Wait, Since When are Bed Sheets Controversial?

Friday, March 30, 2018

I am a fan of bedding. I like lying on it, I like sleeping in it, I like picking it out & choosing the softest & nicest versions of things... I don't make my bed every day, sure, but I have a comfy, cozy bed that is, truth be told, one of my favorite places to be.

I recently learned that millennials are killing the top sheet.

Wait, wait, what's that you say? You're not familiar with the term "top sheet"? Neither was I, until I read this USA Today article shared by my Internet friend Sara, titled "After Millennials 'killed' chain restaurants and bras, will this controversial piece of bedding be next?"


First of all, we only killed Red Lobster, not all restaurants (& even that one is still doing fine, just among a different demographic). Second of all, I own quite a lot of bras. How did millennials kill bras? What are we even talking about here?!

But I disgress. Right now we're talking about the apparently controversial "top sheet."

Until reading this article & engaging in a subsequent conversation about it on Twitter, I had no idea that it was, like, a thing that so many people actively loathe the "top sheet," also known as "the bed sheet that goes on top of your bottom." (I didn't know this was an official term, but then again, I called the bottom sheet "the connecty sheet" until I was, like, 30, so.)

OK, look, that tweet was a bit dramatic. I don't actually care how anyone else chooses to sleep. I am just, in a word, shook. I had no idea people actually preferred to sleep sans top sheet. To me, it has always been just...how you make a bed. It never occurred to be that people didn't do this.

USA Today reports that the cons of a top sheet are:
  1. The sheet gets bunched up at night. 
  2. It adds extra work. 
To these specious claims, I say:
  1. What sort of sleepers are out there getting stuck in a goddamn sheet? You need a sleep test. Or a Xanax. Calm down. 
  2. Conditioning my hair adds "extra work" to my showers, but it's just, like, part of the process. Same is true of the top sheet, which takes all of one extra minute to put on the bed. We millennials are not so lazy that that should count as "extra work." 
And finally, here are just a few reasons I demand a top sheet while sleeping:
  1. When it gets hot, I still want something covering me. Enter the top sheet!
  2. I like to sleep with weight atop me, & the top sheet is the first of multiple layers.
  3. I like the feeling of sleeping between matches pieces of fabric. It's a cocoon! I don't want my body all... rubbin' up against my duvet. That's weird. The duvet is like that one famcy dining room in your grandparents house: It's there for looks, but you don't, like, engage with it.
  4. It's just part of the sheets. It's supposed to be there. They're sold in a package! What am I gonna do, throw out half the sheets?! 
Again, I don't care how you sleep. To each her own. My husband, for example, throws off all our bedding & sleeps beneath a faux fur blanket lie he's George of the goddamn Jungle. But I just thought he was weird. I had no idea there was a whole movement out there to do away with "top sheets."

Listen, fellow millennials: I shall not be shamed. I can do without Red Lobster, but I'm keepin' my bras & my bedding. You can have my top sheet when you pry it out of my warm, cozy hands.

What's your bedding preference: top sheet or no top sheet? 

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