If We Were Catching Up Over Coffee...

If We Were Catching Up Over Coffee...

Monday, October 30, 2023

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If we were catching up over coffee, I'd probably still be drinking an iced coffee, even though it's finally gotten chilly. I thiiink I might be one of those people who drinks iced coffee year-round now?
 
If we were catching up over coffee, I probably wouldn't seem as outgoing or chipper as I usually do. I would only go into it if you asked, though, and even then, with caution. I recently deleted my social media apps for a bit because the Israel/Gaza war has been weighing so heavily on me. Things feel really bad right now, and I'm scared, and it's affecting literally everything.
 

 
If we were catching up over coffee, you might ask me how the adoption process is going, and I'd do my best to update you without inundating you. It's long and slow and arduous and honestly kind of heart-breaking because we just want to be able to become parents but can't rush the process. We are in with two adoption agencies and applying to a few others, and we're just trying to continue to believe that it will happen when the time is right.
  
If we were catching up over coffee, I'd try to change the topic by telling you about some of the fun things I've been up to lately. I saw both The Jonas Brothers and The Eagles recently (I am a woman of many interests!), and I "graduated" from my boxing program but am still going to classes. One of my best friends recently moved down the street, and I also just went to a two-day work retreat, where I got to see my remote colleagues in person. 
  

  
If we were catching up over coffee, I might nervously reveal to you that I have been struggling with body image and self-esteem lately, which is, I guess, nothing new, but that doesn't mean it's not still difficult to deal with. I've gained a little more weight, yet again, and I just can't seem to stick to any sort of healthy eating regimen or shake the extra weight even when I do. (Halloween candy isn't helping.)
 
If we were catching up over coffee, I'd tell you about how I convinced Mike that we should go as Harry and Marv from Home Alone for Halloween. Though he initially felt that I was doing too much in the pursuit of the perfect costumes, I feel that you can never do enough when it comes to Halloween. People really enjoyed our costumes and most importantly, we loved them, which made for a very fun holiday party with friends.
  


If we were catching up over coffee, I'd tell you that I miss blogging and that I worry that I'm never really coming back to this space. I want to, I mean to, I intend to, but then it always falls by the wayside. I wrote all day every day for my job, and I've been doing a ton of freelance writing, and I'm so grateful for all of it, but it means I don't want to keep sitting at a computer and writing when the day is done.

Speaking of writing, if we were catching up over coffee, I might have to leave early to go work on some freelance projects. I'd share how lucky I feel to be overwhelmed with the work, which is something I literally attempted to manifest (do I believe in manifesting? I dunno), but now here it is... overwhelming and overloading me on a regular basis. What a blessing! What a stressor!
 
Relatedly, did I write this blog post instead of meeting two fast-approaching deadlines? Yes. Yes, I sure did.
  
Guess that's the end of this coffee date. How are you?

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Autumn in Northeast Ohio: Pandemic-Safe Adventures in CLE & Beyond

Autumn in Northeast Ohio: Pandemic-Safe Adventures in CLE & Beyond

Monday, November 16, 2020

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We're fortunate to be able to experience all four seasons here in Northeast Ohio, but the one I consider to be the best of them – autumn – is also the most fleeting.

This year, it seems 2020 has thrown us a bit of a bone (finally), giving us what feels like slightly more autumn than usual, & I, for one, have been trying to make the most of it before cold(er) weather sets in for good. 

Here's what I've been up to as the air gets crisper & the leaves start change color (OK, fine, most of them have fallen by now...) How about you?

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Sorta-Spooky Stuff I'm Watching this Halloween

Sorta-Spooky Stuff I'm Watching this Halloween

Thursday, October 22, 2020

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Halloween used to be my favorite holiday, but we didn't do much for it last year because we had a wedding that weekend, & this year, we have exactly nothing planned because... you know, global pandemic & all. 

Our friends Stevie & Andrew typically host an epic Halloween party, but that's not happening this year, so I'm trying to get in the Halloween spirit with all the spooky movies & TV shows I can watch. I don't like horror, so my choices are all, for the most part, extremely tame.

What's your favorite Halloween-themed movie, show, book, podcast, etc.? Tell me what else I should be watching! I need morrrre!

