- "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" (from the movie)
Though you're too old for both of them, you like rhymes & cartoons (but hopefully not the version where Jim Carrey is green & furry). Despite your rhyming genius, you have a limited vocabulary, rhyming "nasty" with "wasty," & you likely believe that "arsenic sauce" is a spicier version of Tabasco.
- "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" (by Brenda Lee)
You are inventive & dancy, & you long to host boisterous holiday parties attended by cardboard cut-outs of Michael Jordan.
- "Blue Christmas" (by Elvis Presley)
You are depressing. No, seriously. I mean, maybe you also just really like classic rock, but, dude, this song is a bummer. My apologies to you & the King.
- "Frosty the Snowman" (by Gene Autry)
Slightly delusional, you're known for muttering to yourself & carrying on conversations with stray cats & trying to get Parson Brown to marry you before he melts. Errr, "while he's in town."
- "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" (by Elmo and Patsy)
You enjoy whoopee cushions & plastic poop &, look, I'm just going to give it to you straight: You're the relative everyone wishes they didn't have to invite to Christmas dinner.
- "Do They Know It's Christmas?" (by Band Aid)
You like to think of yourself as a big-hearted philanthropist, but face it: You are also religiously intolerant. This song is possibly the most ignorant display of multi-religious denominationalism on holiday rotation, masked by lyrics of hope & help. No, they don't know it's Christmas because they're not Christian.
- "Baby, It's Cold Outside" (by any duo ever)
"Say what's in this drink?" GHB. You assault women in your spare time, but only under the cover of poor weather conditions.
- "Carol of the Bells"(by people who hate me)
A Christmas purist, you may also be a cast member of Home Alone and/or a criminal. This song sounds like mayhem & evil & Manheim Steamroller & sometimes appears in my most dramatic of nightmares.
- "All I Want for Christmas Is You" (by Mariah Carey)
The other kind of Christmas purist, you are likely a former teenybopper now in your mid- to late-20s who feels strongly that Mariah Carey's Christmas classic is the reigning holiday pop song - heck, the only holiday pop song. Jessica Simpson who? If, however, your favorite is the newly released Mariah Carey-hitting-on-underage-Justin-Bieber version, there are two other options: A) You're 12, or B) You're a pervert.
- "Last Christmas" (by Wham!)
You're me.*
*ONLY THE WHAM VERSION COUNTS.
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