Foursquare Has Given Me a False Sense of Ego & Fame

I used to work at a city-owned gym, where the local mayor came in to get his elliptical on with regularity. The gym staff, of course, knew who the mayor was, particularly because he’s held the position practically since my birth. We were extra-nice to him & to his wife, laughing at their old people-esque jokes & handing them sweat towels & generally hoping they didn’t recommend we be fired.

I want the Woodley Park Starbucks employees to do the same for me. After all, I am their mayor.

Last week, upon my post-lunch pick-me-up arrival, my favorite barista, the tall guy who used to work at the Starbucks in my old neighborhood, asked, “The usual?” I practically fainted with joy. I’M A REGULAR! “One shot?” he asked, just in case it was a two-shot kind of day instead. I’M SUCH A REGULAR THAT THE DUDE EVEN CHECKS ON MY WELFARE. You can’t imagine my happiness. Or maybe you can.

Today, I went ahead & ordered my drink because I am a noble ruler who can walk among the little people & live like them (much like @CongJoeWilson). When I asked the barista for a bag to hold my sandwich, cashews & yogurt cup (there’s a shortage of restaurants in Woodley Park, OK?), she informed me that she’d have to charge me five cents for it. “It’s a DC thing,” she lamented cheerfully.

I am fully aware of this “DC thing.” Because I live in DC. And because I come to this Starbucks every day.

To add insult to injury, as she handed me my receipt, she stamped the back & asked, “Are you familiar with our Treat Receipts?” My heart skipped a beat, & not in a good way (is there a good way for that? I guess it’s more of a medical malady than a metaphor). I know all about Treat Receipts, which allow you to purchase any cold grande bev for just $2 after 2pm with an a.m. receipt. I know all about Treat Receipts because I use them as often as possible. And because I come to this Starbucks every day. Did I mention that?

I campaigned hard for my mayorship. I’ve worked in this neighborhood for a mere two months but my dedication to the district means that I have already visited this store 20 times in an attempt to oust the previous ruler, who was no doubt undeserving & unqualified to serve in this post. And 20 trips means at least $87 spent, which is an expensive campaign investment for a young professional like me.

In short, I demand more of my citizenry. I KNOW ABOUT YOUR BAG TAX! I KNOW ABOUT YOUR TREAT RECEIPTS! I HAVE "A USUAL"! Can't a ruler get a little respect?