Fear Factor (Or "My Encounter With the Most Cliche Phobia Ever")

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Last night marked a momentous but wildly unhappy occasion - my first cockroach.

While watching an episode of "Dawson's Creek" (fourth season, thankyouverymuch), something scurried out from underneath the chair in which I sat. Pointing, screaming & willing myself not to throw up, I stood by doing very, very little as my friend chased the little BIG bugger around my one-room apartment & finally did it in with one of my beloved Chuck Taylors, now hiding underneath the bookshelf where the roach tried to slip underneath:



A few notes:

  • Cockroaches are fast.
  • I am scared of cockroaches.
  • COCKROACHES ARE FAST.
I had no idea I was so terrified of the city's most hated pests, but there I was, hyperventilating like an asthmatic teenage track star, too frightened to even cry. There I was, even after the beast had been slayed & disposed of, jumping at imaginary movements seen from the corner of my eye. There I was, calling my mother in hysterics & rambling on & on about how I thought there were bugs in my bed & how I wanted to move, rent a hotel room, throw away my belongings so future (current?!) roaches wouldn't have anywhere to hide.

Today, I woke up with a heightened sense of fear but also with a renewed sense of feistiness. Observe! I bought this just in case of a recurrence:


It'll probably give me some rare cancer, so I'm gonna try not to use it unless I reach some sort of dire situation, though please cross your fingers against that. For day-to-day life, I purchased these instead:


So now these small chemical weapons are scattered throughout my minuscule apartment:


Listen, bugs - I'm fightin' back!

11 comments:

  1. i went to school down in williamsburg, and we had not only normal, huge, vile cockroaches, but also huge, vile, FLYING COCKROACHES, i shit you not. these things were like 3 inches long and an inch wide, and would mate in midair and it was horrifying in every possible way imaginable.

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  2. Just FYI - throwing a phone book works really really great for killing cockroaches - your aim doesn't have to be precise 'cause the phone book is so big, which also allows for the roach to run a bit and the book will still hit him. It's also heavy enough to squash the roach - and you can jump on said phone book a few times just in case.

    Besides, who uses their phone books ever anyway?

    Good luck!!!!

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  3. This is kinda why I don't wanna live in an apartment. I'm already pissed I have an ant problem- roaches would cause me to break out those chemical weapons so fast they would call me Chemical Ali (too soon?)

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  4. I had a few cockroaches in my last apartment, but I felt: "Hey, I got cats, they'll take care of them!" Except my cats were far too busy keeping pace with the roaches to kill and eat them.

    I did see a giant two-inch cockroach outside my building Tuesday night. As long as it stays outside, we can live together in harmony.

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  5. Remind to tell you about my war with mice, this past winter. Let me tell you, they are not nearly as cute in person as they are in Disney. I would take roaches over mice any day.

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  6. Ugh. I've had a giant roach FLY INTO MY HAND while I was sitting on someone's couch. Un. ac. ceptable.

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  7. THAT'S the spirit -- you go girl! @->--

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  8. The first night I was sitting on the stoop, I saw a bunch of roaches...A BUNCH...and freaked out. I hate cockroaches. Had to deal with them in my grandma's apartment in Turkey.

    My roomie told me that they don't come in the house but you bet your ass I freak out in the middle of the night when I hear phantom noises on the floor.

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  9. I am cringing just reading this! We had them at my old apartment a few years ago - ugh! Good luck, lol- I'm sorry you have to experience them!

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  10. Richard Gere feels guilty because he killed hundreds of cockroaches in NYC. Silly man. In my part of the world we eat them.

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  11. I can tell you from many years of apartment-dwelling that after a while, your fear will diminish. And all that will be left is murderous hate.

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