It's OK to Admit: I'm Having a Hard Time

It's OK to Admit: I'm Having a Hard Time

Friday, November 9, 2018

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I haven't been doing all that great lately. 

It doesn't feel good to say, especially as someone who has struggled with mental illness in the past. I'm definitely not there right now, nor do I feel like I'm on the road to there - but I worry, you know? I worry that I could end up back there, no matter how hard I try not to, so whenever things start to shift in a downward direction, well... I get nervous.

First, I had two back-to-back busy weeks, filled with Harness rides, blogger events, freelance interviews, meetings with friends & colleagues, & more than a few late work nights. For the most part, they were all fun things, but for literally 14 days straight, I didn't have a single night to myself. I got through it by knowing that, soon, I'd have nothing but free time - that my busy weeks would come to an end & I could rest then.

Except then the Pittsburgh synagogue shooting happened. I work for a major Jewish organization, so not only was I personally devastated, I was suddenly, professionally, very busy. By now, given our past responses to global crises, I'm used to launching into go-mode when something awful happens - but given the specifics of this incident, it was incredibly difficult not to be able to take the time to process my own feelings.

When I was finally able to do so, I took a day off just to sleep - & no joke, some days I can sleep until 4pm. Horrifying, right? I haven't had my sleep study yet because of a scheduling error (the hospital's fault, not mine); in the meantime, I feel like my sleep disorders are getting worse, if that's possible. I sleep way too much, & sometimes I can hardly function during the workday. I have to leave the house just to convince my body to stay awake, & even then, it barely works.

I'm also struggling with money. I'm dealing with medical bills that haven't even reached full capacity (hello, upcoming sleep study), & I freelanced so much this year that I'm my taxes will likely wipe out a massive chunk of my savings. I'm trying to make better everyday choices, but I continue to never get it quite right. I recently read The Financial Diet, which inspired me but also made me feel worse; how am I 34 & still sucking at all this?Am I ever going to get this right?

In the vein of feeling bad about myself, I'm the biggest/heaviest I've ever been, despite the fact that I've been working out more - & more consistently - than ever before in my life. COME ON, body.I know, in theory, that I'll only see actual results if I start eating better & probably doing some sort of cross-training, but, well, it just feels bad. And it feels incredibly discouraging, which makes me not want to ride anymore, which is absolutely not the right decision.

Oh, & my house is a mess, too. Mike & I rent a duplex, in part because we know we wouldn't be able to keep up, right now, with owning a whole house - but that makes me feel kind of inept sometimes. The floors are always dirty, the sink is always full, & I've always got four loads of laundry do. A clean home brings me mental peace when everything else is crazed, but I can't ever seem to get to the place clean. (And I'd hire cleaners again, except for that whole money business!)

God, this doesn't even touch on the politics of the world right now & how all of that feels... I can't even begin to get into that.

In other words, things have been feeling kind of tough lately. I'm having a hard time, even though I know it won't be forever. I know I am fortunate & privileged & overall, doing just fine, but I've been feeling, well, off. I feel sad & discouraged & overwhelmed & tired & just never good enough. I want to be better than I am at... well, at everything, really. At time management, at self-care, at health, at cleanliness, at finances, at cooking, at... the list goes on.

OK, I'm getting carried away. I am, all things considered, a perfectly good & high-functioning adult - but sometimes it's difficult to give myself that credit, especially when I see so many ways I could be doing better. Right now, I'm just I'm trying my hardest not to retreat into a sad winter hole, a.k.a. my bed.

How do you make it through the downswings? What do you do when you're feeling bad about yourself &... you know, everything else?

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It's OK To Be Honest about Taking a Mental Health Day

It's OK To Be Honest about Taking a Mental Health Day

Tuesday, June 12, 2018

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I wasn't a devoted fan of either Kate Spade or Anthony Bourdain. Sure, I have a few Kate Spade bags I love, & I'd seen Bourdain as a guest on the many cooking shows I've obsessed over throughout the years, but I can't claim to have been a devotee of either of them. Still, when their suicides made headlines last week, I found myself deeply affected by the news & by the subsequent conversations their deaths inspired online.

Last Friday, the first thing I read when I woke up in the morning was a text from my friend Sammi that said, "I'm having a hard time with the news of Anthony Bourdain." As I read through the headlines, I found myself retreating into my own head. I was shocked - but I also went kind of numb. I had no reaction whatsoever.

