- "Signing" all comments/status updates with your name
We know who you are. That's how this thing works.
- Making your sonogram your profile photo
Plenty of people I like very much have done this or are currently doing it, & I would like to note that I have no less love for them because of it - but frankly, the world does not need to see your wee one's first-ever photograph. Also, as a bonus - 2A, if you will - you know what's worse than posting sonogram photos as your profile pic? Posting photos of your C-section. Period. Wait, wait, who was in the room taking pictures of this? And why do you want me to see them? And in case you're wondering, yes, this actually happened. And yes, I reported it to Facebook for pornography. Mean? Maybe. But my eyes were angry.
- Having a joint Facebook account
Guys. I get that you are madly in love & attached at the hip & perhaaaaps not all that trusting of one another. Maybe, if you're that nervous, you can give one another your account passwords or something. (This is a whole other issue, obviously.) But when you create a joint JaneandJohn Jackson account, I am forced to forever address you as a singular unit, losing all sense of your individuality, if it even exists. And I'm also forced to hate you a little bit, even if I really like you.
- Keeping your baby journal online
There was a day, long ago, when proud parents kept baby books that were - gasp! - written by hand, complete with little tiny handprints & locks of hair, noting baby's first words & baby's first steps & baby's first experience with solid foods, both coming in & going out. Now, proud exhibitionist parents post status updates about everything from baby colic to baby crap. You wouldn't tell me when you've pooped - why would you tell me when your child has?! Some family milestones are best kept within the family.
- Airing your dirty laundry in comment wars
There are things I don't even know about my very best friends that I am privy to knowing about my furthest acquaintances, thanks to Mark Zuckerberg's genius. You boyfriend cheated on you & then you had great make-up sex but then he cheated on you again? You think your ex-husband is a piece of trash who doesn't deserve to breathe the same air as amoebas on fleas on rats? You're anti-welfare & want to tell a friend who relies on it that you think she's a lazy waste of space? There are better places to have all of these conversations - like with one another or, in some cases, not at all.
- Creating an account for your unborn baby and/or pet
This should be self-explanatory. Your cat can't talk, & neither can your kid. It should be obvious that neither one deserves a Facebook account.
- Tagging your children as yourself
Yes, you made them. But you are NOT THEM, you crazy helicopter-parents-in-waiting! While I understand that you want to be able to keep track of the photos of your kids posted by others, there's gotta be a less weird way to go about it than mixing their baby pics with four-year-old photos of you doing keg stands. And no, number five is not the answer. Something else is. Figure it out. You're a parent, aren't you supposed to be supersmart now? Isn't that how that works?
- Using any third-party app that publishes quiz results directly to your wall
- Automatically updating your status messages via tweet, @ & all.
- Making real-life plans via extended wall conversation
- Status updates about what you're eating (exceptions can be made if, say, you are particularly hilarious or eating a five-course meal cooked for you by a famous chef)
- Quoting Train lyrics