2021 in Review: A Better Year, Kinda? Maybe?

Friday, December 31, 2021

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Annnnd here we are again, another year down. Time flies when you're in a pandemic, & if I'm being honest, I'm feeling older than ever.

As I started to assemble this post, I checked my phone thinking that I'd scribbled down some notes throughout the year on its... but alas, it turned out that those notes were from last year. And that, in itself, actually kind of sums up 2021: Like, what is time, anyway? 

Anyway. I doubt many people read posts like this, but I love being able to look back on my past year-in-review round-ups, so they're worth it. They take a lot of time, though, so if you wanna read 'em... you know, that'd be cool, too.
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The Best Books I Read in 2021

Thursday, December 30, 2021

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All right, let's do it! 

I confess I took the easy way out of writing these descriptions of my favorite books of the year, in that I didn't actually write them — not for this post, anyway. Yeah, I just copied & pasted my original write-ups of each of them, sorry. But hey, I did take the time to round them up in the first place, which I didn't totally expect to get around to.

These are listed alphabetically, nothing more to be read into the order of them. But long story short, they're all great, & you should read them. You should also consider telling me your favorite reads of the year in the comments on this post. A girl's gotta build her TBR list!

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What I Read in November & December

Monday, December 27, 2021

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And that's a wrap on 2021 reading! I hit my annual goal of 55 books within the first week of November, which means I got in a few extras as the last two months of the year played out. That means I'm now rounding up for you a whopping 16 final books of 2021.

I'm still hoping to do a "favorite books of the year" post, but I haven't gotten there yet. Suffice it to say that a few of these would (will?) make the list. I might even squeak in a final book or two before the start of 2022, but if so, I'll include those on January's roundup. I'm going to try to go back to monthly write-ups, as these are getting unwieldy again.

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My Winter Bucket List

Sunday, December 5, 2021

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It's already snowed in Cleveland twice, but since the calendar declares that winter doesn't technically start until December 21st, I'm assembling my winter bucket list like I haven't already completed some of the things on it. (Spoiler: I have. This list is a bit of a meet-in-the-middle situation.)

I borrowed this idea from Tobia, who put together a fun winter bucket list of her own. Go check hers out... & let me know what's on yours! 

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A Family Affair — Again, Finally

Monday, November 29, 2021

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It's been two years since my family has been together in the same place.

I know that's not unique these days. So many of us haven't seen our loved ones in so long, except from across the miles, through a laptop screen or on FaceTime. I barely remembered what it was like to be in person with them, indoors, together — to wake up to the sound of my aunt's laugh or my uncle's timbre, the way my mom talks to herself when she's cooking, the way we can never all agree on a movie to watch or a game to play.

But this Thanksgiving, we're all vaccinated, so we gathered again in Hilton Head, South Carolina, where my aunt & uncle own a beach rental property.

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At War with My Body

Thursday, November 4, 2021

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TW: chronic illness, infertility, weight

For a long time — since right after my spinal fusion surgery in seventh grade — I did not think of myself as a person with chronic pain. I thought everyone walked around in physical pain most of the time. It was only when I moved to Washington, D.C., after college that I learned that most people didn’t have the pain levels I had, that most people’s bodies didn’t hurt like mine did.

I hadn’t known. I thought it was normal. I knew mine was, perhaps, worse than others, but it never occurred to me that other people had no general pain.

I guess that’s because mine has simply always been there, & I’ve always just dealt with it — like the time my back hurt so badly for two weeks that I had to wear only sports bras & carry a wheeled suitcase to work… at age 23. But I’ve learned how to manage; I’ve always managed. You have to, don’t you? You only get one body, & so you do with it what can. You adapt. You figure out how to function best with what you’re given.

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What I Read in September & October

Monday, November 1, 2021

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Whew, I've been on a reading tear! I read 12 books in September & October, which is a lot for me. Most of them were YA thrillers, plus a few nonfiction books on the topics of linguistics (bear with me), rare, & QAnon — sounds about right! 

What have you been reading? And do you have any other YA thriller recommendations for me? I've got two more books to read in Holly Jackson's Good Girl's Guide to Murder series, but after that, well, I'm gonna need more in this vein. Hellllp. 