All I wanted was to go back to sleep. So I did. 

I sent an email to my boss saying I needed to take a sick day... & then I slept until 3pm. Yeah, I know, that's a lot of sleep, but I guess I needed it, emotionally and/or physically. I just felt like I couldn’t face the day, you know? I needed to turn my brain off.

When I woke up in the middle of the afternoon, I felt much, much better. Sleeping is, of course, not always the healthiest way to address serious emotions, but in this case, it was really helpful to be able to rest, rejuvenate, & try to face the (rest of the) day with a little bit of added strength.

Upon waking, I showered & got dressed (because nobody ever crawled out of a dark hole with tangled, unwashed hair), then caught up on a little bit of work & invited my mom up for a quick visit. Mike was out of town, so my mom & I had a little mother/daughter date night: dinner & drinks at Bourbon Street Barrel Room, some shopping at Banyan Tree, and exploring the neighborhood during Walkabout Tremont. When she left, I watched UnREAL, caught up on some blogging, & went to bed early.

In short, the day was exactly what I needed to replenish, refill, & refresh.

Now, normally, if I took a sick day from work, I wouldn't do anything in the evening. That was the rule when I was a kid - "If you're too sick to go to school, you're too sick to do anything after school" - & I've held fast to it in adulthood. Even if I feel better by nightfall, I'm not going to share photos of a night out on the town after I've taken a sick day. After all, my boss follows me on Instagram!

But this felt a little bit different.

Even though I hadn't said so in my initial email to my boss, I did post to Instagram that I had taken a sick day. I shared some words about being a suicide survivor, about the importance of therapy, medication, & time to heal. I encouraged others to take the time they needed, if they were able - to take care of themselves however they saw fit. For me, that meant staying home from work & indulging in some things I love & enjoy, as a means of healing.

While it may not have felt quite right to say, in my email to my boss, "I'm taking a sick day because my heart is sad, & my brain hurts, & I need to sleep for five more hours before I feel OK," I wasn't ashamed for her to know that, nor was I embarrassed to say so online afterward. And in this case, the things that I did later in the day - you know, after I'd slept for a billion hours - were low-key, self-care actions that helped me feel better overall. They were part of the medicine I needed.

Mental health is real; mental health is health. And taking control of your health is not embarrassing.

If you need space, whether it's during a period of jarring news headlines or just an overwhelming time in your own life, I hope you find a way to take it, whether it means cashing in one of your sick days or canceling your weekend plans.

Get off the Internet. Spend time in nature. Read a book. Or just enjoy the peace & quiet. You don’t have to listen to me or the news or people on Twitter talking suicide - even the supportive ones.

Do what you need to do to be OK, today & always. Be kind to yourself, & listen to what your soul needs from you.

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How Do You Hygge?

How Do You Hygge?

Friday, January 12, 2018

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The concept of hygge has been all the rage for a couple winters now, but this is the first of those winters that has been truly, miserably, brutally cold here in Cleveland. We got lucky with a couple surprisingly mild winters, but this one is here with a vengeance.

Local blog She in the CLE recently published "5 Tips to Enjoy Winter with More Hygge," written by Shibani of Bombay Taxi, which shares ideas for indulging in the Danish concept of "the feeling of coziness and specialness." The Danes, of course, are used to dealing with the cold - though I just learned that the average winter temperature is 32° F, which seems practically balmy right now given Cleveland's recent lows of 0° F.

Tapping into those hygge tips, here's how I'm surviving the CLE cold.

Turning on a "happy light" to keep the S.A.D. away.

After asking social media for recommendations, I finally bought a delightful piece of technology called a VeriLux HappyLight, purchased with an Amazon gift card I got for the holidays. What a good investment! It provides 7500 Lux UV of blocked bright-white light therapy, & while I don't really know what the hell that means, this gadget does keep our apartment feeling brighter, warmer, & far less dreary.

Displaying a beautiful flower arrangement from Silk Plants Direct.

