stuff tourists like
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This Land is My Land

Thursday, May 22, 2014

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As soon as I moved out of D.C. in 2010, I started to recount all the things I didn't do while I lived there. What about all the monuments, all the memorials, all the museums? What about all the great touristy stuff right in my own proverbial backyard that I never even bothered to check out? On return visits, I tried to get some of it in but never quite found it atop my priority list.

When my friend Isaac called a few weeks ago to say that the Washington Monument would be reopening & that he wanted to get tickets to go to the top of it, I was happy to join. It's been closed since August 2011, when a 5.8-magnitude earthquake hit the District & did precisely no damage except to the city's tallest building & most iconic monument. The repairs made & ugly scaffolding removed, it was finally fit for visitors again, & we (in a somewhat overeager fashion) bought tickets as soon as they went on sale.

Tornado warnings & possible thunderstorms threatened to cancel our plans in the lead-up to the evening, but when the time came for our 8:30pm tour, the weather couldn't have been more perfect. Clear & just a little bit windy, with an uncharacteristic lack of humidity, it was the ideal night to look out from 550 feet over the Mid-Atlantic area. I'd never been up the monument, & my friends hadn't been for more than a decade apiece, so we played tourist in our own city & made the 70-second elevator ride to the top for the best view in the capital.

As we stood in line, sandwiched between two groups of middle school students visiting the District on class trips, I remembered what it felt like to be an eighth grader from the suburbs experiencing a city for the first time, to horse around with my friends at the FDR Memorial & snap photos with the massive bronze statue of Fala the dog, to stand in the bread line, to jump across the stones in the fountain. I remembered what it felt like to be 21 years old, a rising senior at Kent State University, sitting on the lawn outside the Washington Monument with friends in my summer work/study program, the first time I'd ever lived out of Ohio, inexplicably moved to tears as I watched fireworks explode over the city on a muggy Fourth of July night. I remembered when it felt like just a few years later to be 23, when my friends & I braved the bitter cold with thousands of other Americans standing on the National Mall at dawn to celebrate the first inauguration of President Barack Obama, back when we still truly believed in change we could believe in.

I remember the big moments, like all of those. But I'll remember the smaller, quieter ones, too, with friends like these on nights like this, just living life, looking out over the first city that ever held my heart - the city that took me in, watched me go, then let me come home again.




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An Indoor Kid's Unexpected Revelation About the Outdoors

Saturday, June 29, 2013

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Blanket statement: I don't like hot weather. This is in part because I am the absolute sweatiest & in part because... well, mostly because of sweating. But also because of things like sunburns & frizzy hair & having to wear clothes that reveal things I don't like revealing, like arm fat. For the most part, I just don't like hot weather because it's not cold weather, which I really love. Winterfell is my jam, bro.

A lot of people don't understand this, of course, & think I must be broken. When I tell people Nathan is in the Coast Guard, approximately 75% of people say something like, "At least you'll always live near a beach!" This would be cool, if I had any desire to ever go to beaches, which I do not not.

Until yesterday?

Yesterday, I woke up to an amazing view outside my hotel window in Fort Lauderdale & thought, "Imma go hang out there today." I had to give a presentation for work in the morning, & as nervous as I was, I got through it by reminding myself that when I was done, I was going to go relax on the beach.

And I did.

And I liked it.

I bought myself a spray can of SPF 70, which Nathan told me is "like wearing a jacket to the beach," & slathered up my pasty-white skin. I put on my black one-piece bathing suit from Land's End, which I suspect is geared mostly toward a much older demographic than the one I'm in but which makes me feel kind of pretty. I rented two towels from the front desk & marched out to the shore, where I promptly claimed a lounge chair & took a few "OMG I'M AT THE BEACH" Instagram pics. And then I laid out there for, like, an hour & a half. And then I did it again today. It was sweaty, yes, but it was also so relaxing, & the water was so blue, & I felt so peaceful & blissed out that I couldn't possibly care. Hey, all that sweat & sunscreen & saltwater even made my hair look great!

And all was right with the world - especially when I remembered that I live at the Jersey Shore & can do this any time I want.


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Redneck Disney World

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

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At the southernmost tip of the great state of Maine lies a magical place known as the Kittery Trading Post. When you Google this mythical land, the subcategories that show up include "shooting accessories, "ammunition & magazines," "hunting clothing & footwear" & "archery," which should give you a feel for where this is going.


This moose greets you at the entrance. Similar moose greet you at the other entrances - because this place is freaking huge, multiple suburban blocks long & three floors high, so as far as I can tell, there are approximately a bazillion ways to get in. I once asked an employee for directions out & when I said, "I came in near the big moose," she asked, "Which one?" But lest you think this cadre of moose complete the KTP's taxidermied troops...


Would a zoom help? And maybe some big red circles to help you identify each dead animal? OK, here you go:


Yeah, I don't even know what some of those are. Is that a mountain goat? And that's just one wall! Kittery Trading Post is a veritable Where's Waldo of formerly living forest creatures.