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Traveling for the First Time Since the Start of the Pandemic

Sunday, October 24, 2021

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I went to Atlanta! It marked my first time traveling by airplane since January of 2020, when I went to Florida with my BFF Rebecca. God, that seems so long ago. I was pregnant then, & there was no hint of a pandemic then. My, how life has changed.

I decided to go to Atlanta because another BFF, Sammi, lives there. She was going through a bit of a hard time, & I impulsively booked an inexpensive Southwest flight to visit her in a few weeks. 

When the time came to travel, I started to panic. It had been so long, & the world still isn't safe. I didn't want to be around that many people or wear a mask for that long or risk touching or generally interacting with other humans. I was worried, too, about all of the airplane shenanigans we've seen documented on social media throughout the past year, evidence that so many people seem to have forgotten their human decency since this pandemic began. 

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My Judaism is Complicated These Days

Sunday, October 10, 2021

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The High Holidays have come & gone, & I feel weird.

This marked the first time in 14 years that I haven't worked for a Jewish organization during this season — not since college.

When you work for a Jewish organization, you have off for every Jewish holiday (& there are a lot of Jewish holidays). You always know exactly when the holidays are coming. You prepare for the holidays through the work you do & the conversations you have. Your out-of-office message during the holidays references the holidays: "Our offices are closed in observance of Rosh HaShanah. L'shanah tovah!"

When you do not work for a Jewish organization, I am finding, the holidays sneak up on you. 

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Voices I Love: Content Creators with Disabilities

Tuesday, October 5, 2021

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Cartoonish graphic of a man in a wheelchair holding the hand of an able bodied woman with two corgis in the grass in front of them
Image by Pixabay user elf-moondance

Something you might not know about me is that I'm passionate about disability rights & inclusion. I attribute so much of my interest in these topics to Rabbi Lynne Landsberg, z"l, my late mentor, who died in 2018. 

In 1999, Lynne sustained a Traumatic Brain Injury when her Jeep skidded on black ice. And though medical issues plagued her for the rest of her life, she went on to become a noted disability rights activist, turning the worst moment of her life into one of its biggest opportunities. And in 2007, I started working with her at the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism. As a legislative assistant, my portfolio of legislative issues focused on civil rights — including disability rights.

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Why Don't We Tell Each Other the Bad Things?

Monday, September 6, 2021

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Sometimes I wish it were acceptable to just, like, ask everyone for their absolute worst life updates. We all feel so inclined to give the good updates — I'm enjoying my new job, we'll start looking for houses again soon — & it just doesn't feel appropriate to give the bad ones. 

Don't you kind of feel like it would be helpful, though? To know? 

Sometimes, when you're the one going through the muck, it can be all too easy to feel like you're alone in struggle. Sure, we know, in theory, that everyone is going through something; "Be kind," Mother Theresa taught, "for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." 

But when everyone is doing such a damn good job of hiding their battles, it can feel like you're the only person in the world who's floundering. 

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Help, I Can't Stop Watching Disaster Movies

Thursday, September 2, 2021

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What is it about a global pandemic that makes me want to watch movies about global pandemics? I mean, fine, only two of the movies on the list you're about to read are actually about pandemics, but still, the idea stands. Amid humanity's worst, why do I also feel compelled to watch fiction about humanity's worst? 

I don't know the answer, but... well, I'm doing it. Here are some of the movies I've watched recently & how I'd rate them on a very formal scale of one to 10. 

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What I Read in July & August

Sunday, August 29, 2021

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I've done a pretty solid amount of reading in the last two months, even though it doesn't really feel like I have. I mean, I've also binged Chicago PD & FBoy Island, & I got way too sucked into playing this stupid cell phone game (I never play cell phone games!), so honestly, I'm surprised I made the time at all.

But I did. I finished 11 books in July & August, & while most of them weren't knockouts, all of them were decent reads. I'm on the lookout for a really good thrilled, so if you have any ideas, hit me up, will ya?
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Adventuring in Ohio: My Weekend Visiting Mount Vernon

Tuesday, August 24, 2021

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This post is a paid partnership with Ohio. Find It Here. & the Mount Vernon Arts Consortium. As always, all views are my own.

