Sunday, June 29, 2008

A Fun New Game at My Expense! Created By... Me.

I visited the brand, spankin' new Newseum on Friday with coworkers/friends, where we began a new game, one that I suspect will be ongoing despite its somewhat depressing undertones in relations to my living quarters. The game, "Things That Are Bigger Than Kate's Apartment," is a bit of a spin on "Things Younger Than John McCain," the trendy, questionably humorous ageism blog. Trust me, my game is just as fun!

Round One: Things That Are Bigger Than Kate's Apartment:
#1: Unabomber Theodore Kasczynski's remote cabin in the woods of Montana

#2: The Newseum's three impressive hydraulic glass elevators

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Weird, The Crazy & the Fashionably Questionable

This week's most chuckle-inducing sightings:

Who:
An unidentifiable man (woman?)
(Doing) What: Wearing a mascot-style bumblebee suit in 94-degree weather
Where: Standing on the balcony of Longworth House Office Building
When: As I roasted in the overwhelming heat at an ADA Amendments Act press conference this afternoon
Why:
I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA

Who:
An average-looking, middle-aged woman maneuvering a purple minivan
(Doing) What: Practicing loud, shrill opera notes without realizing her windows weren't soundproof
Where: Stopped at a routine red light on Connecticut Avenue
When: As I awaited an 8:37 L4 bus home from Woodley Park last night
Why:
I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA

Who:
A cross-dressed Janet Renoesque man
(Doing) What:
Wearing the ruffliest, brightest, blue polyester dress I've seen since 8th grade semiformal
Where: Pacing the sidewalk outside Yanni's Greek Taverna
When:
As I enjoyed a happy hour & a chicken souvlaki pita with some Ohio pals during happy hour tonight
Why: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA


Runners Up: Other Noteworthy No-Idea-Whys!

  • A 4' man who was not a midget but was, in fact, entirely proportional & tiny
  • Seventeen full-length yellow school buses parked outside my apartment
  • An elderly Metro rider wearing headphones the size of large apples

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Literary Voyeurism

The other day, I sent my friend Lindsey this text:
"Woman next to me on the train is reading a book, & over her shoulder I can make out one line: 'Even as he fondled the flower of her vagina'!!!"

Her response:
"Wow, public erotica reading, eh? Hot. And my vagina doesn't have a flower... should I be jealous?"

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

"Ganja babe, my sweet ganja babe."

A surefire way to guarantee your company will drug test you upon hire:



Classiest.
Tattoo.
EVER.

Monday, June 16, 2008

"There's a 30% chance that it's already raining."

I've discovered that if bad weather hits the Buckeye State on any given day, it's an almost foolproof guarantee that the same storm front will hit the District in approximately/exactly 24 hours.

It almost makes me excited for apocalyptic weather, if only because it makes me feel like Professor Trelawney, only better. Snap. Nice little system I got goin' on here.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Week of the Wild

For your viewing pleasure, a sampling of some of the exciting visions I witnessed last week. For starters, this lovely purple & yellow striped outfit strutting down Connecticut Avenue. Please be aware that although the blurry photograph doesn't properly address the outfit's details, the yellow striped include small, abstract, purple fish. How very... Nubian?


This license plate is clearly self-explanatory. Your pap smear is just a back seat away.


Aaron says I ought to feel like a bad person for taking this picture of a man wearing a floral print dress & carrying a plastic baby doll. Frankly, I did feel bad, because it was clear that the guy had some mental issues happening. That said, how could I possibly pass up a guy in a floral print dress carrying a plastic baby doll? For all you folks from my hometown, you'll understand when I say that this guy was the D.C. equivalent of a Bruce.


Annnnnd my favorite. VESPA TOURS. In case being a tourist doesn't already strip you of your dignity, throw yourself in front of the embarrassment bus by joining this party.


Correction: SEGWAY TOURS. Thanks, Daniel. I tend to get my modes of lame transportation confused.

Friday, June 13, 2008

"Yo, This is Swanky As F*ck."

One of the perks of summer in the city is an abundance of invitations to a variety of free events. Last night, I attended an event planning fair at the National Zoo with a few coworkers, & I think Ben "The Benator" Weyl put it best when he turned to me, as we awaited our free Linenkugels, & uttered the line that is the subject of this blog post. That sentence sums it up: Although the event was of said swankiness status, Ben's crass description betrayed our severe lack of personal swank.

Regardless, we enjoyed three "stations" of free food & drink. In the Small Mammal House, we dined on shooters of asparagus soup, platefuls of creamy spinach & artichoke dip and mini provolone sandwiches, and we camped out outside the kitchen area for second helpings of crispy plantains with guacamole & hearts of palm. We also enjoyed not one but two free cocktails, aptly named things like Zebra Stripes and the Leopartini.

At the second station, located in what was basically a small meadow, we feasted on Midwestern-style BBQ -- brats, hot dogs, veggie burgers, baked beans, fruit salad & all four glorious flavors of Linenkugel -- while listening to an Enya-style band with a bored-looking lead. I sneaked a Coke into my purse for the road because the contents of my refrigerator are, as usual, pathetically substandard.

