My Blogskillz Bring All the Boys to the Yard...

My Blogskillz Bring All the Boys to the Yard...

Thursday, October 16, 2008

1 comment

The glory that is Google Analytics allows me to browse the Google keywords that cause people to stumble upon my little blog. Some of them are, frankly, incredible. I love it. Ready? Commentary included, of course!

• "jdate" (Lonely, single Jews searching for their soulmates.)
  
• "sara jay" (Fans of the porn star I met on my birthday hoping for nudie pics)
  
• "1 br dupont circle" (Folks looking to move into one-room shacks like mine)
  
• "bar-b-quin with my honey" (Someone looking for Rap Snacks!)
  
• "bow tied men" (A lady interested in classy gents)
  
• "bow to men" (Some subservient woman?)
  
• "buckeyes for boobies shirt" (I HAVE NO IDEA. How is this relevant to me?)
  
• "cinematic concepts in goodbye lenin!" (College film major)
  
• "city wife" (How did you get to ME? My apologies.)
  
• "class of spiders daddy longleg where dose it hange out" (Some poor arachnophobe)
  
• "day time hooker" (Governor Elliott Spitzer)
  
• "feel the power between my legs" (Armageddon fan... or huge perv)
  
• "four and a half punctuation" (A grammarian led astray)
  
• "glenmont metro and tow" (Some sad Marylander with a broken down vehicle)
  
• "is there a city name sweetheart" (Someone hoping I constitute an entire city)
  
• "metacarpal contusion" (Some sad sack with a broken hand who hopefully has quieter neighbors than I had)
  
• "musical metro" (Not sure... but they no doubt ended up with the story of my attempted murder last autumn)
  
• "my sweet babe" (Sweet-talker)
• "navy wife" (Again with the wives flocking to me for reasons unknown...)
  
• "ohio porn stars" (More Sara Jay seekers?)
  
• "palin" (There's no way I'm even in the top 1,000 results for this, so someone was REALLY dedicated in terms of vetting their Google results on this one.)
  
• "porn star jan b" (PERVS LOVE ME)
  
• "sex" (See my comments for "Palin," incidentally)
  
• "she makes the city seem like home" (Anberlin fan! Emo kid!)
  
• "sole decision" (Someone looking for shoes?)
  
• "sweetheart coffee cincinnati" (Beats me.)
  
• "sweetheart cupcake i'll be there for sure" (Beats me, part two.)
  
• "the machinist schizophrenia" (Christian Bale fan. Or someone with a mental illness. Whichev.)
  

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Birth Week Begins! (Or "The Porn Star Who Came to Dinner")

Birth Week Begins! (Or "The Porn Star Who Came to Dinner")

Saturday, August 2, 2008

6 comments

I admit that I tend to be a bit of a birthday snob, the sort of person who celebrates a Birth Week, capitalized, rather than a simple birthday. And I admit I'd been worried that my 24th would slide by unnoticed here in D.C, that I didn't know enough people here to make it special. I feel blessed to discover that though my friends here may be few, they are mighty. Let Birth Week begin! :)

Aaron announced that he would be taking me to dinner tonight. After much inner struggle regarding where to dine (which included list-making, suggestion-taking & menu-Googling), I decided upon Urbana, a fairly new, trendy restaurant in Dupont where I once had the best hors d'oeuvre of my life.

Not that you really care, but for my personal benefit, I shall recount my glorious meal. It included a shared tagliere of meats & cheeses, an entree of swiss chard & ricotta ravioli with grilled bacon & parmesan, an amazing cucumber-infused vodka cocktail that I can't find a description of online, plus a (free!) birthday dessert of tiramisu & quite a large glass of a dessert wine, Coppo Bracetto D'Acqui, which the waiter surprised me with. I LOVED IT ALL SO MUCH, especially the company! I don't think such restaurants exist in Akron, Ohio, & this boy sure doesn't. Two D.C. pluses.

The next-best part came when the two women sitting at the neighboring booth left & Aaron informed me that one of them, the one I'd just chatted about Ohio with, was actually a fairly well-known porn star!!! That's right, I spent my birthday dinner sitting next to Sara Jay, a 36E-sized Cincinnatian who has sex for a living. She was, I might add, very nice, if not a bit scantily clad... although in retrospect, I suppose that's to be expected.