One of the things I’ve missed most during these pandemic times is travel. In 2019, I traveled out of state at least once during every single month of the year!

As travel returns & places start to open up, I’m still not quite comfortable making bigger, out-of-state treks. So when I was invited to visit Mount Vernon, OH, for a weekend getaway, I was thrilled to experience someplace new & fun & so close to home.

Remember my mom, Joyce? Sure you do. We got on the road on a Friday after work, & made the two-hour drive from Cleveland to Mount Vernon in time for dinner. Here are some of the highlights of the weekend, all things I’d recommend if you make a visit.

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My Life with Unmedicated Idiopathic Hypersomnia

Thursday, August 12, 2021

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In late 2018 & early 2019, I wrote a lot here about my experience seeking a diagnosis for my sleep issues – namely that I was sleeping all the time. I started seeing a neurologist, underwent a 24-hour sleep test, & was ultimately diagnosed with three sleep disorders & prescribed medication to help. I took that medication diligently & enthusiastically for a year. 

For various reasons, though, I've now been unmedicated for more than a year, & it's going... OK, I guess. Sometimes better than others. But some people have asked what happened with my sleep disorders after I stopped writing about them, & there's been some progress in terms of possible treatment for my primary disorder, so I figured it was time for an update.

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What I'm Struggling with "Post-Pandemic"

Tuesday, July 20, 2021

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First things first: I don't like using the phrase "post-pandemic" because we are still very much in the midst of a pandemic, even when it doesn't feel like it. Worldwide, 3.9 million people have died of COVID-19, & the delta variant & others are real & threatening. 

For the purposes of this post, though, saying "post-pandemic" really means "post-quarantine." Now that restrictions have lifted & life largely feels safer (for me as a fortunate, vaccinated, science-beliving American human), I'm struggling a little bit. That feels unfair, doesn't it? We've all struggled enough during quarantine; now we have to struggle coming out of it, too? 

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How I Take Breaks During the Remote Workday

Tuesday, July 13, 2021

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Before a work call the other day, my boss asked us each to come prepared to share what we do during the day to keep us happy & motivated throughout the workday. 

She talked about her love of fancy non-alcoholic drinks (like the iced cardamom rosewater coffee with honey she'd just made), while other folks talked about what they're inclined to do during their breaks, like gardening & walking the dog. I don't have a dog or a garden, but after decade of that work-from-home life, I do have a lot of little tricks for break-taking & motivation-stirring. 

Here's are 10 ways that I work small breaks into the day & how the activities I choose help my brain recharge for the work to come. 

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What I'm Looking Forward to for the Rest of the Summer

Friday, July 9, 2021

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One of my favorite things about summer (not the heat) is looking forward to all the adventures on my calendar. That wasn't a part of summer 2020, for me, as we didn't go anywhere, for the most part. We ate on a patio once or twice, but even that felt fraught. It was a summer of fear & indoorsiness.

But #vaxxedgirlsummer is here! I'm not yet fully vaccinated, but I'm one shot down & still hopefully riding some antibodies, so I feel relatively safe. I'm still not ready to hop on a plane or head to a crowded concert, but I finally feel ready to hit up some events & spend time with friends & family.

Here are some of the things I've looking forward to for the rest of the summer. How about you?

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What I Read in May & June

Friday, July 2, 2021

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Two months down, seven more books under my belt! 

OK, actually, it's nine more books under my belt, but I've been relistening to the Harry Potter audiobooks, & I'm not reviewing those here. We all know how I feel about Harry Potter by now, right?

My last two months have included some pretty good books covering a diversity of topics & voices. The lowest score I gave any of them was three stars, & even then, it was still a really enjoyable read. Here's what I finished & how I felt about them.
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I am a Proud Cleveland Public Radio Nerd! (Plus, a Giveaway from a Local Artist)

Wednesday, June 23, 2021

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I was never an NPR person… until suddenly I was. As a kid, something about the voices of public radio hosts seemed to lull me to sleep, reminiscent, no matter the show, of long car rides with my parents. And although I don’t know when the change happened, exactly, at some point in my 30s, out of the blue, I became an NPR listener.

