TMI Thursday: Worst Date Ever. Beat This.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

I met Tucker* sometime in elementary school & then not again until college. We had a few friends in common & hit it off pretty quickly, though none of my close friends were among his biggest fans. He is, how you sayyy, brusque, which is actually just a kind synonym for “often douchey.” Somehow, though, his abrasive personality rarely affected me, & I even found/find it endearing. (Insert "Sucker!" here.)

My senior year of college, Tucker & I made plans to go on a date of sorts. I say “of sort
s” because it was relatively unclear whether we were going on an actual date, for whatever reason. I drove because I lived furthest from the Lovedrug show we were headed to.

When I pulled up, Tucker was already bordering on wildly intoxicated. He’d done a few shots prior to my arrival to “calm [his] nerves,” as though the kid gets nervous to begin with. Because I already knew
him, I laughed it off. But when we arrived at the bar, Tucker bought me a drink (let’s assume it was a Miller Lite, because that’s all I really consume) & he bought himself two– a beer & an Irish car bomb. As he slammed the latter & started in on the former, I began to question my decision to participate in the date but soldiered on nonetheless.

Cut to an hour later, when Tucker & I kiss in the bar. And then when he turns away to puke on the bar floor. And then when he tells me he’s already thrown up in the bathroom. And then when he leaves to throw up some more. And then when he returns from the restroom & tries to kiss me again. Um, no, thanks. Also, did I mention that my ex-boyfriend showed up at the concert, too? The best way to feel that you’re above your ex is, I’d imagine, to watch her publicly struggle with a drunken, vomitous date.

Beyond frustrated, I play the role of good babysitter date & load Tucker into my car & head toward Eat ‘n’ Park, every Northeast Ohioan’s (least) favorite 24-hour joint. On the ride there, Tucker refuses to speak in anything other than a very authentic Borat accent, at one point exclaiming that he’s so embarrassed by his behavior that “I’m nevvvver going to talk to you evvvver again.” Trust me, Borat is not endearing post-upchuck. Or ever, really.

Inside the restaurant, I get up from our booth to check out the midnight buffet, trying to identify the best food to feed to a drunken Kazakhstani wannabe. When I return to the table, Tucker is passed out. Cold. Apologizing profusely to our understandably bewildered but bewilderingly understanding waitress, I drag Tucker back to my car & make my way home. As he stumbles out of my vehicle & into his parents’ house, he stops only once – to vomit all over the front porch. My tires squeal so loudly on the way out that I can’t believe I didn’t scare him sober. But actually, considering his level of intoxication, I guess I can.

Did I forget to mention that I’m attending a wedding in Ohio this weekend? I’m pretty jazzed to go as a friend’s date to his brother’s boss’ nuptials on Put-In-Bay Island.

Did I forget to mention that the friend who’s taking me is Tucker?

Bad dates somehow make for good, lasting friendships. Or else I’m just reeeeeally forgiving…

*Bonus points if you can catch the implied reference on his pseudonym.


  1. Don't let him
    Funny story!

  2. Haha that was amazing! Be careful dear and have fun! Hey, you're not going to marry him, so you might as well just enjoy it ;)

  3. Was he wearing shorts on the date, too?

  4. I can almost respect a man who can still try to close after vomiting. That is dedication to the cause.

  5. You two have probably established that it's never going there so I take it he needs some pretty arm candy and somebody to take care of him when he does get drunk. Good choice for pretty arm candy.

    Let's hope you don't have to play babysitter.

  6. Borat is not endearing; especially when the voice making it smells like whatever he had to eat and drink that night.

  7. *Tucker, as in Max?

    And shame on you for saying Borat isn't endearing! You'd totally let him put it in the vagine.

  8. I would suggest watching his alcohol intake at the wedding hahaha. Funny story...hope you have a good time :)

  9. Don't hate on my boyfriend! (Borat)

    Since you guys went through that disaster, I think the wedding should be fine.

    Just um...have a backup dress.

  10. What, a coupla bouts of vomit ban mr. hottie from your vajheen?

    I like how he announces it, so eager to share in all the intimacies he might otherwise only tell his dr.

  11. This guy sounds like a douche. You should go out on a date with me sometime cause I would never treat you that way =P

    Oh yeah it was five Jager bombs that the guy pre-gamed on. The first thing he bought at the bar was a 24 oz beer that was 10% alcohol and he bought a depth charge to put in the beer (Jack Daniel's) and chug the combination in front of all the onlookers who were thinking "who is this guy and wow i feel bad for his date".

    Also your date yelled "50 cent" at Lovedrug when they were trying to talk. Your date also went to find some girl that was trying to meet him only to be shot down cause a drunkard had nothing on Lovedrug.

    You going to write a story about your infamous night in Kent :O

  12. I was wondering if it was Tucker Max also!

  13. that'd be tucker max. and you can't fool me because i know your date's true identity. :)

  14. i read this three times before i finally appreciated the true cleverness, "our understandably bewildered but bewilderingly understanding waitress"

    and puke and rally and kiss is the TRUEST art form of puke and rally.

  15. Ha! I knew it was Tucker Max! Totally sounds like him...

  16. that's totally awesome. and awful. heh.

    my worst date story is the one that went HORRIBLY for a variety of reasons, and at the end of 2 entire dates with no touching between us - much less kissing or anything at all flirty - when i wouldn't move the date to someplace more "intimate", he suggested we just get a nearby motel room.


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