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13 of My Favorite Things to Do in the Fall

13 of My Favorite Things to Do in the Fall

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

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Like so many basic bitches, I claim autumn as my favorite season of the year. Unfortunately, it also seems to be the shortest & rainiest season of the year, which means I've got to make the best of it while it's here. Planning our upcoming wedding has kept me from living it up the way I'd like to, but I'm still trying to get in all my fall faves. 

1. Decorate for Halloween.

I've always hung an item or two in the windows, maybe set a spooky candlebra or fake pumpkin on the kitchen table. But this year, we live in an actual house with an actual yard (uh, sort of) & windows that face a busy street. I've already hung a few decorations, & I plan to spend part of tomorrow, which I have off work, putting up some additional dollar-store decor. I hope my upstairs neighbors like Halloween...

2. Visit Szalay's Sweet Corn Farm & Market.

I haven't been this year, but I have to hit up Szalay's in Peninsula, OH. This local market is only open during the autumn months, selling locally grown corn, squash, apples, & other produce, along with local products like jam, pickled vegetables, & dessert mixes. On weekends, their outdoor cafe sells sweet corn & hot dogs to the tune of live music - with a haunted corn maze across the street!

3. Buy cozy sweaters.

When I unpacked my fall & winter wardrobe this year, I realized that it was woefully short on big, comfy sweaters. Enter the likes of Old Navy, Target, & H&M, whose low prices & classic styles are right up my fashion alley. I scored a bunch of great fall finds from all of them, including this rust-colored tunic from Target's A New Day line.

4. Carve a pumpkin.

I haven't done this in ages, but I'd like to try to revisit this favorite fall tradition now that we live in a house that has a front porch? Who doesn't love gutting a goopy pumpkin & carving a silly face into it to display for passersby?

5. Enjoy some autumn beverages.

Cinnamon apple cider. Cinnamon lattes. Pumpkin mead. Oh, yes, I said pumpkin mead. I just picked up a bottle of Western Reserve Meadery's newest brew, & damn, is it delicious - & so perfectly autumnal. I don't typically love pumpkin flavors, but this one is legit.

6. Nest. 

When the temperatures drop, I like to hunker down & make my home feel as clean & cozy as possible. Colder weather means more time indoors, & if I'm going to be shut in, I'm going to enjoy the space where I'm stuck. I just got a new comforter & a beautiful Peruvian blanket, among others, & I've got some serious fall cleaning to get to.

7. Find a perfect costume.

I used to love quirky, punny Halloween costumes, but in the last couple of years, Mike & I have taken to dressing as our favorite Harry Potter characters. This year will be no exception! We haven't started yet, but isn't half the fun of it scrambling to get it right at the very last minute?! Stay tuned for pics.

8. Celebrate Halloween.

One of my favorite events of the year is our friends Stevie & Andrew's killer Halloween bash. They go all-out with the spooky decor & holiday-themed foods, & tons of our favorite people are in attendance. I always wanted to host an annual Halloween party, but it's even better to have befriended someone else who takes the reins.

9. Pass out candy.

Can you tell that I like Halloween? Unfortunately, because I've lived in apartments for so long, I haven't gotten to enjoy a Beggars' Night in ages. I'm told that our new locale does indeed get some trick-or-treaters, so I'm already thinking about what candy to give out & what costume I'll wear when I do it.

10. Admire the scenery.

I feel so fortunate to live in Northeast Ohio, where city life & country living are equidistant. Yes, downtown is two miles away - but we're also very close to the Cleveland Metroparks & even a few state parks. Ohio is absolutely gorgeous in the fall, & leaf-peeping is one of my favorite autumn activities.

11. Enjoy Friendsgiving.

Mike's friends have long been celebrating Friendsgiving, a boozy Thanksgiving dinner party with about 35 friends. Last year, it was hosted at our friend Rick's apartment - where we now live! I don't yet know who's hosting this year's event, but wherever it is, it's sure to be one of my favorite parties of the year. Bring on all the baked mac & cheese, please.