I get NPR news alerts on my phone. I listen to whatever NPR show is on when I get into my car. And I listen to Up First every morning, the NPR Politics Podcast every weekend, and Pop Culture Happy Hour whenever I want to lighten things up.

Here in Northeast Ohio, I have ideastream – the home of Northeast Ohio’s member-supported public broadcasting stations – to thank for that. And now, on the 20th anniversary of its founding, ideastream has become Ideastream Public Media.

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Here's Where I'll Take You If you Visit Cleveland

Friday, June 18, 2021

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In May, for the first time in more than a year, I had not one but two visitors: First came my NYC BFF, Rebecca, & then Brittany came up from Columbus for a weekend. In June, Sammi came to visit from Atlanta, & Christina came home from Tennessee. Thanks, vaccine companies!

It's been incredible to see my friends after so many months apart. And without even meaning to, I realized that I took them to a lot of the same places – places I love & hoped they would, too. As people start to travel & explore again, I thought I'd share my old standbys with you in case you're looking for places to check out or to take visitors, too.

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Things I Love Right Now (V. XIII)

Monday, June 14, 2021

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I tend to think I do these "things I love right now" posts all the time, but every time I go to write one, it turns out it's been, like, an entire year. And I open with a variation on that same sentence every single time. I'm nothing if not consistent in my inconsistency! 

Anyway, this last year has been too weird for me to tell you all the things I've loved lately, but here's what's rising to the top at this moment in time. Howwww 'bout you?
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I'm Suddenly Pretty into Meal Kits

Sunday, May 23, 2021

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At the beginning of the year, I set a goal of trying 30 new recipes this year (see recipes 1-5 and 5-10). I've sort of put that goal on hold for now, though, because Mike & I started using a meal subscription kit – two of them, in fact. So, yes, I'm making new things, but it feels a liiiiittle bit like cheating because I don't have to, like, plan at all? Or really do anything? 

Anyway. We've been using both HelloFresh & Green Chef, as I got a free week of each from friends' referral codes, & now we're just kind of alternating between them. I've been sharing some of them on Instagram & thought I'd round them up here just for the sake of general interest and/or so I can remember what I've made in the past.

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A Day in the Life: An Average Awake-to-Asleep Look at Being Me

Monday, May 17, 2021

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Full disclosure: This seems like the most egotistical blog post to write, but I never feel that way when I read them from other people. I always love a little behind-the-scenes peek at other peoples' lives, so I figured I'd try my own. Have I ever done one of these? Who can even recall? 
Anyway, let's do it. This was a random Wednesday toward the end of April, after I'd started my new job but before I'd gotten into the swing of things. Here we go!
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What I Read in April

Saturday, May 1, 2021

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This month was a lotta murder... & then I slow down & branched out a little to other topics: mommy playgroups, celebrity alcoholism, teen angst, & the Cleveland mafia. Listen, I'm a woman with many interests.

With this month's seven books, I've read 21 out of my goal of 55 books for the year, which puts me a little bit ahead of schedule. (Yes, I intentionally undershot my goal in the hopes of being able to meet it, & no, I am not ashamed of that.)

I currently have a billion books on my TBR list & literally a dozen of them downloaded from the Libby app & about six recently purchased audiobooks... & at this rate, I will never read any of them. But at least the ones I'm reading are good, right? Onward!

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5 Things I Learned from My First Distance Riding Challenge

Wednesday, April 28, 2021

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I first learned of PeloFondo from Lara, a social media friend & host of the podcast Will You Accept This Podcast? PeloFondo describes itself as "a community event for Peloton Riders, focused on long distance mileage." You sign up, you commit to a certain amount of mileage, & you have a whole weekend to achieve it. 

I participated in my first PeloFondo April 17-18, just a month after recovering from COVID. I hadn't been riding much because my body was still just too fatigued, & I didn't want to push myself. About a week before PeloFondo, though, I started feeling better, started feeling well enough to ride again, & I did a few classes before jumping all the way in with my commitment of 35 miles.

