Worshipping False Idols

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

I live-blogged tonight's American Idol results show, which I realize is unrelated to either Ohio or the District but is entirely related to the ways in which I unwind & entertain myself. Oh, & the ways that I keep my "being judgmental" skills sharp:
  • Paula calls Idol “the world’s greatest platform.” Paula’s also wearing three inches of purple eyeshadow, so her opinions don’t hold much weight.
  • Simon says Anoop, Matt and Megan are in trouble. Anoop looks appropriately nervous; Megan smiles & waves like an oblivious Old Navy mannequin.
  • This week’s Ford commercial features Kris and Matt rapping. And a lot of Adam’s eyeliner.
  • I wonder if the Idol medley-makers will be relieved when Scott is kicked off so they can quit doing medleys that involve keyboard riffs and instead do ones that involve actual choreography.
  • Last night, the judges issued desperate pleas to Allison Iraheta to stop looking like a suicidal streetwalker and instead start resembling an average American teenager. Her stylists, it seems, have chosen to completely ignore those appeals, so she again looks like a hot mess of a Hot Topic billboard.
  • I have just stopped believing. Sorry, Journey.
  • Ryan says someone has to “sing for their life” tonight, which doesn’t feel dramatic at all. Singing is the new waterboarding.
  • Adam just mentioned The Fresh Prince of Bellaire, which aired before Allison Iraheta was born.
  • If Megan Joy Corkrey isn’t kicked off tonight, I promise to stab my eardrums out before next week’s show.
  • Lil Rounds is wearing half a ‘90s prom dress: a white Polyester top trimmed in sequins atop white pants. She looks like a Vegas snowman.
  • David Cook’s performance can only be described as whatever the opposite of “climactic” is. And while you’re looking up your antonyms, tells me what the opposite of “in tune” is, too.
  • Megan Joy (sorry, didn’t realize she’d dropped her last name…) is in the bottom three. There’s hope for my eardrums yet.
  • I refuse to comment on Megan Joy’s flapping/cawing combination walk.
  • Scott & Anoop await their fates: Battle of the minorities!
  • Brown kid loses. No part of me looks forward to watching Scott – or his new “Teen Wolf” hair – perform again next week.
  • I love Lady GaGa, but tonight she’s apparently stolen her outfit from a circus trapeze artist & her wig from Britney’s baldness days. But even her fashion disasters can’t distract from her vocal disaster – she sounds like a little bit like Adele, but underwater & on ecstasy.
  • For the love of God, please bring back David Cook.
  • Cut. Alison Iraheta is not clapping for Lady Gaga. For once, I’m agreeing with her judgment.
  • I still think it’s vicious that Idol makes the losers sing the song they’re kicked off with. Some swan song.
  • Megan Joy Corkrey, my eardrums thank you for your departure. Caw, caw!


  1. Ahhhh hahahhaahah you kicked my ass all over the place with the live-blogging!! (And I'm glad to know that there's someone who who agrees with me on many of these things. . .)

  2. some of this stuff really had me shaking my head in agreement! you're hilarious ;)


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