12. Catch up on fall TV.

I blogged about this last month, but it's true: Each year, I eagerly anticipate the return of fall TV! I'm so glad to see new episodes of some of my favorite shows, including Grey's Anatomy, Criminal Minds, Law & Order: SVU, & more.

13. Get married.

OK, that's just this fall - but as of today, we're just one month away from the big day! From here on out, my new favorite autumn activity will be celebrating my wedding anniversary.

Tell me: What are your favorite fall activities?

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My Spider Roommate

My Spider Roommate

Thursday, October 15, 2015

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I've always wanted to be a person who goes all-out with outdoor holiday decor, but when your apartment is but one window in a massive complex, it's tough to share all that holiday love with the wider world.

Now, though, I live in a small building, just a couple units, & my apartment is right up front, with huge bay windows that overlook the street. I was thrilled to be able to finally bust out some cheapo Halloween decorations & tell all of Tremont that a holiday-lover lives here, so I made a trip to the local dollar store & decided upon a gangly paper skeleton surrounded by bat silhouettes. They look wonderfully spooky with the changing leaves out the window in front of them - the ultimate fall scene.

But the other day, I noticed an addition to my faux Halloween scene - an addition that was very much alive. It was, shall we say, a spider of curious size. Curiously massive size, that is.

Of all the things I fear, spiders are near the top of the list - right after, like, cancer & car crashes. I deeply, deeply loathe spiders. After I see one, I feel goosebumpy for the next half an hour, like they're crawling in my hair or stuck in my clothes. When I see one spider, I remember that the world is full of spiders, & then I basically just want to curl up in a ball under the covers - except there could be spiders there, too. No place is safe.

This spider has, like, settled in. It's spun a big ole web in the corner of the front window, & it spends much of its time just (literally) hanging around & being scary. When it's not resting peacefully/creepily in the center of its web, it's scurrying around & wiggling its stupid, scary little spider legs, reminding me that it is very fast-moving. A friend tells me this variety of spider is harmless, but it gives off distinct vibes of wanting to capture me in its web & eat me slowly, so I'm not really buying her science.

No, really. This spider is scary, you guys. I know I have a tendency to exaggerate, especially when it comes to arachnid size (my mom & go-to spider murderer is nodding along here), but I promise this is not one of those times. It's so big that you can actually see it in that photo above, hovering just a few inches over the top bat on the right-hand side. It's so big that if I saw it without a pane of glass to separate us, I would very likely pass out from fear. It's so big that in the closeup I took of it, below, you can see the tiny hairs on its many legs.

In an attempt to try to make myself less terrified of my new spider roommate, I named it. I call him Mr. Cunningham, although the same friend pointed out that it's actually probably a female spider, one who will lay an egg sack & then wander off to die. Although I like the idea of this spider being dead, I very much dislike the idea of it leaving a billion tiny spider spawn in my window well. In fact, I might've cried when my friend told me this.

The other day, Mr. Cunningham seemed to have disappeared; she was nowhere to be found. You might think I'd be happy to see her go, but in reality, I was in a panic. Where is she? She could be anywhere! Did she get into my apartment? Is she hanging out atop my car? Is she dangling from the trees over the driveway? Is she in my hair? It was like playing a very-much-not-fun game of Where's Waldo?

But the next night. Mr. Cunningham was back, legs splayed & taunting me with their utter terrifyingness. (Not a word; see what spiders do to me?!) Every morning when I wake up, I check on her. If she's still there, it means she's not inside my apartment, & that means her babies aren't, either.

The least this bitch could do is throw me some rent money, especially if she's moving her whole damn family in.

Please pray for me, or at least send along a blowtorch.

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Playing Dress-Up, Halloween-Style

Playing Dress-Up, Halloween-Style

Monday, October 28, 2013

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In 2010, I blogged about my cousin Emily's incredible "Dunkin' Donuts" Halloween costume, in keeping with our family's preference for punny Halloween costumes (see also: the time I was "fishing for compliments"). Emily's costume has since appeared in a number of Internet round-ups of clever costumes, including a piece this year from Huffington Post. Feeling the heat to live up to some of my old glory days, I decided I needed to step up my Halloween game this time around.