Here's what I learned.

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Why I Can't Yet Get Vaccinated

Monday, April 26, 2021

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Nobody uses the term "FOMO" anymore, but right now, it's the only phrase that seems to fit my situation, Because ugh, I have such bad FOMO.

Now that every adult in the U.S. is eligible for the COVID vaccine, we who believe in the power of science should all be celebrating, right? And I am! Just... not for myself. Not yet.

In mid-March, the day after I turned the corner in terms of a few days of brutal COVID symptoms (including tachycardia, sweating, body aches, & more), I went to a nearby Cleveland Clinic* location to receive a monoclonal antibody infusion, a COVID treatment recommended for elderly & obese individuals who have asthma. My BMI just barely qualified me, but I was thrilled to be able to be shot up with antibody therapies that made me feel better within hours and made it safe for me to return to the world once I tested negative.

Here's the catch: After you've received a monoclonal antibody infusion, you can't get the COVID vaccine for 90 days.  

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How I'm Trying to Find My Chill Amid the Stress of Starting a New Job

Friday, April 23, 2021

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I told you last week that I was gearing up to start a new job after 13.5 years at the old one. The truth is that I did start a new job in between, way back in 2010, but it wasn't the right fit... so I ended up going back to the job I'd had before it! I'm not planning to do that this time, but the fact remains that starting a new job – even the right one – is incredibly exhausting.

Simply put, it takes a lot of brain power to do new things, even things that are technically simple. Switching from Zoom to Slack & from Basecamp to Trello & even from one laptop to another can be surprisingly taxing, creating new mental pathways that identify my "new normal." And that's on top of learning the ins & outs of the job itself & interacting with a whole slew of brand new people. 

In short, it's stressful to be the person who doesn't know anything. So I'm trying my best to stay calm & cool & collected (lol, yes, so in keeping with my personality) by feeling in control of other areas of my life. Here's how.
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On Moving Forward, Making Friends, and Finding Myself

Wednesday, April 14, 2021

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I've been thinking a lot about the last post I ever wrote on my old Xanga site. Remember Xanga? Man, I loved that place. I wrote there all throughout college.

My last post was on July 4, 2007, just over a month before my graduation from Kent State University. The day after commencement, my mom, aunt, & I loaded up two cars with all my belongings & drove me to Washington, D.C., where just two days later, I started my first post-college job as a legislative assistant at a Jewish nonprofit. I expected to work there for a year & move home, but instead... well, I never left.

Until now. 

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Oh, the Places You Won't Go: 12 Places I've Eaten Amid the Pandemic

Monday, April 12, 2021

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Things are starting to feel a little bit more normal here, especially after Mike & I both recovered from COVID. With antibodies coursing through our veins like superpowers, we've been feeling more & more comfortable heading out into the world even going so far as to eat inside restaurants a couple of times. 

Before we contracted COVID, though, we did our best to keep supporting restaurants new & old, from places we'd long loved to new spots we hoped would succeed. Here are 12 of the best places we've eaten from lately – mostly takeout & delivery – throughout the last few months of this pandemic.

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What I Read in February & March

Friday, April 2, 2021

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I kept thinking I hadn't been reading enough to do a roundup, but... oops, I did it again. Yes, I'm still operating on a much slower pace than in years past, but I've definitely recovered quite a bit from my peak-COVID reading pause. 

This round of reads includes a little bit if everything: nonfiction history & science, a memoir about disability, a fictional royal love story, a short-story thriller, & a YA fantasy series. And everything was pretty darn good! Here goes:

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25 Things about Me as a Reader

Saturday, March 27, 2021

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The last year has changed so much about our lives, including, for me, how much reading I do; it's like I just can't focus on a book anymore. Still, I'm finally back in the swing of things, if not at the same volume as before, & I'm really relieved to be able to rediscover my love of reading along the way.

Awhile back, Stephany of Stephany Writes wrote a post titled "25 Things About Me as a Reader," & I am straight-up stealing that idea today. I don't know if this will be interesting to anyone but me, but it seemed like a fun list for me to think of.

