It's OK Not to Be OK (But It Still Sort of Sucks)

Friday, November 15, 2019

I have not been OK.

I mean, let me back up: I am functionally OK. I am safe, & I am fed & clothed & dry & for all intents & purposes, I am healthy. Yes, even mentally. I am OK on all the fronts that really matter, overall.

But I am not exactly OK, you know?

Life feels really hard right now.

This year has been busier than any other year of my life. To be honest, I don't know exactly why that is, but it is.

There are some big things: Mike & I are hoping to buy a house in 2020, which is already a lot of work even though we're nowhere near ready yet. I am still (always) dealing with my hypersomnia. My big work conference is next month.

I got a promotion this year. Did I even tell you that? I bet I didn't. But hey, I got a promotion, & while I'm exceptionally excited about it, it's all been very busy before it, presumably & hopefully, evens out & gets easier. I feel like I've been working double or triple duty for, like... many months now.

I've taken on more freelance work than ever, too - & while I love it, it's still work. A lot of it. It's hitting deadlines & scheduling interviews & transcribing recordings & attending events & going out to eat to review restaurants & did I mention staying up really late to hit deadlines?

I've also taken on some blog partnerships & have begun attending more "influencer" events than ever before. I love that, too; it's fun. There's a vibrant blogger/Instagrammer community here in Cleveland, & it's an honor to be a part of raising up this city in so many interesting & ongoing ways.

I've been traveling a lot, too. And that's fun, too. Seriously. But if I've counted correctly, I've been to 16 states in 2019 alone - some of them more than once. I've been gone so much. Like, I've barely been home. What is home? Who are my friends? Do I even have friends?

And that's the other thing: I've been so busy that I just haven't had time to see the people I love most. I mean, I have; a lot of the traveling I've done has been to see some of those very people. But the combo of traveling a lot & not seeing the at-home people has just felt like a lot. And there's been a lot of FOMO.

Can you have FOMO for, like... relaxing? I have a fear of missing out on relaxation & rejuvenation & taking care of my own freaking mental health. I try to make the time & effort for it anyway - always - but it's not ideal to feel like it's this much work just to try to make time for myself & slow the hell down &, like, breathe.

I feel so pressed for time, so much of the time. I feel like I am always letting people down & dropping the ball & doing too much & running up against deadlines & pushing my limits & feeling overloaded.

I miss sitting around reading books before bed. Sleeping in on Saturdays. Going to a movie by myself. Writing blog posts. Watching Harry Potter for the heck of it, working on collages. Vacuuming my damn living room. Writing in my journal. Making spontaneous plans with friends. Seeing my mom on the regular. Showering at normal times & not in a hurry.

Something's gotta give - & I know I have to make the effort to make it give. Because the thing that gives cannot be my own mental & emotional wellness.

What do you do when you feel like you're overloaded to the point of breaking?

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