Things at Amusement Parks That Are More Disturbing Than Amusing

Saturday, July 2, 2011

While in Ohio, I spent a Friday at Cedar Point, also known as America's Rockin' Roller Coast. I think they may have done away with that tagline, or at least the "rockin'" aspect of it, but I shall buck officialism & continue to use this phrase, as it is catchy & makes Ohio sound like buckets of fun. Um, which it is.

In case you're not an in-the-know roller coaster lover, Cedar Point is arguably the country's best amusement park, & it's located in my beloved home state. Resting on the lovely* shore of Lake Erie in beautiful* Sandusky, Ohio, Cedar Point boasts has more rides than any other amusement park & is the only amusement park to boast four rides higher than 200 feet. The oh-so-reliable Wikipedia tells me that Cedar Point has been dubbed "Best Amusement Park in the World" by Amusement Today for the past 13 years. (I want to know who actually reads Amusement Today, but that's beside the point).

I could tell you about how it rained nearly all day, but that we rode the Millennium Force anyway. I could tell you about how the raindrops felt like actual bullets, & yet I laughed so hard I actually couldn't breathe. I could tell you that as soon as I dropped $30 on an ugly sweatshirt with a silhouette of the amusement park (CARNIE ALERT), the rain stopped & the sun came out.

I could tell you all that (oh, I just did? OK), but instead, I would like to tell you about the booty shorts I found on display at the CP Shop, Cedar Point's primary gift store.

Let's break this down:
  1. Get in line... for what? To be next on this ride? The ride that is some 16-year-old girl's barely covered derriere?! Not appropriate.

  2. This is the least offensive of the bunch until you note, as Nathan's brother, Brice, did (with much discomfort) that CP is also the police abbreviation for "ch1ld p0rn" (not typing the real words because I don't want sickos using that phrase to find my blog). So, again... nottttt that appropriate.

  3. This one is pretty obviously the least appropriate. Hop on board this hot pink ass! Wild ride in store! I don't even need to say it, guys, but I will: Just. Not. Appropriate.At all.
OK, so I'm old. And I'm judgy. And I'm childless, yet I still find myself thinking, "Hide your daughters!" From... the horrors of the Cedar Point gift shop?! Let's face it: Sex sells, innuendo is king, & maybe I'm just jealous that my own rear end is too, uh, ample for those shorts.

*Admittedly improper use of these adjectives

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