While my end result didn't involve a frosted donut inner tube, & it wasn't my best ever (because "fishing for compliments"), it was a pretty solid effort.

Get it? GET IT? OK, a lot of people actually didn't get it ("Are you an iPhone?!" No.), but those who did seemed to appreciate it. SOCIAL BUTTERFLY, y'all! How appropriate, I know.

Not to be outwitted, Nathan went the clever route, too. He had to do a lot of explaining ("Are you Sergeant Pepper?!" No.), but I loved watching the lightbulb go on over people's head when he told them what his costume was.

SEASONED VETERAN. Genius, I know. And yeah, he smelled like chili powder & black pepper all night, but good costumes sometimes require sacrifice, guys. I, for example, wore a nightgown in public.

 

Happy Halloween, friends. 

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A Halloween Fright Indeed!

A Halloween Fright Indeed!

Monday, October 31, 2011

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Guys, my mind is blown. Blown, I tell you. We all know I love dialects & regionalisms, but there are certain things that just are, you know? There are some things you don't mess with - things I never would've dreamed are different in other places.

Tonight I learned that all Halloween trick-or-treating is not created equal.

Where I come from, Halloween is a scheduled event that usually has very little to do with October 31st - unless October 31st happens to fall on a Saturday. Every year, the city schedules trick-or-treating time, usually the Saturday before Halloween from, say, 6:30-8:30pm. Of course, cities can schedule it whenever they want, but this is the usual time, & neighboring cities usually overlap so kids can't go trick-or-treating on a bunch of different nights!

Here in New Hampshire, it's done the same way - frankly, it never occurred to me that it could be done any other way. The City of Portsmouth originally scheduled Trick-or-Treat Night for yesterday from 5:30-7:30pm, but when a freak snowstorm blew through (perhaps you heard about it), trick-or-treating was rescheduled & was instead held today from 5-6:30pm. 

During the course of a Twitter conversation with Grace, I learned that in other parts of the country, trick-or-treating is basically a free for all. On Halloween day (I think?), costumed kids start knocking on doors & don't stop until whenever they feel like it!

A HALLOWEEN FREE-FOR-ALL! I'd never heard - or dreamed - of such a thing. This seems insane to me. How do you know when the kids are coming? How do they know when it's time to stop? How annoying! And it's on a week-day? WHAT? That's exhausting!

Upon further research, I learned that city-scheduled Trick-or-Treat Nights (sometimes called Beggars' Night) are exclusive to Ohio, Iowa, Western New York, Massachusetts and, you guessed it, New Hampshire. One blogger, a non-Ohioan living in Columbus, wrote a "defense" of free-for-all Halloween, but I don't really understand what he's saying, which is why I put "defense in quotations. Not helpful.

I have lots to say about free-for-all trick-or-treating, as demonstrated by the conversations that ensued on Twitter & Facebook. Apparently, like, 80% of my social media friends think I'm the crazy one here, as it seems the majority of the country has never heard of scheduled trick-or-treating. On Twitter, a few folks seemed appalled at the idea of timed trick-or-treating - and while I am equally appalled by the idea of un-timed trick-or-treating, I hate feeling like people think Ohio is backwards & podunk. Doesn't a set schedule for trick-or-treating just makes sense? It's safe! It's orderly! Porchlights turn off when the set time is over! Go home!

Hey, at least we're not from Des Moines. They get really wacky with their Halloween traditions.

Images: Clipart.com, MyRemoteRadio.com

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Oktoberfest for Two

Oktoberfest for Two

Monday, October 24, 2011

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Before I cracked my head open, before my mom visited, & before Nathan deployed again, we spent a lunch hour picking out pumpkins to display in front of our apartment window. I've read that there's a pumpkin shortage this year, but I think I know what the problem is: Portsmouth is hoarding them all.

A Methodist church just down the road from us has dozens upon dozens of pumpkins for sale, all on display in the church's front yard - even overnight & on Sundays, when sales are closed. Can you believe that? In my hometown, these suckers would've been stolen or smashed within 24 hours, but not here. No, in provincial Portsmouth, church pumpkins are free to exist without fear of Halloween hooligans.

It's too bad we showed up on a Monday because the deals really start rolling on Wednesday. (More on baked beans in a future post. Yes, really.)