But if formerly living forest creatures are too creepy for you - though I can't see why they would be - KTP also sells the cuddly creatures featured below. This is also a great way to prepare small children to their futures as expert marksmen.

The Foursquare reviews of the Kittery Trading Post are largely positive &, I assume, largely written by hunters & archers. I think I'm on Scott K.'s side:


But three floors is room for a lot of crap, which I have taken great pains to thoroughly explore. KTP specializes in actual hardcore outdoorsy gear, with the second floor almost entirely devoted to camping gear, kayaking equipment & the like. Because I am one of life's least outdoorsy individuals, I have yet to explore this area, but I have put lots of effort into checking out KTP's many tchotchkes, which is Yiddish for "crap that accumulates dust on shelves." If there's one thing I like, it's tchotchkes. Here's a smattering of some of my favorites:


At KTP, it also becomes obvious that these Mainers really embrace their Northeast roots. Just about everything in the store screams, "ALL WE HAVE IN THIS STATE IS MOOSE & LOBSTER & TOTAL WILDERNESS!"

But KTP is more than just a souvenir haven for Maine-bound tourists! It also sells items of great practical use. For example, if you're a lady cowhand in search of a new pair of overalls to wear while mucking in animal dung all day, KTP has just the section for you:

And you'll need shoes for all that dung-steppin', so don't forget to stop by KTP's shoe section*, where you can go hog-wild over the latest style of Dingos. Next wall over: UGGs. I kid you not.

If you fancy yourself a homemaker who values locally sourced foods, you'll love KTP's fascinatingly excessive selection of jellies & jams, stocked with everything from classic Strawberry Jam to the naughtier Spiced Rum Butterscotch Sauce to savory choices like Roasted Garlic Onion jam.**

And if you've got an unsightly hitch on the back o' yer truck, KTP can help you cover it up... with even more sightly plastic hitch covers in the shapes of feathered & furry friends! Turkeys, for example. And coyotes, but you have to pronounce it "KI-yotes," please, like the locals. And, um, buoys, for all you animal-haters out there who still want to cover your hitches in style. God, I've never used the word "style" so liberally in my life.
 

If you want to know the truth, I'm mildly obsessed with the Kittery Trading Post. OBVIOUSLY. It really is like redneck Disney World, but without the princesses & excessive branding. It's the Country Bear Jamboree come to life! At least they own it:


And in case, at the end of your visit, you're feeling overwhelmed by the dirty sin of consumerism, just stop by the bathroom on your way out, where your friendly local evangelicals have left reminders for you of Jesus's love. Atop the soap dispenser.




*Full disclosure: I bought a pair of discounted Sperry Topsiders here.
**Let's face it, this shiz is delicious; I can't bring myself to hate.
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Stuff Tourists Like, Part IV

Sunday, August 22, 2010

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It's that time again! Time for another look at tourists' favorite things to see & do - &, especially, their favorite ways to dress - while vacationing:
  1. Matchy-matchy outfits: There was a time in my life when I envied families who wore his-&-hers-&-all-of- theirs tees, a gaggle of neon green "Jones Family Reunion!" shirts weaving their way through Disney World. In retrospect, I think what I actually wanted was siblings, not a uniform that I identified me as having them. I thought this was one of those fads that ended in the '90s, just like neon green died, but lately I've seen a frightening number of similarly clad families near the National Zoo. And then there's this couple, who wasn't at the zoo but walking down U Street, which means they were likely not tourists at all, which gives them even less of an excuse to be dressed like this.


  2. Fanny packs: Including this one just feels weak. It's a total gimme. Tourists adore fanny packs, obviously. I don't even think I need to say much else, as this is self-explanatory: Fanny packs are convenient, sure, just like tool belts. They keep your most vital stuff (maps! sunscreen! money clip!) nearby so you can reach it easily, without rifling through an entire bag's worth of stuff. You know what else is similarly convenient? Tool belts. But you don't see people wearing tool belts around the city.
     
I often wonder what would happen if one of the people I surreptitiously photographed discovered his or her photo on my blog. Who would feel more terrible: me, for being unabashedly judgmental, or them, for committing such grievous fashion faux pas?
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Stuff Tourists Like, Pt. III

Saturday, July 17, 2010

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It's been awhile, I know, but only because I was trying to gather a sufficient number of photos in order to create a really extravagant collage. In the end, I only took five photos, mostly because chasing tourists down the street to snap their photo while remaining unnoticed is not as easy as you might think.

In case you missed the rest of the series, check out the other stuff tourists like by reading Part I & Part II, as observed during my lunch hour in the National Zoo neighborhood. Today, I proudly present you with the newest installment, one with lots of photographic evidence to prove its truthfulness:
  1. Bucket Hats: It's sunny out there, & as a Cullen-skinned young lady myself, I respect tourists' desire to avoid melanoma. After all, no one digs the leather look (save Snooki, I guess, but she's not visiting the National Zoo), which means lathering sunscreen on religiously, only to promptly sweat it off - or donning a hat to shield the rays.

