TMI Thursday: What If?

TMI Thursday: What If?

Thursday, June 4, 2009

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As you know, I don't really do TMI Thursday, even when I "do" it. I'm not easily embarrassed & I'm also not willingly personal about much of my life, as I was reminded the other day when my mother sent me an email urging me to remove my anti-JDate post. As she threatened to stop reading my blog (is that a painful threat?!),* she provided me with a reminder that plenty of the people I know in real life also go home to their Google Readers, where they then read through my innermost thoughts.

OK, that's a lie. You are not privy to my innermost thoughts, folks. Only the suburban/city-related ones. Mostly the ones that involve me passing judgment on other people.

But what if you DID have front row seats to the inner workings of this brain? What if I DID participate in TMI Thursday's, LiLu- and Maxie-style? What would your Suburban Sweetheart be churning out come the fourth work day of every week?

So this post is a tease. But so what? You know you're curious. If I were to participate fully in TMI Thursday, here are a few of my would-be post titles. You can imagine their would-be content for yourself.

• TMI Thursday: 'I'm Being Chased. Can I Chill on Your Porch?'
• TMI Thursday: Happy Birthday to Me - A Mean Right Hook & a Hard Sidewalk
• TMI Thursday: Auld Lang Syne & Why All Acquaintance WILL Be Forgot By This Time Next Year
  
• TMI Thursday: New York State of (Absent-)Mind(ed-At-A-Sketchy-Bar)
  
• TMI Thursday: It's OK, This Bathroom Floor Was More Comfortable Than My Bed
• TMI Thursday: 'Hey, Mom, I Thought You Should Know...'
  
• TMI Thursday: Good Morning, Thanks for Breakfast, & of COURSE I Haven't Been Here All Night!
• TMI Thursday: The Double Entendre of Inauguration Weekend
• TMI Thursday: 'Is Your Gas Worth More Than My Life?'
  
• TMI Thursday: 'You Should Learn to Chew Your Food Better'
• TMI Thursday: That's What I Get for Waking up in Vegas
• TMI Thursday: Grasshopper Breath & the Jonas Pledge
• TMI Thursday: 'Will You Google the Age of Consent for Me?'
• TMI Thursday: His Futon Feels Exactly Like MY Futon!
• TMI Thursday: Why Ponytails Are a Weakness in Battle

The best part of writing these has not been recalling all my humiliating life achievements but anticipating what sort of way-worse-than-real-life shenanigans others might conjure up based upon the titles I've provided. Tell me whatcha got?




*I know you're still reading this, Mom.

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TMI Thursday: This City is Full of Ugly People in Excellent Relationships

TMI Thursday: This City is Full of Ugly People in Excellent Relationships

Thursday, May 21, 2009

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I'm giving TMI Thursday a try, though I refuse to be wholly embarrassing, at least not yet. I will, however, try to stretch my limits a little bit by blogging about things I wouldn't typically say.

First things first: I attempt not to discuss my love life here. That's partially because I have absolutely no love life to discuss & partially because I'm not much of a public sharer, despite my penchant for tweeting, talking, gossiping. Yes, I recognize that all aspects of my personality ought to point to my being a public sharer, but it's simply not the case. I did talk about my Johnny Fajitas fling, if only briefly, because the nickname "Johnny Fajitas" was way too good to keep from you guys, but that's been the extent.

Anyway: I'm also not big on vulgarity. I like to swear when it gets the point across, which is fairly often, but I tend to shy away from words that reference genitalia. They feel inappropriate & make me uncomfortable, & I assume they make my grandmother & my boss uncomfortable, as well - & as we've determined in past posts, both of those folks read this blog. That said... goddamn it, do I love Speak On It's blog post today, genitalia vulgarity & all, about why she's still single in this city. Not for the faint of vocab, she writes:

When I look at people all bunned up in a relationship with baby #3 on the way that are 4 years younger than me, there are a few thoughts that run through my head.

1 - Well goddamn who the fuck decided to stick their dick in that thing at least FOUR FUCKING TIMES to make a NEW PERSON?
2 - How in the hell did they land a husband and I’m still single?! It must be the head. She HAS to be giving good head. Because duh.
3 - Aw, I want a husband and a house and 2.5 kids with a dog and a yard with a garden and the picturesque bullshit idea of a family life that we all love to cling to.

This is typically my train of thought upon running into young couples, as well, though such thoughts increase exponentially upon my encountering couples that don't seem to match. You know what I mean. This week, for example, I met a really unattractive woman. I also met her particularly attractive husband. And listen, don't give me your "It's not always about looks!" bullshiz. What are you, my kindergarten teacher? I know looks aren't everything. I get that. I'm down with that. And as a fairly average-looking individual myself, I very much rely on that cliche principle to assist me in landing hotter-than-average members of the opposite sex.

That couple I mentioned meeting, though, is, interestingly, not an anomaly here in the District. In fact, this city is teeming with mismatched couples just like them. Couples that are half Angelina Jolie & half Drew Carey. Half Pierce Brosnan & half Susan Boyle. Half Carrie Prejean & half Skeletor. (On second thought, I'll take the Skeletor half of that combo, please. This is one example in which the "personality trumps all" card really comes into play). And every time I spot one of these bafflingly mismatched couples, I have to admit that my thought process is typically as follows:

1. "Wow, that attractive [insert gender here] must be really open-minded, accepting & kind."
2. "Wow, that brutally unattractive [insert gender here] must be really effing charming and/or manipulative."

What are these attractive folks thinking? And what are these ugly folks doing to land them? More importantly, which side do I take advice from? And WHY ARE THEY ALL IN D.C.?

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