Hygge rules say to decorate your home with plants, but I do not have a green thumb - like, not even close. My grandmother & my mother got great gardening genes, but alas, they seem to have skipped me, & I have no interest in trying to keep real plants alive (or away from my cats). Instead, I ordered the gorgeous peony/rose/hydrangea arrangement you see above from Silk Plants Direct's huge variety. I'm not one for big, bold colors, so when they reached out, I chose something subtle but cheerful that would keep me feeling the glow of spring even in the middle of a freezing-cold winter. I think this beautiful bouquet is doing the trip. (You can get 10% off an arrangement from the site with code BLOGGER10.)

Cozying up under lots of warm blankets.

A few years ago, I used my tax return (the only one I've ever gotten; I always owe!) to purchase this soft faux fur blanket in "platinum frost fox" - but I like to call it my direwolf blanket. Mike has all but claimed it, so we fight over it in cold weather. Time to order another? This summer, I bought a beautiful handwoven Peruvian blanket from Kukuli Market, a Cleveland small biz. It's not cozy, necessarily, but it's very heavy & warm, so when I lie beneath it, it's sort of like one of those gravity blankets designed for people with sensory disorders. It's very soothing - & that is very cozy.

Lighting candles, candles, candles.

Isn't there something about having a bunch of candles lit that makes you feel like your living in The Burrow from Harry Potter? I recently determined that I'm allergic to many - most? - candles, but I've yet to determine which ones or why, exactly. In the meantime, I'm sticking to the one candle I own that seems not to stoke my allergies, & I've ordered it in bulk. It's Yankee Candle's Berry Trifle scent, & it smells like living inside of a warm pie.

Warming up in front of a fake fireplace

This was a hand-me-down from my mom, who has a real fireplace in her family room but bought this fake one to warm her living room. The warming function is broken, so it no longer serves as a space heater, but it sure does look cozy. We've set it up to serve as a placebo in the hopes that it will make us feel warmer than we actually are.

How are you making it through the cold weather? 

Thanks to Silk Flowers Direct for sponsoring this post. I was gifted a flower arrangement of my choosing in exchange for a "neutral blog post." As always, all opinions & views are my own.

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Let's Talk About the Most Infuriating Book I've Ever Read

Let's Talk About the Most Infuriating Book I've Ever Read

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

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I've always liked to stay current on pop culture. OK, I didn't listen to "Despacito" for, like, three weeks after it first came out, & I haven't gone to the movies in about a year, but, uh... I try. Even if I don't see or listen to something myself, I try to read up on it so that I at least know what's going on, conversationally.

When everyone started obsessing over the new Netflix show 13 Reasons Why, based on Jay Asher's YA novel of the same name, my first instinct was to binge-watch it with the rest of the world. Every time I logged into Netflix, there it was, flashing across the top of the screen, waiting to be watched.

In the past, I would've done it. I would've put myself through an agonizing binge, knowing it was going to tear me apart & then suffering the emotional consequences anyway. I would've watched it just so I could say I had.

But I didn't. 

One nice thing about growing older is knowing yourself a little bit better - & in this case, I knew I was better off not watching 13 Reasons Why. I asked two close friends, just to be sure, & both confirmed that if I wanted to get in on the cultural zeitgeist, I should read the book instead. Less painful, they said. Better executed, they said.

I finished the book this week, & let me tell you: If that was the less painful, better executed version of 13 Reasons Why, I am so freaking glad I didn't try the TV show.

Put plainly, 13 Reasons Why is dangerously irresponsible. It makes a mockery of suicide & puts teens at emotional risk. It's meant to show that our actions, no matter how small, can have deep impact on those around us, but the message I see in it is very different. And much more sinister.

13 Reasons Why teaches teens that if someone they know commits suicide, it might be their fault. Do you know what a dangerous idea that is? What a horrifying accusation that is? 

Maybe you don't. But I do.

I know because I spent a decade of my life trying to convince myself that someone else's suicide was not my fault. That I didn't drive my ex-boyfriend, in some way large or small, to hang himself in his garage. That furthering my own story didn't put an end to his. Quite simply, that I didn't kill someone just by being a misguided, mistake-riddled teenager myself.

Unless you've lived it, you probably can't understand what that feels like. You probably can't conceive of the guilt & pain & self-loathing that comes with wracking your brain for every single interaction you ever had with someone & all its possible effects - wondering whether those acts drove someone to end their life. Especially when you were young & already full of pain & self-loathing yourself. That is a lifetime of baggage & torment. 