    I tend to be of the belief system that almost all hats are hideously disgusting, though I concede that there are some forgivable options, including variations on the fedora & the straw hat. But you know what I can almost never get on board with? Bucket hats. And tourists love bucket hats. They're everywhere. I truly have no idea why, having not sported a bucket hat myself since the very early '90s (Lord forgive me). Maybe it's the brim? Maybe it's the full coverage the brim provides? Maybe it's a Gilligan complex? Regardless, every time I head out to pick up lunch, I spot at least five new bucket hats on the go.

OK, fine, even I admit that children in bucket hats are often adorbs & that it's probably entirely creepy of me to surreptitiously photograph children I don't know. In fact, I hope that it's not illegal or something. I'M JUST IN IT FOR THE HATS, I mean it.

And come on. These hats are good. Am I right?


PS: Are you following along in a reader? Click through & check out my new layout, as designed by the lovely Moorea Seal. Let me know what you think!
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Stuff Tourists Like, Round II - With Photos!

Monday, June 21, 2010

They say a picture's worth a thousand words - & whoever they are, they're right. Sometimes, one photo says it all. Take, for example, this dude, spotted last week leaving the zoo:



But jut because the photo speaks for itself doesn't mean I'm not going to speak, too.

OK. The wife is donning too-floppy-for-a-day-of-serious-walking sandals wit unforgivable white jorts & a weirdly-sorta-fancy shirt, which is something inexplicable that Midwestern touristy women sometimes do. I'm willing to give her a pass, because she basically looks normal; I wouldn't have noticed her if she hadn't been with this dude, who is, let's face it, a total gem.

Let's take another look at him, shall we?


This guy personifies, like, half a dozen cardinal fashion sins of the typical DC tourist. Things tourists love, as evidenced by this dude's closet, include:
  1. Tall white socks: Gonna be marchin' 'round the city? Better get yer walkin' socks on! While I'd never fault anyone their walking shoes (bunions are a bitch, I'm sure), I simply fail to understand how miles of walking are made any easier by suffocating your poor ankles in thick cotton tubing.

  2. Cut-off tees: I don't get it. You cover your ankles but bare your arms? Be consistent, folks. Your shirt came with sleeves for a reason. You are not Christian Siriano; do not attempt your own clothing mods.

  3. Camo: Straight from the woods & parks to Woodley Park, it seems, but here at the National Zoo, there's no need to blend in with the foliage, folks. While you must shield your face from the sun in this heat - as it's approximately a gabillion degrees - please refrain from going the John Deere route unless you're actually toting around, like, a dead deer.
So there you have it. Three birds with one stone, totally one-upping that old cliche. In closing, I'd like to thank this nameless stranger for his unknowing contribution to the Stuff Tourists Like list. Wherever he is, may he be blessed with a happy, sleeveless suburban life.
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Stuff Tourists Like!

Monday, June 14, 2010

My new office is quite close to my apartment in Woodley Park, right near the National Zoo. At lunch (a concept worth its own post entirely, as new-work-lunch is much, much different than old-work-lunch), I've been taking 15 minutes to hang out on the front porch & eat the elementary schoolesque meals I pack for myself in the morning (think pudding cups, applesauce, pretzels & the like). As I sit & chew, I can't help but observe the passing tourists on their way to & from the zoo. It's like a sport, this brand of people-watching, time to myself to be quiet & observational &... OK, fine, judgmental.

Earlier this week, mid-judgment, I came up with a brilliant idea: STUFF TOURISTS LIKE. I've sort of covered this in the past, but this time, I mean business. (In fact, you might even say that it's bidness time.) Let's get this party started, shall we? We're gonna start slow & build the excitement, like... um, like... something really exciting... ANYWAY, let's begin.
  1. Giant Slurpees from 7-Eleven: In a move of sheer genius, 7-Eleven opened up shop right across from the National Zoo, where it outfits eager tourists with necessities like Fritos & chocolate milk & weird taquitos under heat lamps... & about a dozen flavors of gigantron Slurpees, fit for slurping & spilling. As you can imagine, this means the place is always crammed to the brim with screamers under the age of 7, & the floor is always, always sticky.

  2. Mini backpacks: It's like the '90s every day here on Connecticut Avenue, where droves of zoo-goers sport miniaturized versions of otherwise-sort-of-acceptable backpackery. Some try to modernize their tiny accessories with Vera Bradley prints & weird leather stitching that is perhaps considered fashionable in certain parts of, like, Montana. But no matter their pattern, every mini backpack makes me want to sing "Fat guy in a little coat."

You know what? That's it for now. I have more, but sometimes ya gotta build the momentum toward a good thing.
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