"The Real World DC:" I Got Big, Big Plans...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

A billion points to anyone who can name the song that contains the lyric that makes up the latter half of this post's title. If you can identify it from only those five words, you will receive lifelong love from your humble Suburban Sweetheart.

ANYWAY, on to the point. I got me some plans, y'all.

As you may have heard, MTV's never-ending reality show "The Real World" will be filmed in our nation's capital come month's end. DCist has announced the much-anticipated location of the house (in Dupont Circle), & I am, of course, wildly cranky that my friend Cara, who lived across from said house, moved to New York City a week & a half ago, thus leaving me without any way to subtly case the joint.

I, for one, haven't watched "The Real World" since 1998, when it was located in Seattle & some crazy biatch with Lyme disease who never got any camera ti
me got smacked in the face for calling a housemate a "homosexual" & he threw her teddy bear in the river in further retaliation. Or something. Man, I miss that season.

Anyway, everyone worth their reality TV salt knows that "The Real World" hasn't depicted anything real since, well, everish, but over the past few years, it appears to have worsened. Today's "Real World" consists of nothing more than wildly drunk, inappropriately clothed, unrealistically attractive minors engaging in bisexual curiosity, catty gossip & a host of irresponsible activities for the sake of the camera. When I was in 8th grade, I viewed this debauchery with wide-eyed wonder: "Ooooh, being an adult looks shiny & dramatic!"

Now, though? Now, I'm 24 & "The Real World" is in its 23rd season, & I finally know the truth. Yes, we all know that anything titled "The Real World" should actually be a series about moderately attractive 20-somethings who sometimes go to happy hours but otherwise sit around in their one-room apartments in their underwear & oversized Keith Richards tees blogging & watching "Bones" reruns before packing their lunches & going to bed at 10pm. Not that I'm speaking from any sort of real world experience...

ANYWAY, I've devised a b
rilliant-if-I-do-say-so-myself plan to get close to the show while managing not to end up ass-up & morals-down on national television. I don't want to be one of those skanks who throws myself at the participants because, hey, that's skanky; I AM, however, interested in getting cozy with a cameraman. Yes, a cameraman. Why? Let's break it down:

  1. No humiliating & regrettable in-front-of-the-camera time...
  2. But all the juicy behind-the-cameras insight (read: gossip like mad-crazy).
  3. Also, I will hopefully not feel compelled to abide by any of the tips so scathingly provided by the Anti-Real World in yesterday's post, "5 Tips for Washingtonians That Will Inevitably Hook Up With a Real Worlder."
I know you wish you'd thought of this before me. Try not to be jealous. I'll take pictures behind the scenes, I swear - & I promise not to wear the Keith Richards shirt around my new friends, the cast & crew. Wish me luck - "Real World," ho!


  1. Um... I very much want to appear on the show with my name scribbled in white and an arrow pointing toward me. I realize that this means I probably would have to sleep with one of the girls on the show, but I'm willing to take that task on as long as 1) She's hot, 2) I get to double bag it, and 3) they cut in footage of her walking funny after the gym or something as if it was the morning after we slept together, so it would puff up my sexual prowess for America.

  2. Please do this. Really. And twitpic the hell out of the whole thing.

  3. Mr. Jones and Me? No, that's big stars. dang

  4. Haha, awesome. I'll stay tuned! :)

  5. Hmmm, let me think. Is it The Starting Line - Bedroom Talks???

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

  7. Why yes, yes it is! A billion points to @Jessica. :)


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