Who needs a Birth Week when you have such a lovely pre-birthday evening???

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Literary Voyeurism

Literary Voyeurism

Sunday, June 22, 2008

2 comments

The other day, I sent my friend Lindsey this text:
"Woman next to me on the train is reading a book, & over her shoulder I can make out one line: 'Even as he fondled the flower of her vagina'!!!"

Her response:
"Wow, public erotica reading, eh? Hot. And my vagina doesn't have a flower... should I be jealous?"

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Just in Time for Valentine's Day....

Just in Time for Valentine's Day....

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

3 comments

MY NEIGHBORS HAVE MORE SEX THAN ANYONE I HAVE EVER MET.

Is this a common apartment problem or am I the only one experiencing this accidental audio voyeurism? I HATE IT.

And just for me, this is CNN's top story of the day.

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That's So Meta...carpal

That's So Meta...carpal

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

6 comments

I neglected to mention that when I woke up to Anita & Alvin having sex on Saturday morn, I knocked on the wall to try to get them to shut up -- & damaged my hand. The concrete wall is, well, concrete, which was not what I expected; basically, I tried to kung-fu a brick.


Today I finally conceded, heading to the ER to get things checked out. The conclusion? A metacarpal contusion with risk of fracture, a.k.a. a large bruise that could possibly turn into a small break. The solution? A splint that I have to wear for a week.



In short, I hurt my hand as a result of someone else's sex life. Tell me that's a common ER story.

Also, this took me about 20 minutes to write because my gigantron fingers keeping entering errant punctuation marks. That's right -- your Suburban Sweetheart is officially a big city gimp.

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The Vocalists Next Door

The Vocalists Next Door

Sunday, January 27, 2008

4 comments

I got new neighbors last month & thus far, they've been tolerably loud. I say "tolerably" because I've been too chicken to say anything to them, primarily because there's no easy way to tell perfect strangers, "I can hear you having sex at least twice a week."

Last night, they hosted a very loud birthday party, which I specifically know because it felt like their guests were singing "Happy Birthday" from my bed. After finally falling asleep around 3:00, I was awakened early this morning by a lot of, shall we say, personal sounds.

So I drafted about five different versions of a respectful yet awkward note to the perps & slid it in their door handle. Then, as soon as everything quieted down, I promptly went back to sleep but was awakened yet again by a knock on my door. "You've woken me up twice today," I thought angrily, "and I am not getting up this time." Also, you know, I'm scared of confrontation, which may have been a contributing factor to my refusal to answer the door.

Anyway, they ventured over here again around 8:30 tonight, & when I answered the door, there they were: The pretty, tiny Latina girl I held the elevator for on Thursday & said "hi" to at the grocery store tonight, and her short, tough-looking boyfriend (husband?). Their names are Anita & Alvin. Quaint. As I looked at them & shook their hands, I couldn't stop thinking that I've heard these people doing it.

"You can just knock next time," Anita told me while Alvin stood there with intimidating, unblinking eyes. "The note was kind of awkward."

Oh, really? Waking up to your own personal porno wasn't awkward at all, folks, & I'm sure knocking during the next one won't be, either.

It's official: I just discovered the one thing I hate about apartment living.

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A Match Made in Geekdom Heaven

A Match Made in Geekdom Heaven

Thursday, October 25, 2007

No comments

Akron, Ohio, has its own mini Craigslist, but there are some posts you're only going to find in big cities.

This is one such post.

If you're into sportbikes, World of Warcraft & sexiness, this is the post for you. And if you're not into any of those, perhaps this picture will be enough to entice you:



This girl may not be x-core enough for our Asian gamer, but she still sounds mildly hilarious.

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Public Nudity & Spreading the Love

Public Nudity & Spreading the Love

Thursday, October 18, 2007

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Overheard today at the Q Street entrance to the Metro, spoken by a tidy if still unattractive young professional on a Blackberry: "Dude, I just had a physical in the spring, so she definitely didn't catch that from me."

I guess there's nothing like a public announcement of genital cleanliness to catch the single ladies' attention, right? Perhaps he'd be welcomed at this event, also advertised in the circle:



I don't exactly know what this means -- or, for that matter, when it's taking place -- but it sounds catchy.

No pun intended.

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