Cases in point:
- Hey, Stripes! Muffin top is neither attractive nor comfortable. Save your stomach - & my eyes - the pain of too-tight denim by ignoring the size on the label & buying a pair that, you know, fits. Your digestive system will thank you.
- There's no quirky name for muffin-topping your upper half, but I promise, the sentiment still stands. The lovely ladies at Nordstrom will be happy to measure you for a bra that doesn't cut off circulation to your ribcage.
- And speaking of top halves: Men, I cannot understate the usefulness of undershirts.
- And ladies, I cannot overstate the importance of... sleeves? Straps? Bras? SUPPORT? Not wearing a shirt that resembles half a poorly constructed toga?
- Despite the previous sentence, I must also stress the importance of NOT wearing a bra as your bathing suit. I know you think you're sneaky, lady, what with that floral pattern & all, but the three-clasp adjustable back strap is a pretty telltale giveaway that you went all Fruit of the Loom on your swimwear. Oh, & so is the fact that it's see-through when wet.
- Sadly, sometimes even seemingly cute pieces can be fashion don'ts. When purchasing a fluttery top with quirky arm-hole cutouts, for example, please first examine the shirt at all angles on your body. The "armpit hangover" look detracts from even the nicest of pecs.
- Ah, the old "I've been sitting in bleach all day" look. Always a flattering one, especially in 1992.
- And for my grand finale, look! I found the Great Pumpkin ordering lunch at Subway!
Oh, the pitgina. So cruel, so unfair...so necessary to watch out for.
ReplyDeleteSo much fail. Sooooo. Much. FAIL.
ReplyDeleteOMG why is that guy swamping out so hardcore on his shoulders?! Hopefully someone threw a slurpee at him or something. Great pics, reminds me of Nebraska, ha!
ReplyDeleteLOL I kinda wanna submit this post to glamour magazine...
ReplyDeleteI kinda wanna be paranoid of anyone using an iPhone...
ReplyDeleteVery snarky...but in a good way!
ReplyDeletefirst off, i am muy impressed with your surreptitious picture-taking abilities. i can't do it without it being, uh, super obvious.
ReplyDeletealso: dc fashion week? REALLY? i mean, neat! but... really?
also also: wow. and cringe. and wow.
undershirts are VITAL. why is this so hard to understand?
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome! I want to see this post in Glamour too.
ReplyDeleteArmpit fat: ew. Bra girdle: ouch! Sweaty back: mmm, that's hot. lol!!
You should make this a regular feature!
i secretly take iphone pics of horribly dressed people, also. everywhere. thanks for making me feel a little bit better about my actions. i heart this post. hard.
ReplyDelete