I Hoped for Better in November

Friday, November 13, 2009

I'm just too tired to post. I spent five days in Toronto, & then I spent at least 28 hours asleep (over the course of 48) recovering. I'm emotionally exhausted & absolutely lacking in the creative energy needed to write or be the slightest bit amusing or interesting.

But it's autumn, & autumn is Dave season. You remember my talking about him, right? So I have a guest post, if you will, one from his Xanga site from October 23, 2004 - five years ago, a month & change before he turned 20.

It hurts to read now, but the words fit well. It's a pretty overdramatic statement - that was his thing - but hey, I'm too underdramatic right now to write anything. And it does say he wants to be quoted... so I'm happy to oblige.

"I just want something beautiful to happen here right now" -- The Gloria Record

I should probably preface this by saying that I'm not in a sober mindset right now. Anything that I might and will say should not be taken too seriously.
It just seems so dishonest and wrong that things are this way. I feel like I have so much love to give, this river of affection pouring from my chest that has nowhere to go. There has to be somewhere to put this endless sea of affection. Some girl to direct it towards, who would never starve for attention. I have all this love to give, but it always ends up swirling down the drain because there is no place to put it.
Isn't there a girl out there who wants to be admired, pampered, fawned over, respected, and showered with affection in a way that would make gods jealous? Don't get me wrong, I'm not in any way feeling sorry for myself, but I just feel like I've got all this love to give and no one to give it to. I could love and I could give more than anyone you've ever seen, but what's the point if it just goes out in waves into the vacant airspace and never finds its destination. Goddamnit, I want to give of myself in ways I've never seen anyone even attempt. My heart is wide open and pleading for company, wanting only to give everything that I have never recieved.
Everything in my life that has been worth figuring out is another chance to share something no one seems to care to know. There is so much beauty out there that I want someone else to see with me, I just want to share everything that makes me happy to wake each day. Being this happy and keeping it to myself just seems selfish. I want to share it. I want to pass it on. I want to show someone all these things that took so long to figure out, that tore at my soul in a way I couldn't ignore. I want to be happy in a context that isn't singular and encompasses everything and everyone who deserves to realize that what they want so bad has been there all along. That sacrifice and pain and trial and failure are not the keys to success. That success is how far you've come, not where you are. I want to say something significant. I want to be quoted. I want everyone to feel the satisfaction and contentment that they long for so completely.
I want ....


  1. Thank you. I needed to read this right now and the one you wrote in February. It has hit me so close and brought me back to a memory....Strange how this worked out so that I was able to read this at this exact moment in my life.


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