Naturally, I insisted upon taking a cheesy photo at a painted pumpkin clearly intended for small children. Please note how bizarrely midgety I look. I promise I have legs & a torso.

Nathan chose his pumpkin on stem size alone. No, that's not a creepy euphemism for anything.

After we paid, we asked the octogenarian church volunteer behind the counter to take a photo of us with our prized pumpkins. She had no idea how to use an iPhone, & it was sort of tough to teach her while I was holding a 10-lb. holiday squash, so this is what we ended up with. Not too shabby, lady, not too shabby at all.

Of course, I have to work on Saturday, which means no Halloween for me - and yes, I was even invited to something! The lovely Alana of The Good Girl Gone Blog invited me to her spooky soiree in Somerville (say that five times fast), but I'm sans costume & sans availability, so I'll have to resort to spending my favorite holiday eating fun-sized Butterfingers throughout the work day & telling anyone who asks about my head wound that this is my lazy costuming attempt at going as Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Sally photo

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My Halloween Costume Just Sort of FELL Into Place

My Halloween Costume Just Sort of FELL Into Place

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

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[WARNING: There is a gory photo in this post. And lots of other photos, too.]

People are forever telling me what good eyebrows I have. Personally, I think they're a bit pointy (they grow that way, they aren't tweezed that way), but, you know, I like compliments, & I'd say they're my most complimented feature. Here they are in all their glory in my admittedly cheesy work headshot:

Or at least that's what they used to look like. This week, disaster struck when, while getting out of the shower, I fell in such a way that I slammed my head into the porcelain toilet paper holder. Yes, I know, who does that? I do. I did. And I immediately sunk back into the tub, naked & bloody, to scream & hyperventilate. My first thought when my head made contact with the holder was, "STITCHES!" & it quickly became clear that I was going to need them.

Nathan, staying totally cool & calm, found me a towel with which to apply pressure & mop up the blood, then gathered (yesterday's) clothes for me to wear to the ER. All the while, I moaned repetitions of, "Oh, God. OHHHHHH!" in a very helpful manner. I even contemplated drying my hair before we left, but I settled on wearing a necklace instead, because by golly, if I'm going to head into the ER looking like a zombie, I'd like to feel like a lady while I do it.

The carnage (warning: it's carnage-y) looked like this:

That, ladies & gentleman, is a make-up free me with a formerly beautiful left eyebrow that is cut in half - like, it's in two totally different places on my face. Though you can't tell from the photo, I actually hit my head so hard that I split it down to the skull bone. When John Smith (yes, really), the physician's assistant who worked on me, pulled apart the wound to check, I think my squeamish boyfriend almost passed out at the sight. Upon my request, John was also quite enthusiastic about letting Nate take photos during the stitching process, which the blogger in me greatly appreciated.

Obviously, my biggest fear was that my face would be permanently disfigured, a la Scar from The Lion King, when my wound finally healed. Though he offered me the opportunity to go with a plastic surgeon instead, John assured me that he was an expert in not effing up facial stitching, I entrusted him with the future of my face. He was knowledgeable & kind, walking me through every step of the process - including the injection of a lot of novocaine. When all was said & done & he was finished completing my facial masterpiece, my face-saving hero was kind enough to pose for a photo with me for the blog. THANK YOU, JOHN SMITH!

He didn't love my response when I first saw his handiwork, which was, "Oh my God, I look disgusting!" but let's be real: I look way less disgusting with stitches than I did with an open head wound:

And that initially droopy eye disappeared pretty quickly, except for when I woke up this morning with a gnarly shiner. Haven't had one of these since I was a kid at summer camp who got smacked in the face with a canoe oar!

For those who want it spelled out for them, here's a timeline of my face. I'm not smiling in most of them because it hurt to move my facial muscles:

 

Overall, I'm feeling really fortunate that I didn't hurt myself any worse than I did. I'm in a ton of pain, but I'm thankful for the Vicodin John Smith prescribed me & for the fact that I work from home, which means I can space out a little bit midday when the aforementioned Vicodin begins to do its job. I'm hopeful that when the stitches come out on Monday, I won't, in fact, look like a female version of Frankenstein's monster.