In 13 Reasons Why, 13 high schoolers receive a set of cassette tapes that contain voice recordings by Hannah Baker, a fellow student who overdosed on painkillers. Before ending her life, Hannah recorded these tapes to tell 13 individuals how they contributed to her suicide. Some of their infractions are huge - one is a peeping Tom, another the accomplice to a rape. There's no denying that some of these people have committed massive, life-changing, & perhaps unforgivable sins.

But the others? For the most part, they're just normal goddamn teenagers who hurt Hannah by, say, not really wanting to be her friend anymore. By putting her name on an undesirable superlatives list. But grabbing her butt once. By asking her for a ride to a party without really wanting to hang out with her. Hannah doesn't seem to be depressed; she seems vindictive & angry, sharing these stories as a means of perpetual emotional torment of those who hurt her - many of them unknowingly.

One of the girls Hannah accuses of contributing to her suicide is a girl whose rape she witnessed while hiding, drunk, in a closet at a party. Can you imagine the cruelty of telling someone they drove you to suicide by slapping you in the face once... when you could've stopped their rape, but didn't? Those are some seriously unequal actions - & that is some serious bullying, even in the afterlife.

And that, for me, is the crux of it: 13 Reasons Why represents a massive act of bullying & emotional manipulation. To accuse someone of killing you is, truly, the ultimate cruelty. That person can never apologize; they have to live with what they've been accused of for the rest of their lives. 13 Reasons Why tells teens that if they hurt someone, willfully or otherwise, & then that someone commits suicide, it is their fault. And that is patently not OK - nor is it true.

When someone chooses to end their own life, that's exactly the key: They choose it. 

Plenty of us - all of us, I'd wager to say - have been hurt by other people. Maybe we've been hurt to the point of agony, thought we'd never recover from it, that we might never feel OK again. And yet, most of us make the choice to push forward, to keep living - & in time, we learn to live with the pain we've experienced. 

In doing so, we begin to understand other people better. We begin to understand human nature, to see that we are more than what has happened to us & that, conversely, other people are more than what they've done to us. Imagine if something stupid you did as a 16-year-old turned out to be something you had to live with forever - if it was something that was said to have killed someone. 

I have never been as angry while reading a book as I was while reading 13 Reasons Why. For the life of me, I cannot understand how anyone read this book or watched this show & saw anything except what I did. How could anyone think this story line was justified? How could this book make it to print, much less to its own hit TV show? How is this show anything but dangerous & damaging?

I know, I know. In choosing not to read this book until well after the hype surrounding the show had died down, my "hot take" is actually a pretty cold one since the show isn't a topic of conversation anymore. But you know what's always an important topic of conversation? Mental health. Suicide awareness & prevention. Depression. Bullying. All of this.

This book is trash. Period. It never should've been published. It does not deserve the attention & adoration its received in the media. It should not be on the air (errr, Netflix). It should be held up as a shining example of exactly how not to treat suicide.

Now you're probably going to want to read it, right? Don't say I didn't warn you. But seriously - if you want a great teen TV show, go watch Riverdale instead, or read literally any other book. Because this one is not worth the ink used to print it.

If you're struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or chat with them online. They're available 24 hours a day, every day.

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5 Things to Do for Yourself the Day After Traumatizing Election Results

5 Things to Do for Yourself the Day After Traumatizing Election Results

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

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Like so many Americans, I woke up this morning hoping it was all a dream - a nightmare, really. I slept restlessly, & I woke up with a jaw sore from clenching in stress. I've yet to eat today. Truly, the only way to explain it is that I feel consumed with grief, with trauma.

I posted this on Facebook earlier & thought it might be worth sharing here, as well, while so many of us are struggling. I've already heard from friends whose workplaces have brought in counselors to deal with the stress & fear of the future, & I find myself wishing I had similar access.

I made this short list of things to do for yourself today - things I'm doing for myself today - & I hope that it will, in some small way, help bring you any comfort. Today is so difficult - & the days to come will be worse, I suspect. But we are not alone.

1. Turn off social media. Turn on music, soothing white noise, or a beloved favorite movie.
2. Pet a cat. Or a dog. Or hold a baby. Basically, make contact with anything that is soft & physically comforting.
3. Seek out wisdom & guidance from a rabbi or a pastor or an imam or a therapist or all of the above.
4. Do something - anything - that brings you happiness, so long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. Eat your favorite food or light a scented candle or do yoga or take a nap or write out all your damn feelings.
5. Above all: Be kind to yourself & to one another.