Here's a bit about me, my books, & my lifelong love of reading. 

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Outdoor Fun, Even During a Pandemic... in the Winter

Wednesday, March 24, 2021

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Yep, that's me under there, bundled up beneath layers & layers so that as little of my skin as possible is exposed to the very, very cold elements. It's in the 70s as I write this, so this much snow & cold feels fairly distant, thankfully, but even in frigid temps, my friends & I were doing our best to, well, make the best of things, pandemic be damned. 

Here are just a few of the outdoorsy events we enjoyed at near- or below-freezing temps before things started to warm up. 
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What It's Felt Like to Have COVID-19

Wednesday, March 17, 2021

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I’m eight days out from my COVID diagnosis, & I’ve come a long way. Those first few days were absolutely miserable — “mild,” technically, but miserable nonetheless. 

I first went to the ER with a rapid heartbeat that, at one point, surpassed 140 BPM. I didn't have any other symptoms of illness yet, but I was jittery & panicked, too afraid to move much for fear of overwhelming my heart. That, it turned out, was likely the result of thyroiditis, which the endocrinologist says sometimes happen in cases of illness — your thyroid freaks out & dumps all of its thyroid hormone, which can cause an array of issues.

My other symptoms, which kicked in slightly later, were debilitating. 

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I Have COVID

Saturday, March 13, 2021

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I was sitting at my desk on Sunday night doing exactly nothing when I got an alert from my Apple Watch: My heart rate was inordinately high. Weird, but I felt fine, so I didn't pay too much attention to it. The next morning, though, I woke up to a whopping nineteen alerts that my heart rate had gotten too high while I slept

On Monday, my doctor told me to go to urgent care, but no local urgent care has an EKG machine. I tried to put off care for awhile because I was equal parts anxious & lazy, but on Tuesday, I headed to the ER at Fairview Hospital. 
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How Do You Measure a Year in the Life?

Wednesday, March 3, 2021

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It's hard to believe it's been a year since the pandemic began. 

Do you remember the last thing you did before your quarantine began? I do. I went to Saucy Brew Works to play Bachelor trivia with a Twitter friend I'd never met in real life before. We lost badly, & afterward, I grabbed a drink at Jukebox, across the street. The next day, I got coffee at Civilization, talking with one of my favorite baristas about the weird "coronavirus" that seemed to be headed our way. Would it really impact us?

And then I basically never went anywhere ever again.

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The 30-Recipe Project: Recipes 5-10

Friday, February 26, 2021

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As a still-relatively-new cook & baker, I'm on a mission to make 30 new-to-me recipes in 2021. I shared my first five recipes of the year, plus a few holdovers, in mid-January, & now I'm back with five more. I've slowed down my cooking & baking in February, but I expect it to pick back up when my seasonal affective disorder lifts a little bit. 

Here we go, recipes five through 10. I have a feeling I'll hit 30 pretty easily... & then keep going!

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What I Read in January

Monday, February 1, 2021

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Annnnd we're off! In my goal to read 55 books in 2021, I'm going to try to get back in the habit of writing monthly "what I read" posts. I finished five books in January, which puts me a little bit behind schedule, but I'm pretty happy with everything I read. 

Untamed by Glennon Doyle

I both loved & hated this book, but mostly loved? I think? Doyle is a truly incredible, beautiful, fantastic writer, her words like a poison & a balm all in one. I loved this memoir, a series of short essays about life, generally, & lessons learned from the smallest & largest pieces of it. The "hated" part, though is just because... it's a lot sometimes. She's a lot sometimes – & that's OK. It's just occasionally a lot, is all. Sometimes I was like "OK, lol, this is not at all relevant to my own small life." ★★★★☆

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Apartment Tour: Welcome to My Home Office!

Tuesday, January 26, 2021

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This January marked a decade of my working from home! In a world where many, many people now work remotely, it's started to seem like the norm - but for the majority of my time as a work-from-home staffer, it was considered somewhat unusual & potentially only for lazy people. I once even wrote a piece for Thought Catalog (remember what that was super popular?" titled "11 Things That People Who Work From Home Hate Hearing."

