True-Life "Disturbia," Starring Yours Truly as Shia LaBeouf

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Have I told you about how I think one of my neighbors is some sort of criminal? I do. Guys, this is some "Rear Window" shiz.

I first met my neighbor, Marlo*, in the hallway of our building. He lives a few doors down, & he introduced himself to me as we discussed whether one of us ought to take in our in-between neighbors' ever-growing stack of packages while she was obviously away on vacation. He seemed nice, if a bit high-strung, & I was pleased to know someone in the building aside from the Tea Partiers across the hall.

And then one day, I was doing my laundry. Because the first-floor laundry room is conveniently located across from Marlo's apartment, I could easily hear his phone conversation - without trying, I swear! The first thing I heard was a very loud, very sinister-sounding promise: "If you're not happy with how this turns out, Mom, I can take care of him for you." OK, that could mean anything... right? Plus, who talks crime with his mama? Besides, um, the Sopranos?

Since then, a few things have happened:

  • I heard more of Marlo's initial conversation, which included words like "cocaine" & phrases like "criminal malpractice." He ranted about a local lawyer who should be "disbarred or taken out," & used a tone of voice my mom would likely murder me for.

  • While doing laundry the next week (I suddenly find that I need to do laundry a lot...), I overheard Marlo & some co-conspirators friends discussing someone they hate who "got caught." And also, cocaine. And also, the law. Unfortunately, I again couldn't make out the conversation.

  • I've since spotted Marlo taking phone calls from his car in the apartment complex parking lot. The car is always turned off, he is always yelling & gesturing wildly. He has glared at me menacingly the few times I've caught his eye during these "meetings."

  • I recently heard Marlo scream, "JUST F*CKING TAKE CARE OF IT!" I think this is one of those calls that should've been taken from his Jeep... & I was too scared to stick around to hear more.

What is my responsibility to act? What if my neighbor is Patrick Bateman? Or Al Capone? Or Avon Barksdale? Or, like, any notorious real-life or fictional criminal?

So now I know three people in my building - a Tea Party-affiliated couple & a likely criminal. Lots to choose from in case of emergency...

*Not his real name. This is a "Wire" reference. I got that pannnndemic here! (Anyone?)

Photos: 1, 2

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