Until then, I'm a walking Halloween costume. What to be, what to be? So many scarred options!

 

Photos: Bond villain, Azazel, Harry Potter, Scar, Scarface, Frankenstein, Zombie

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It Runs in the Family!

It Runs in the Family!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

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By any & all standards, my cousin's Halloween costume was really, really sweet.

I can't decide whether this makes me feel better or worse about being a witch this year. Better because I'm obviously genetically predisposed to awesome costuming; worse because I didn't take advantage of it. But I'm glad someone in the family did!

For the record, while in witch costume, I was all set to be like, "I'm you!" if anyone asked what I was (& in case the witch hat didn't give it away). But I guess that's a joke that would only have flown inside the Beltway. Or "SNL" fans (which I am not). And, uhhh, when did I start making wonk jokes?!

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Life Lessons from a Halloween in New Hampshire

Life Lessons from a Halloween in New Hampshire

Monday, November 1, 2010

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• Most men dress as exaggerated versions of themselves for the holiday. Examples include street fighters, wrestlers, beer kegs, cartoon characters, & lumberjacks (see photo).
  
  
  
• Every year, I'm fond of declaring, "People who don't dress up for Halloween are the worst kind of people!" Mostly in jest, but also not. Of course, no one can have The Best Costume Of All Time all the time, but on the whole, I tend to think people who refuse to dress up for Halloween are either terribly uncreative or take themselves too seriously - two qualities I don't necessarily find admirable.
  
  
• BUT. Though I've spent my entire life looking down on people who don't dress up for Halloween, it turns out that being the only one decked out in disguise when everyone you're out on the town with is dressed in their regular clothes is a liiiiittle bit embarrassing. My, how the tables have turned.
  
  
• SO. If you're going to go out with people who refuse to dress up for Halloween, wearing a witch costume is likely the best way to go. It's cute but not so creative that you'll feel you've wasted The Best Costume Of All Time (which is impossible because you already used that costume up in 2008 when you dressed as "fishing for compliments").
  
  
  
• Witch hats impede dancing & the wearing of across-the-chest purse straps. False eyelashes impede vision.
  
  
• I wish people needed bat necklaces year-round. I could make a living out of creating these! But I bet business would be slow in, say, February.
  

How was your Halloween?

PS: If you're unsure about my love for this holiday or want to know more, please check out this post & this one. With bonus photos of me dressed as a crazy person!

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Our Graveyard Smash!

Our Graveyard Smash!

Monday, November 2, 2009

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Thanks to all of you for bearing with my pre-Halloween bitchery. The result? Last Saturday marked the most minimal-effort Halloween costume I've ever donned. We tried to be witty, sort of. Really, we did - just a little last-minute. Can you guess what we are?


We're "ships passing in the night," obviously, our favorite cliche! Wait... What do you mean, you couldn't tell?! Come on, that's good. And no, of course I didn't find little gold stars stuck to every surface of my apartment for the rest of the night. And no, three didn't fall out of my hair in the shower this morning. And no, I didn't rip the seat of my favorite black pants while getting low to Flo-Rida.

The good news (?) is that I never left my apartment. When our party plans were canceled, my roommates & I opted to throw our own impromptu All Hallows Eve soiree. We bought a bunch of orange food in honor of Halloween (mac & cheese, Doritos, Cheetos, Reese's), burned a quick holiday mix (though "Jeepers Creepers" is actually an oddly cheerful ditty), & grabbed a couple of cases of cold ones.

Sadly, our collective costumes were not all that creative or mind-blowing. My roommate Jason, for example, pinned socks to his shirt forming "RE." He was either "Sacre bleu!" or Socrates, depending on how you looked at it. Get it? GET IT? Yeah, neither did anyone, but he was proud. And joyful, as evidenced below - good enough for me!


My out-of-towner friend Micaela & her college buds were singing holiday cards. The truth is that I've never seen a Fourth of July card, much less a singing one, but it was still a clever costuming choice. When opened, Micaela sang "America the Beautiful" (usually) & Kristin mostly sang "Jingle Bells" (first line only, sometimes interspersed with N*Sync's Christmas album). Caitlin miraculously got away with never being opened, so she got out of singing.