Recently, I shared a photo of my office on my Instagram Stories, & my coworker @PaigePlates expressed delight at it, noting that she only ever sees the one little square right behind my head on Zoom calls. I thought I'd share it here so people can see my work-from-home space, where I spend the majority of my time in my home. 
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The Best TV Shows I've Watched During the Pandemic

Saturday, January 23, 2021

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So.... whatcha watchin'? The pandemic, now nearly a year old, has sent me into a tailspin of TV-watching, as, without any out-in-the-world plans to make, I've turned to bingeing whatever seems like it might be good enough to keep me from focusing on the state of the world.

Below is just a bit of the TV I've made my way through in the past year, from a comedy about an Indian-American teenager to the most classic mafia show in American history... & basically everything in between.

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365 Days of Not Being a Mom

Thursday, January 21, 2021

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It's hard to believe that today marks one year since I learned of my miscarriage, since setting into motion the double D&Cs it took to get my body back to normal. But it's not back to normal, is it? I'm not back to normal.
 
In the midst of my miscarriage, I thought, "I will remember every moment of this, & I will write it all down later. I will tell my version of this story for women who can't figure out how to tell their own." It felt too painful in the moment, though, too much emotional energy I didn't have – & I found that when I "recovered," I didn't have it in me anymore to tell that story, to go back, to delve that deep.
 
I remember most vividly those days before the miscarriage, when I knew that nothing was living or growing inside me anymore but hadn't yet undergone the procedure to finalize it. I remember walking through Target & WalMart like a zombie, equal parts trying to ignore the baby sections & drawn to them, like I couldn't help but immerse myself in the midst of the most painful possible place to be. Surrounded by strollers & diaper rash cream & pacifiers & onesies, hands on my lower stomach, I breathed deeply & quietly & told myself, "I am not a mom anymore."
 
There's something weird that happens, mentally, when you learn that you're pregnant, a mental shift from "This body is mine" to "This body is yours" – a moment in which you realize that while you're still yourself, you're also something else, something new, a protective vessel for a burgeoning life. For that one mere month that I knew I was pregnant, everything I did was designed to sustain, support, & grow that life, to ensure that the baby inside me was protected & provided for – to give my child the beginning they deserved.
 
And so, in those in-between moments, when I learned that my body had failed in its role of protector & provider but before I'd gone into surgery to make it "official," I felt more helpless than ever before – like a failure who hadn't even done anything wrong. I'd gone from not-a-mother to mother-to-be to just plain old me again, all in the span of just over a month. And maybe it shouldn't have been long enough to change me, but I did.
 
Before my miscarriage, I was never really sure whether I wanted kids. I thought I wanted to adopt, maybe; I had no real interest in the specifics of being pregnant, didn't want some foreign body taking over my body, distorting & destroying my already-warped view of the flesh in which I life. I never felt the tick of that proverbial biological clock, never felt like I was missing out, never experienced any jealousy or envy over pregnant women or parents.
 
Until I did.
 
For the last 365 days, it has felt as though everyone is getting pregnant & having babies but me – & as much as I hate experiencing that jealousy & envy, as much as it makes me feel like a jerk & a failure & a sore loser (to put it bluntly), I can't seem to help it. Every pregnancy announcement is tinged with pain; there's joy, of course, because I love my friends, & I'm not a monster. But the hurt that comes with it – the "Why her & not me? Why not me, too?" thoughts that accompany it – eat away at me, sending me into a small tailspin every time.
  
I am embarrassed by it, almost, disgusted by it – by how simple & basic & common it all feels, to suddenly feel the desperate urge to be a mother, to experience jealousy & envy toward those who are, to to struggle this much with my feelings about it, which all seem to have changed so quickly & so dramatically. I was always so proud of being a woman who wasn't defined by my status as a parent or lack thereof, & sometimes I'm ashamed to have fallen into the age-old trope of "older woman desperate to have a child."
 
