My Taste for Japanese Food, One Shocking Dish at a Time

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

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The night before Nathan got underway, we went out for a pre-deployment feast. "Let's go all out!" I declared. "Let's try new things!" We've fallen into a routine, always ordering the same four or five things, so we decided to get a little bit culinarily adventurous. Here is where I should note two things about our ordering decisions:

1. We usually order veggie tempura, but I've gotten a bit New Englandy & discovered a like (I wouldn't call it a love yet) of crab & lobster, so I suggested we go with the soft-shell crab tempura this time. He agreed.
   
   
2. Nathan became excited about the idea of knocking something off of his 101 in 1,001 List (see mine here), which was "Eat an animal I've never tried before." Because I told him trout didn't count, he went with sea urchin sushi. When the waiter asked if he'd like egg atop it, he expected tamago, a sweet egg made with suga - so he said yes.

When our appetizer showed up, it looked like this:

Yeah, that's not what I had in mind. While I blubbered on & on about OH MY GOD, THAT IS AN ENTIRE DEEP-FRIED CRAB all while doing my best not to make A Huge Scene (capital letters required because this was a feat), Nathan bravely ripped off & ingested a leg. And then another. He eventually convinced me to - very hesitantly - do the same, though I neither of us could bring ourselves to eat very much of it, & we were so, so relieved when the busboy finally whisked it away.

Except then our meal came:

Yes, ABOMINATION. That's the sea urchin nigiri with raw quail eggs atop it - because sea urchin alone wasn't bad enough. Remember the time Nathan drank a Longshoreman? Yeah, it's sort of like he has a salmonella death wish. Hey, did you want a close-up of that sushi disaster? I thought you might:

 

I'll wait while you struggle to keep your last meal down. And in case you were wondering whether this little gem of a dish went down smoothly (uh, the answer is obviously that it didn't), I caught it on tape for you...

...except that I felt so bad for him that I turned the camera off after only a few seconds. And he dry heaved half of the way home.

Yes, it seems I got a little too big for my britches when I bragged in this post that I'd dramatically expanded my palate. Perhaps I'll stick to good old grilled cheese for a bit while I recover from this one.

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"The Wire" Goes Suburban (Or My Boyfriend Drinks a Raw Egg)

"The Wire" Goes Suburban (Or My Boyfriend Drinks a Raw Egg)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

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I'm knee-deep in episodes of "The Wire," which Nate bought in its entirety off Amazon. At present, we're closing in on the end of Season Two, which focuses on Baltimore's Stevedores, or dock workers. "The Wire" covers lots of topics that ought to make me cringe - drugs & murder, for starters - but thus far, the scene I've found the most unsettling is one in which the longshoremen pop into their favorite bar early in the morning for a breakfast drink of beer, a shot & a raw egg. Together. Chugged.

Yesterday night, Nate & I were headed out to meet up with his friends at a nearby bar. Before we left, he made clear his obsession with "The Wire" when he easily agreed, with only my gentle prodding, to try a longshoreman's breakfast of his own - one can of PBR, one shot of rye whiskey &, yes, one raw egg. Observe:

Forgive me, for I was distracted by my disgust & briefly stopped filming. When I realized the error of my ways, I quickly turned the camera back on for a reaction shot:

 

Frank & Nico would be proud. Or would they?

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A Video Starring Yours Truly as a Human Saltwater Fountain

A Video Starring Yours Truly as a Human Saltwater Fountain

Friday, October 29, 2010

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My SOS went out via Twitter:

I then proceeded to fall asleep for three hours; when I awoke, I found myself inundated with helpful responses. (Thanks, Twitter!) As a result, I purchased Sinex, Zicam & the grand centerpiece, a NeilMed NetiPot.

If you've never used a NetiPot, here's the deal. It's a small plastic teapot that costs an arm & a leg. You fill it with hot water & saline, & then you pour it into your face. Seriously. Pour it into one nostril, & it comes out the other, along the way cleaning out your sinuses like you're some kind of freaking human fountain. Build on that craziness by adding a few kickers: For example, the instructions warn sinus sufferers like me not to use boiling water for fear of scalding the nasal cavity, which sounds like a fate far worse than a sinus infection. And it instructs you to breathe while you do it, but breathing borders on impossible when you're snorting saltwater. How do drug addicts multi-task?! Color me impressed.

It goes against my better judgment to show you the following video. For one, I'm makeup-less & ponytailed, which is not a look you'll ever see me sporting publicly. But I was sick, & everyone knows that sick days are ugly days. And in this case, funny days. This video is too good not to share:

It was an absolutely heinous experience, as you can see, & it took me about four tries to get it right. Of course, even when done correctly, it tasted like wiping out in the ocean - like when you're a kid on a boogie board chillin' in the Atlantic, & a wave crashes over you & you biff into a sandbar & come up choking on enough salt to melt a polar icecap.

Except I think it cleared out my sinuses. So I'm still doin' it.

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All My Bags Are Packed, I'm Ready to Go

All My Bags Are Packed, I'm Ready to Go

Friday, October 1, 2010

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"The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things. Of travel & trips & moving boxes & of whether pigs have wings." Wait, what? That's not how the "Alice in Wonderland" poem goes, you say?

Oh.

Well, the time has come nonetheless.

First, an admission: Yesterday I had something of an "OMG who have I become" moment when I passed a spinning rack of tchotchkes at CVS & contemplated purchasing a silver keychain with an engraving of the Capitol building on it. And then, 15 minutes later, I talked myself out of shelling out for an "I <3 DC" tote bag from the memorabilia seller near the Metro who caters to Zoo-going families & sells panda paraphernalia galore. I'm going to miss this city, sure, but thank God I stopped myself from becoming a damn tourist about it.

Clearly I'm a little brain-addled as a result of all this moving business.

Today, for example, while I waited for my mom to arrive, I made this very emo video on my new iPhone 3GS. Do you love the still shot that YouTube chose to go with the video? Oh, me too, it's really flattering. Shouldn't I be embarrassed to be putting this video up on the interwebz for the world to see? Yes, probably. Alas, I'm shameless:

 

Moral? Thanks for tuning in & bearing with & all that other good stuff. I promise more upbeat posts are on their way, hopefully after trips to places like Wal-Mart, which are always guaranteed to result in some wacky Midwestern stories.

So without further ado or moping, this is your Suburban Sweetheart officially signing off from the capital. Next time, I'll be coming to you from the actual suburbs of the Buckeye State, home of the burning river & that traitor LeBron James! It's been real, D.C., but:

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Tasteless Giveaway Winner!

Tasteless Giveaway Winner!

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

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