As scared as I am for our world, I am also terrified by all the language I've seen about suicide, about self-harm, about utter despondency. And as much as I understand - because truly, I do - I want you to know that however you are feeling today, tomorrow, & come January, you are not alone in it. If you need help, please seek it out, & if you see someone in need, please take their pain seriously. You can call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 or the Trevor Project at 1-866-488-7386.

In this frightening & unpredictable time, please take care of yourselves & of each other. We are still, after all, stronger together.

I love you.

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Autumn is My Sad Season

Autumn is My Sad Season

Sunday, October 23, 2016

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"When autumn comes, it doesn't ask. It just walks in where it left you last..." -John Mayer, "Something's Missing"

I've been feeling a little sad lately. I haven't had a lot to write about, because who wants to read about me being inexplicably sad? But I try to be honest in this space, & I'm a big proponent of that therapist-beloved reassurance that "All feelings are valid!" so here's a short screed on random sadness.

Disclaimer: Nothing is wrong. My life is lovely, & I just got engaged to my best friend. But autumn always gets me down in ways I can't explain. Maybe it's the nostalgia, or maybe it's just the chill in the air, but the combination always knocks me out a little bit. Here are a few of the things getting me down:

• I've been sleeping too much. Yes, this is the opposite of the problem I was having early this year, when I couldn't sleep at all. Now, it's not uncommon for me to sleep until 2pm on a weekend day, which is fine when you're 16, but not when you're 32. I am always exhausted, & I think I need to go back to my doctor & reassess.
    
• Wedding planning is stressful. I've barely even done any wedding planning yet, & I'm already in the throes of despair about it. This shit is really hard. I've started reaching out to venues, but we haven't locked anything down yet, & I sort of feel like we never will. That's ridiculous, I know, but that's how stressed it has me.
   
• I'm trying to get healthy. Recognizing that I've nearly re-reached my peak weight (ack), I've started to try to eat better - a salad a day, no bread during the week. It's going OK, but I'm always on high alert about what I'm eating, whether I'm "allowed" to be eating it, & how to do better while not giving up pizza forever. It's exhausting... with very slow results.
    
• Election season is terrible. I'm going to the polls tomorrow to take advantage of Ohio's early voting opportunities, & as thrilled as I am to cast my ballot for Hillary Clinton, I'm also just... terrified. Even though I do, finally, believe Trump will lose, all this election season rhetoric has me in a constant state of nervousness, worried about the world & what's to come. The Washington Post confirms that I'm not alone.
     
• I'm afraid no one likes me. Bear with me here. I know this isn't true, but it's my weird & perpetual number-one concern, this insistence in the back of my mind that everyone I know actually kind of hates me. It's always worse after a night of drinking, so today, I woke up with a feelings hangover, the false but persistent refrain that all my friendships are fake. This time, the New York Times confirms it.
     
• I'm having some financial issues. When it rains, it pours, especially when it comes to money. Recently, my health insurance decided not to cover a bunch of standard tests, so the lab says I owe them $900ish. 1-800-CONTACTS insists that I owe them $107 from a past order that my credit card bill shows that I paid. I'm also planning a wedding & going to Peru next month, neither of which is cheap, & my wallet is feeling the pressure.
    
• The Indians are going to the World Series. This one is actually great, & I'm really excited about it. But just like when the Cavs went to the playoffs, it means a week of nonstop socialization, drinking, & worry, all of which go hand in hand with my ever-present anxiety.

Like I said: Everything is fine, truly. Nothing is majorly wrong. I am OK. I know that. But all these low-level concerns mean that I'm constantly abuzz with some sort of nervousness, & that's, frankly, pretty exhausting (which might be why I'm sleeping so much).

I'm trying to take it easy & to remember my late friend Marcus's advice about worrying. I increased the dosage of my anxiety medicine & have been reading a lot during my free time to try to keep my mind calm; I even started journaling again, & I'm listening to a lot of John Mayer. But sometimes life just feels like a little bit too much, you know?

I hope fall's treating you well, friends. If you have any advice for kicking the unnecessary autumn blues, I'd love to hear it - & if you just want to tell me what's got you down, hey, I'd love to hear that, too. Keep on keepin' on..

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