And finally, we trekked to Amazonia, where we were surprised to find, not the advertised fondue & flambe, but a buffet of Latin-style hors d'oeuvres, my favorite of which were the prosciutto-wrapped mango slices. Sounds gross, I know, but as Joanna said, "Anything tastes good wrapped in thinly sliced ham."

Swanky.
As.
F*ck.
Try not to be jealous of us.

Monday, June 9, 2008

My Life on the D-List

Who knew Cleveland Hopkins Airport was such a hubbub of celebrity activity? As I awaited my flight to Baltimore yesterday evening, a girl sitting necxt to me leaned over: "Do you watch American Idol?" she asked. Upon my pseudo-affirmative answer (don't judge), she asked, "OK, is that Scott Savol?" And it was! Waiting in line to iron out announced difficulties with his flight to Nashville was the Cleveland-dwelling former Idol in the flesh -- much less flesh than he had on the show, I might add.


The Idol-spotter & I parted ways, but 20 minute slater she returned to me: "Scott Hamilton is over there!" she told me excitedly, & dragged me across the concourse to check out the figure-skating legend playing with his wife & son. I watched/listened in entertainment as a nearly 400-pound guy in a had his picture taken with The Ham, babbling on & on about how much respect he has for him.


In line to board, I saw the third celeb: fellow former American Idol & vocal powerhouse Melinda Doolittle, looking patently normal, extremely friendly & surprisingly gorgeous. She caught me staring a few times & was nice enough to just smile & wave while I berated myself for creeping.


And finally, boarding just slightly ahead of me, Congressman Dennis Kucinich, D-OH, a former Presidential hopeful who needs no introduction. I sat behind him on the plane & very nearly whacked him in the head with my carry-on luggage while pulling it down from the overheard compartment. He was a fabulously nice guy, asking me where I went to school, where I was working, how I liked D.C., whether I missed the OH. For all his craziness, he sure was jovial.
Want a good laugh? Try texting 15 of your closest friends that you're sitting behind Dennis Kucinich on a plane. Responses included:
  • "Talk to him! It'll be the funniest pol convo ever!"
  • "Make sure to smack him for me. He's crazy."
  • "I saw him make out with his wife. remember that story?"
  • "You should sleep with him! Say hi for me."
  • "Tell him nice job on the hot wife. Bummer about everything else."
  • "Pull his hair. See if it's a toupe.

And my favorite, from Ethan: "Ask him to take you to his leader."


Thursday, June 5, 2008

Dupont Circle is Sweet. No, Seriously.

Best part of my life right now: TANGYSWEET. It’s the new kid on the P Street block, not dissimilar to Pinkberry, New York City’s finest Coldstone-style frozen yogurt gig. My coworkers & I get a 10% discount, the owner told us, because we’re “neighbors” (i.e. we work a whopping ½-block away), so today I treated myself to some (fat free!) pomegranate froyo with kiwi for a mere $3.

My life gets better: Coming next month to Connecticut Ave. is Hello Cupcake!
, with a self-explanatory name. This opens just before your Suburban Sweetheart celebrates her 24th birthday on August 5th, so please take note: I predict that my favorite flavors will be Velvet Elvis & Peanut Butter Blossom.

Ohio never tasted this good.

My Day at the Doc: Real-Life Potty Humor

In my search for a D.C. doctor, two coworkers recommended I see their internist, rated one of the best in the district by The Washingtonian. Yesterday, said doc sees me briefly before referring me two floors up to get some blood work done. Imagine my surprise when I arrive to find what amounts to a free clinic, crawling with crazies (shocking!) & an African-American albino (actually shocking!) & a patient named Antoinette Braxton (hilarious).

Following my blood test, during which I blacked out, I was asked to give a urine sample. The two bathrooms at said clinic, however, had both just been cleaned & wouldn’t be available for another 20 minutes – sort of ridiculous since urine samples are one of two things they do at the clinics. Tired of waiting, I agreed to use the restroom across the hall, grabbing my sample cup & heading for the lobby, where I noticed that, in classic free clinic style, the waiting room was filled with dozens of patients.

It was only then that I realized I’d have to walk through this same room in a few minutes… carrying a cup of my own pee. I might as well have been holding a sign that read, "Look at me! I'm dehydrated!" I headed off to this sketchy bathroom with a cupful of soap rather than a dispenser (see below) & then embarrassedly rushed back through the waiting room with my sample wrapped in a towel. Like no one knew what it was?!


To top it off, I blacked out again in the elevator, woozy from the blood test. Three strangers came to my rescue – one bought me Gatorade, another gave me Jolly Ranchers & a third handed me a wet washcloth for my neck. Who ever said city folk are heartless?

Monday, June 2, 2008

For the Shit You Can't Hawk on Ebay...

This framed pic was sitting in the lobby of my apartment building when I came home late Friday night. It's kind of cheesy and '70s-esque, but who could resist snagging lame decor gratis, especially when it came with such a quirky note attached?



In case you can't read it, it says, "FREE! (make your life better!)" So I did. And thus far, it hasn't. I'll wait.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Sculpted Calves & A Really Long Wait

Quickest way to get a nice little workout:
A broken escalator at the Dupont Metro station's north entrance.

...

Quickest way to miss your train:
A broken escalator at the Dupont Metro station's north entrance.
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