It's OK to Admit: I'm Having a Hard Time

Friday, November 9, 2018

I haven't been doing all that great lately. 

It doesn't feel good to say, especially as someone who has struggled with mental illness in the past. I'm definitely not there right now, nor do I feel like I'm on the road to there - but I worry, you know? I worry that I could end up back there, no matter how hard I try not to, so whenever things start to shift in a downward direction, well... I get nervous.

First, I had two back-to-back busy weeks, filled with Harness rides, blogger events, freelance interviews, meetings with friends & colleagues, & more than a few late work nights. For the most part, they were all fun things, but for literally 14 days straight, I didn't have a single night to myself. I got through it by knowing that, soon, I'd have nothing but free time - that my busy weeks would come to an end & I could rest then.

Except then the Pittsburgh synagogue shooting happened. I work for a major Jewish organization, so not only was I personally devastated, I was suddenly, professionally, very busy. By now, given our past responses to global crises, I'm used to launching into go-mode when something awful happens - but given the specifics of this incident, it was incredibly difficult not to be able to take the time to process my own feelings.

When I was finally able to do so, I took a day off just to sleep - & no joke, some days I can sleep until 4pm. Horrifying, right? I haven't had my sleep study yet because of a scheduling error (the hospital's fault, not mine); in the meantime, I feel like my sleep disorders are getting worse, if that's possible. I sleep way too much, & sometimes I can hardly function during the workday. I have to leave the house just to convince my body to stay awake, & even then, it barely works.

I'm also struggling with money. I'm dealing with medical bills that haven't even reached full capacity (hello, upcoming sleep study), & I freelanced so much this year that I'm my taxes will likely wipe out a massive chunk of my savings. I'm trying to make better everyday choices, but I continue to never get it quite right. I recently read The Financial Diet, which inspired me but also made me feel worse; how am I 34 & still sucking at all this?Am I ever going to get this right?

In the vein of feeling bad about myself, I'm the biggest/heaviest I've ever been, despite the fact that I've been working out more - & more consistently - than ever before in my life. COME ON, body.I know, in theory, that I'll only see actual results if I start eating better & probably doing some sort of cross-training, but, well, it just feels bad. And it feels incredibly discouraging, which makes me not want to ride anymore, which is absolutely not the right decision.

Oh, & my house is a mess, too. Mike & I rent a duplex, in part because we know we wouldn't be able to keep up, right now, with owning a whole house - but that makes me feel kind of inept sometimes. The floors are always dirty, the sink is always full, & I've always got four loads of laundry do. A clean home brings me mental peace when everything else is crazed, but I can't ever seem to get to the place clean. (And I'd hire cleaners again, except for that whole money business!)

God, this doesn't even touch on the politics of the world right now & how all of that feels... I can't even begin to get into that.

In other words, things have been feeling kind of tough lately. I'm having a hard time, even though I know it won't be forever. I know I am fortunate & privileged & overall, doing just fine, but I've been feeling, well, off. I feel sad & discouraged & overwhelmed & tired & just never good enough. I want to be better than I am at... well, at everything, really. At time management, at self-care, at health, at cleanliness, at finances, at cooking, at... the list goes on.

OK, I'm getting carried away. I am, all things considered, a perfectly good & high-functioning adult - but sometimes it's difficult to give myself that credit, especially when I see so many ways I could be doing better. Right now, I'm just I'm trying my hardest not to retreat into a sad winter hole, a.k.a. my bed.

How do you make it through the downswings? What do you do when you're feeling bad about yourself &... you know, everything else?

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