Other friends came as world peace, "Party in the USA," a Stepford wife, Dexter (khakis & a waffle shirt are not a costume!), scarlet fever & the four elements. Much dancing occurred. And while the event was intended to be a pre-gaming shindig before everyone went their separate partying ways... well, no one did. About 15 of us pseudo-partied at our place until quarter past midnight, & then... I went to bed.

In short? We were low on creativity but, ultimately, high on fun. And, in the end, I concede that that's what does, in fact, matter most.

PS: If you want to see something crazy-impressive, check out my good friend Jill as the zombie cheerleader with the Thrilla Guerillas taking the French Quarter by storm. How's THAT for Halloween spirit? Thanks for letting me live vicariously, Jill!

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A True Halloween Horror: My Shameful Tale

A True Halloween Horror: My Shameful Tale

Friday, October 30, 2009

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I love Halloween. A lot. I went to two, count 'em two, universities known for their incredible Halloween celebrations. Court Street, the main drag at OU, packs so full of people over Halloween weekends that it's literally almost impossible to walk down the street. People shotgun beers & flash their goodies in the middle of the road. (Hey, I'm not sayin' it's classy, I'm just sayin' it's crazy.) I spent three fantastic Halloweens there, excluding the half hour I spent crying & lost outside an abandoned Burger King standing next to an Amish couple. And also excluding the huge verbal blowout I engaged in with a few sorority "sisters." Anyway, bygones. Back to Halloween.

I LOVE HALLOWEEN. I love coming up with costumes that make people laugh, costumes you won't see on every other person, costumes that are not "a slutty _____." I love pretending to be something else, pretending to be something crazy. At home, I've been known to force friends into pumpkin-carving & passing out candy to neighborhood kids. I am the biggest haunted house aficionado you'll ever met, & also one of the biggest wusses. Everything about Halloween exhilarates me.

DC does not love Halloween. My friends here are, to put it mildly, just not that into All Hallows Eve. They'll dress up, sure - sort of. They'll tack on a cape or a wig at the last minute, but nothing that requires much creativity. And there are no haunted houses in the city, just out in the 'burbs, which I cannot get to because I lack a vehicle. And I don't have a front porch for pumpkins while I reside in an apartment complex. Needless to say, Halloween in the District has been incredibly disheartening for two years in a row, & shaping up for a third.

But this year, it's myself I'm disappointed in. I was too busy having the dreaded swine to come up with a good costume, & now I'm 24 hours before the big day with not an idea to be found. Everything is lame. I am lame.

Let's recap my past brilliance:

• In 2003, I was Quailman. I saw two others, but I was the only Quail(wo)man. And my head belt was real, not cardboard.

• In 2004, we were crayons - pink & purple. My entire sorority house dressed as "Moulin Rouge" charlatans, & there we were in the house photo, dressed like giant 12-year-olds.

• In 2005, we were pirates. Not that creative on the surface, I know, but we did it damn well - & before "Pirates of the Caribbean" was a thing. Also, my hair was crimped so... score. Oh yeah, & my friend Annie took a pair of scissors to my crotch so that I could use the restroom while wearing a bodysuit.
  

• In 2006, I was the Keebler Elf. I was bald, so my costume revolved around my desire to wear a wig - & wig-wear, I did. I also passed out cookies from a cauldron. And later passed out on a friend's couch.
  

• In 2007, my first year in DC, I was so bummed about all the Halloween-hating that I didn't try very hard. I sewed some sponges to my clothes & told people I was "self-absorbed," complete with sponge hair accessory. I met a kid dressed up at "road head," & together we affirmed that we were, indeed, wittier than everyone else.
  

• In 2008, I went the witty route again. With a pair of galoshes & some laminated, laudatory fish pinned on a blue dress, I was "fishing for compliments." Beat THAT, wordsmiths.
  

This year, I've got nothing. I am costumeless. I am pumpkinless. I haven't eaten a single candy corn. I've not visited a single haunted house or bobbed for a single apple (OK, I never did that). The Midwest would be so disappointed in me.

In short... I have failed myself.

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