I just keep thinking there's something so cruel about the fact that I spent the entirety of my 20s trying so desperately not to get pregnant, only to find that getting pregnant is actually pretty difficult. There's something deeply & existentially unfair about having been so responsible in my lack of sureness about having a child, & then, upon deciding I'm sure, discovering that perhaps I am too old or my body too broken to have a child after all.
  
In this moment, I am just short of 36 & a half years old; at one time, I thought that by now, I would be the mother of a 5-month-old, but every day that passes leaves me one day older, one day closer to "too "late." I know many women my age & older have kids, that I am not doomed, & that even if I cannot have children of my own, adoption is still an option. I know this isn't over; I know this has, in some ways, barely begun. I know there is more to come. I know now, with certainty, that Mike & I want to be parents, & that we will work to make sure it happens.
  
But in the meantime, I'm just left with the wanting – with the ache of having been there, almost, of feeling like we were on the way toward parenthood. With the pain of having chosen a name & envisioned a future & started to change our life to accommodate someone else's presence within it.
 
In this moment, I'm reminded – yet, again, like I have been nearly every day for the past 365 of them – that I am not yet a mother, & that I do not know when or if I ever will be. That this journey is not going to be easy & clear-cut & straightforward & storybook. That we can't make our bodies do what we want them to do, & that try as we might, we don't have the power to bend the future to our whims.
 
We'll keep trying. We'll keep hoping. And until then, we'll keep grieving, too. 
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The 30-Recipe Project: My First 5 Recipes of the Year

Sunday, January 17, 2021

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Each year, I set a Goodreads goal for myself: How many books am I going to read this year? My 2021 goal is 55 books, up 10 from my 2020 goal. Back in 2018, I set a goal of 80 & read a whopping 101. I decided to take the same approach this year toward cooking & baking. 

As I've shared here before, I've finally learned how to do a little bit of both since the start of the pandemic – & while I'm nowhere near becoming an Ina Garten or a Mary Berry, I have started to enjoy exploring new-to-me recipes & trying my hand at getting things right. I'm setting my cooking goals a little bit lower than my reading goals, though: In 2021, I'd like to try at least 30 new-to-me recipes.

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What Life Looks Like Right Now

Thursday, January 14, 2021

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Sometimes when I don't know what the hell to write about or don't have the brain capacity for a "themed" post, I just do these round-up posts that round up... life lately. What have you been up to? Here's where my brain is these days. 

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An Ode to Washington, D.C., My First Favorite City

Wednesday, January 6, 2021

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I am 8 years old & visiting Washington, D.C., for the first time with my parents. My dad & I are sitting on a bench on the National Mall when a bird poops on his head. I am particularly enamored of public transit & of the Metro's colorful, extremely '90s logo. I write it all down in my diary, where I say that it is my favorite city in the world, as if I've been to others.

I am 14 years old, & my mom & I have taken my exchange student brother, who is from Peru, on a family vacation to Washington, D.C., so that he can see the U.S. capital while he's living here for the year. We visit the Air & Space Museum with my cousin, Patrick, & then we stand at the wrought-iron fence outside the White House, agog, in awe.

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A Few (OK, Many) Words on the Christianization of the Bachelor Franchise

Tuesday, January 5, 2021

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First things first, I was gonna write all this up into a nice packaged piece to submit to Alma, one of my favorite Jewish websites... but somebody else did it first. See "Is The Bachelor Just a Christian Dating Show Now?" by Emily Burack, the smart & insightful gal who beat me to the punch. 

After having a few conversations in a few Bachelor-related Facebook groups (Dear God, I am embarrassing), I realized that I've written enough words in there that I might as well put them into a piece to be shared here. I don't need to send my piece off to a publication if I've got a "publish" button right here! 

SO. Let's get to it.

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What I Read in November & December

Monday, January 4, 2021

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I know, I know, we're in a new year! Let 2020's memory be forgotten! But I couldn't close out the year without rounding up the books I read in the last two months of it. I think I might finally be back on the monthly review-writing bandwagon...

Oh, yeah, & if some of these individual reviews look familiar, it's because you read them in my Favorite Books of 2020 post, published last week. Check it out, if you haven't yet – & let me know what your favorite reads of the year were, too!

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