"No Thank You" to...

Monday, July 23, 2018


No thank you to restaurants that are closed on Mondays & bars that stop serving food way earlier than any drunk people get hungry. No thank you to places that don't have their menus online or are located nearby but don't deliver on Grubhub. No thank you to Uber Eats' outrageous delivery surcharges that once tricked me into paying $40 for a pizza.

No thank you to IPAs & porters & stouts & rum & tequila & gin. No thank you to iced tea. No thank you to decaffeinated coffee or ever trying to cut back on my caffeine intake even though it's healthy & I'd sleep better & whatever, whatever, leave me alone about it.

No thank you to wet tacos from Barrio & soggy pizza from Citizen Pie. No thank you to ketchup, mustard, & ranch dressing. No thank you to meat on bones & maybe to meat in general (I haven't decided yet). No thank you to cooked carrots, raw cauliflower, & eggplant in any form.

No thank you to $400,000 condos in shitty parts of Cleveland that look like they're made out of shipping containers. No thank you to buying a house & having to spend my weekend cleaning gutters & grouting bathrooms & mowing lawns & all that other stuff that's currently included in my rent. No thank you to owning a dog or to conversations about mortgages & furnaces & renovations.

No thank you to Mad Men, Breaking Bad, & other shows I'm "supposed" to like but don't. No thank you to anyone who tries to make me feel guilty for loving The Bachelor & Grey's Anatomy. No thank you to paying for cable, but really, who does that anymore?

No thank you to spending time looking for cool new music when I could be listening to 2003 emo. No thank you to Taylor Swift's newest album & to the insistence that I should love Beyoncé as much as the rest of the world does. No thank you to all country music forever.

No thank you to gyms & trainers that focus on yelling, shaming, or otherwise making me feel like I need to be better than I am or work harder than I'm already trying. No thank you to "before & after" photos, to social media ads targeted at "losing flab fast," & to the Internet troll who called me a "fat fuck" last week. No thank you to ever being without Harness Cycle again, weight loss or not.

No thank you to toxic friendships based on guilt & perpetual apologies & always wondering if the other person is mad at you again. No thank you to adult women who still insist upon exclusionary cliquishness. No thank you to competition about collaboration & to making others feel like they need to keep up with the Joneses when the Joneses are secretly flailing, too.

No thank you to my $120-a-month AT&T bill or to not being allowed to buy a new iPhone outright (see you soon, Cricket Wireless). No thank you to getting a Nordstrom card just so I have early access to a sale intended to sell me a bunch of shit I don't need. No thank you sharing my budget or my expenses with the Internet.

No thank you to Donald Trump, or to people who are too politically apathetic to mind his presidency. No thank you to people who think being pro-Palestinian requires them to also be anti-Zionist/anti-Semitic. No thank you to people who claim their right to free speech is being infringed upon any time they get crap for voicing aloud a stupid, offensive view.

No thank you to people who drive super-fast in my residential neighborhood or to the folks who block my driveway while they're picking up food across the street. No thank you to watching videos or listening to music in public without headphones. No thank you to smokers.

No thank you to cruise ships or camping or vacations in Paris. No thank you to the elitist view (which no one ever says aloud) that international travel is inherently more meaningful than domestic travel. No thank you to traveling to foreign countries & not giving a damn about the local culture or language.

No thank you to white women using the term "spirit animal" & insisting on using darker-than-their-skin-color emojis, probably out of white guilt. No thank you to people who still say "retarded" without shame. No thank you to phrases like "Your vibe attracts your tribe," even though I believe in the sentiment.

No thank you to pretending to like anything I don't like.

So many no thank yous. What about you? 

The idea for this post came from this Instagram post from The Upspeak Collective.

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