The Greatest Invention You've Never Heard Of

Sunday, April 22, 2012

I have a decent memory. 

Sometimes. Like, for some things. 

OK, in truth, my memory sucks. My friends & family often have to fill in the blanks for me or put events in chronological order for me. I have an uncanny ability to remember the specific, unimportant details of particular moments that have no real significance, but when it comes to the basics of my own life, I'm already 75. I cannot remember the last time I spoke to my dead ex-boyfriend or the bands I saw live in college or even what cities I visited while in Israel in February. 

A few years back, my friend Rachel & I invented something that will surely revolutionize the way the world works. Every once in awhile, I get really excited when I think about the fact that perhaps someday, this invention could actually, you know, be invented - by someone a lot smarter than me. That smart person can have all the credit, if he or she can really make it happen. I don't need the royalties; I just need my invention to actually exist someday.  

Bet you're intrigued, huh? Let me tell you more. Come closer! Too close, too close.

OK. You know how, if you don't know the answer to something, you can just Google it? And if you have a smartphone, how you can just Google it on the spot, while you stand there? You can be like, "Oh, that actresses face looks so familiar! Hey, IMDB, how do I know that actress's face?" & in just a few seconds, IMDB will tell you that actress's name is Riki Lindhome, & you know her face because she was on "Gilmore Girls" a really long time ago. Or whatever. That's just an example; you don't have to actually give a shit about Riki Lindhome to care about my invention.

You know what would be even more amazing than being able to comb the Internet's collective knowledge? Being able to comb your own brain for things you know or once knew to play upon your existing knowledge in those forgetful moments.

I know. You're totally blown away. I am, too. BUT THINK ABOUT IT. You see someone's face & know you've him somewhere, but you have no idea how. You scan his features & think about a few key search terms, like, "college?" or "friend hooked up with him?" & your brain does its thang, retrieving old info to let you know that you actually only know that guy because he used to be the regular barista at that coffee shop you stopped going to awhile back. 

It's for more than just facial recognition, though. Have a tune stuck in your head but no lyrics to go with it? Hum that tune to your own brain and it'll Shazaam your knowledge base, reminding you that it's a song you once sang at your high school Pops concert in 2001. Can't find your keys? Pull up a brain map back to the place you were when you last had them.

Rachel & I are geniuses, we know. We've named our invention Google BodyTop, a play on the existing Google Desktop, which scans your computer's desktop for documents & emails & such. Google BodyTop is the perfect computerized mental accessory for the forgetful among us, guaranteed to help you remember everything from historical dates to grammatical rules to the plot of "Pride & Prejudice" - and beyond.

Someday, guys. Someday. 

Wait, what were we talking about again...?

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