The Benefits of Retaining Ex-Boyfriends for Purposes of Friendship & Bodily Safety

Sunday, November 28, 2010

My good friend Sean turned 26 yesterday, so we met up at our favorite townie bar, located approximately one mile from my home. (Not this bar. Another mile-away bar. It's the Midwest, y'all. We like our townie bars.)

I was just looking for darts & '90s beats, not for dramz. But toward the end of the night, when I made my way to the jukebox to select some sweet tunage a la Salt & Pepa's "None of Your Business," a bachelorette party clad in matching tie-dyed shirts swarmed in. I am not a squealing kinda girl, in case you were unsure; in fact, the thought makes me shudder. So a they squealed & stampeded all around me, I shot them my best withering "keep it down" look - & that's where the trouble began.

Small, blond & pretty, the offender was unassuming - but boy, was she squealy. She sidled up to me & literally screamed into my left ear, a high-pitched "SQUEEEE" designed to either piss me off or break my eardrum or both. Probably both. When I turned to her, terrified, she giggled, "Oops, sorry. Didn't mean to offend you," then turned to walk away... but returned to close with, "Except I did!" As I kept picking songs (I believe there was some MGMT & some Elton John involved), I heard her tell her comrades in tie-dyed arms about the incident, laughing at me for scaring so easily & calling me a number of names I hadn't earned just for going deaf.

I could've let it go, but... I couldn't. As I returned to my friends & the dart board, I brushed past her: "You're hilarious," I said, stone-faced. And kept walking. Not my best line, but it did the trick... except then I got scared. I heard her retelling the story to her equally squealy posse, then stepping it up by purposefully bumping into my friends & trying to intimidate us. It worked, as I am easily intimidated.

But I had a secret weapon. What the woo-girls didn't know was that the friend they chose to bodycheck was Kevin, my friend-turned-boyfriend-turned-ex-boyfriend-returned friend... the off-duty bartender. He was quick to jump into action: A few stare-downs & a bit of tinkering behind the bar later, the offenders realized their mistake & before Kevin could kick them out, left. Without further incident. In a hurry. On a party bus.

One good thing came of this bizarre & unexpected encounter. In the adrenaline rush that came with fear trumped by power & then by victory, I threw a bullseye & promptly roared, "MY FURY IS A GENIUS!"

Who takes their bachelorette party to a townie bar, anyway? I win this round, woo-girls.


  1. I'm confused as to why a stranger would randomly scream in your ear. What a freak!

  2. Those girls were obnoxious, and knew it. I hate preppy rich girls who think they can do whatever they want and get away with it. You should have pulled that little bitch's hair...people like that want to feel powerful by intimidating others. Next time, don't show fear, and they'll back down.

  3. Also, this is the very first time I have ever used html without really needing to. Granted, it was just italics, but still!

  4. I can totally see this happening to me and me WANTING to do what you did, but not. Haha. Way to go! :)

  5. Was it the bride-to-be that was squealing? Joke's on her future husband....

  6. traci@www.herdingsquirrels.comNovember 29, 2010 at 8:05 PM

    Awesome.Awesome. Awesome. Your fury is, indeed, a genius.

  7. wow this is awesome girl!!! now i miss playing darts!!

  8. I guess it always pays off to be friendly with your exes :)

  9. Dude, what the fuck? I want to punch that girl in the face just from reading that story. By the way, I think "you're hilarious" was a great line and not cheesy at all. It's the kind of thing I would say, too. :)

  10. UGH. I *hate* them. No matter their location.

    When I lived downtown Cleveland, I had to listen to them CONSTANTLY living across the street from the Chocolate Bar and a block away from Cadillac Ranch.

    Had the boyfriend not packed the water balloons, they would have got my silent revenge on my last night in Cleveland. Alas...

  11. Woo girls are the stuff of nightmares. I hate them. It sounds like some crazy shit that would go down on a Bridezilla episode.

  12. I heart you. That is all.


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