The Internet is Teeming With Trash Clothing: A Collection of Beautiful Bodysuits

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

I've looking for a plain, black bodysuit, preferably one with sleeves, that's available in plus sizes. I've been looking hard for such a garment. I've scoured the depths of the Internet for such a garment. I found sound a garment! Thanks, Torrid! It looks like this:

Alas... it isn't available in my size. Womp, womp. "OK," I think to myself upon realizing it, "Surely a similar item is available on some other site."

You'd think, right? But you'd be wrong. I've yet to find a replica of that bodysuit, but I have found dozens & dozens of hideous & horrifying alternatives. In a bit of a throwback to the kinds of posts I published here in the days before Twitter allowed me to share it all with you in real-time, I thought I'd do a round-up of some of my (least) favorites.

Let's start with this one! Perhaps appropriately, this little number is from a brand called HOTAPE. So, uh, is that pronounced liked "hot-tape" or like "hoe-tape"? In fairness, the description describes it as a bathing suit, not a bodysuit, but also in fairness, this is terrible. It's only appropriate if you're trying to dress as a birdcage for Halloween, in which case, nailed it. (HOTAPE, $16.99)

Why did this come up in my search? This isn't solid black. In fact, this comes in 18 patterns, & I didn't even choose the most visually offensive one to share with you here. This is ideal if you've ever wanted to, like, live inside a Magic Eye book. You just can't get mad when bleary-eyed people lock their gaze upon your torso. They're just trying to see the 3D stuff! (Rokiney, $13.99-$16.99)

You know how men's boxers come with a hole at the crotch so they can pee more easily? Lucky ladies, now you can do the same! Unfortunately, in order to get in & out of this thing, you probably have to struggle like a dolphin caught in a tuna net, which is nowhere near as sexy as this brand is aspiring to be. (Deksias, $9.90)

But if you've ever just wanted to straight-up wear a tuna net without any pretenses, you can have this one instead - which, weirdly, costs more money than its frilly friend above. (Forever 21, $17.90)

If you've ever wanted to be a real-life Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas, this is the garment for you. Just don't wear it on days when you need to pass through a metal detector. (Forever 21, $17.90)

Sure, you know how to tie your shoes, but can you do it upside down & backwards? (ASOS, $42)

This model looks like she played dress-up in her ailing Mee-Maw's underwear drawer & tried to get creative with literal granny panties by just pullin' 'em alllll the way up & calling it fashion. (Forever 21, $28)

Look, I don't even hate this one. I'm just... not really trying to look like Lady Gaga on an everyday basis. But if you are? Hey, I've got a bodysuit for ya. Probably wears better than a meat dress. (XIMAN, $12.99-$20.98)

If you've ever dreamed of being the creepy sex stalker from the first season of American Horror Story and/or suffocating in a tarp, this "Wetlook Spandex Turtleneck Unitard" is probably perfect. And it comes in a rainbow of colors, in case "slick ninja" isn't quite the look you're going for. (Esnovo, $28.99)

There's also this option, for when you want that wetlook, but, like, way less of that wetlook, please. (Forever 21, $19.90)

Boohoo says this is a "Premium" item, but unless you're Britney Spears performing in Vegas, who is wearing this & why? (Boohoo, $80)

If you've got a Grease-themed party or an old-timey sock hop comin' up, you could wear this! And when you're not at the party, you can wear it to the soda jerk! Just don't wear it to the drive-in movies, 'cause it'll be hard to get felt up with crotch-snaps in the way. (ASOS, $48)

Wait, wait, this one is actually kind of lovely. It's something like Princess Kate meets an ice skating champion from the late 1990s. If only I had a place to wear such an item, like to the Royal Palace, or Ice Capades. (Forever 21, $38)

The only way this silk, dolman-sleeved bodysuit could be any more hideous is if the bottom were a literal diaper, instead of just looking like one. (Eloquii, $49.90)

I am equal parts horrified by this garment & amused by this garment. What's the appropriate time to wear such a piece? To the zoo? To a pep rally at a high school whose mascot is a tiger? For a mere $10, I suppose you can buy now & outfit-plan later. Wherever you go in it, though, you might wanna bring a sweater. (Rainbow, $10.00)

Why are there so many tiger-print bodysuits in the world? Is this like all the dudes whose Tinder pics include tigers? What is it about tigers? Should I get a tiger-something? (Forever 21, $12.90)

Again, I'm trying desperately to figure out the appropriate place to wear this article of clothing. I feel like it should only be worn around someone who is your babe, right? But it's given such explicit instructions... (Forever 21, 17.90)

For when you wanna wear a tutu but you also wanna wear pants & you just can't decide, so you do both. (ASOS, $28)

Are you a callgirl? Are you a cowgirl? Does there have to be a difference? Combine 'em! (Forever 21, $38)

If your body is not in possession of nipples, I've got a great outfit for you to try! (Forever 21, $15.90)

I used to wear a back brace for my scoliosis, & this garment looks so much like said back brace that I can barely look at it without breaking out into a bout of preteen angst. (Forever 21, $48)

As '90s style returns, so, too, does that Left-Eye-from-TLC vibe. Just don't burn down anybody's house. Or die in a car accident. Or... man, on second thought, please just don't buy this. (ASOS, $28)

If I'm gonna spend this much money on a bodysuit, I'm gonna request that the manufacturer at least sew up the loose threads at the thighs, please. Damn. (ASOS, $146.50)

I love the Cavs, but I do not think anyone wants me to show my love of the Cavs in this way. (Don't worry, Golden State fans, this line's got you covered, too!) (Rue 21, $21.99)

I don't even have anything snarky to say to this one. I am terrified of velvet, & this is my literal worst nightmare, & I can't breathe just looking at it. I would rather wear literally any of the hideous bodysuits on this list, in public, than ever have to try this one on. (ASOS, $29)

This bodysuit is a good option if you're considering a full-body tribal tattoo but aren't yet sure you wanna go, like, all in. Consider this your practice run. (Shawhuwa, $10-$15)

OK, OK, you think I'm being a jerk, don't you? I'm sorry, I'll stop. This bodysuit agrees with you, & it's got a message for me. (ASOS, $88.50)

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