Sunday, March 15, 2009

I'd Rather Die Than Diet

When residents of my building want to dispose of things they feel others might find useful, they just leave them in the lobby near the mailboxes, which is how I got my lamp, my bedside table & a few books.

Last night, I discovered a far less useful throwaway - a week's supply of chocolate cookies! Sounds great, right? Billed as "a hunger controlling good," Cookie Diet chocolate cookies are intended to, well, control your hunger as you attempt to lose weight. You're supposed to eat six cookies a day, each followed by a glass of water, & the only meal you eat should be "a reasonable dinner."

My friend & I, of course, spent a good half hour laughing hysterically at almost every facet of The Cookie Diet, including its messaging, packaging and advertising. Oh -- and the TASTE! Yes, we opened a package of cookies & tentatively tried out the cookies that Cookie Diet founder Dr. Sanford Siegal has promoted on The Today Show. As suspected, they taste like sponges. But oh, wait:
The cookies' primary ingredient is water. A little further down the ingredient list is beef protein hydrolysate &, finally, cocoa powder. These cookies ARE essentially sponges - with a hint of meat flavoring.

My other favorite aspects of the Cookie Diet:
  • The guaranteed way to control your hunger is to EAT. Go figure! The Cookie Diet amounts to starving yourself all day (eating the occasional chocolate beef sponge to tide you over) & then eating a healthy dinner. Essentially, this diet amounts to cookie-encouraged anorexia.
  • The tagline at the top of the bag is "The Proven Weight-Loss Program That You Can Do With Your Doctor." Ummm? 'Nuff said.
  • In his photo on the cookie bag, Sr. Sanford Siegal is wearing a stethoscope, as though he needs to convince you that he really IS a doctor and, yes, the Cookie Diet is totally legit.
Fret not! A Cookie Diet kiosk is now open in Tyson's Corner, just a few miles away from the District! Anyone wanna go on a cookie adventure with me???
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