Ain't No Trip to Ohio: A Play-By-Play

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

I went to Ohio for Memorial Day Weekend. As you may/should know, I LOVE OHIO. I'm Buckeye State born & bred, having attended three Ohio public schools & two of Ohio's state colleges. Others may mock it, reminding me that Ohio is often named the place where never-to-be-heard-from-again TV & film characters move (see: "Friends," "Tommy Boy," & a myriad of others). But this weekend, I traveled back to my beloved home state with a coworker, her younger brother & his friend. They were bound for an Ultimate Frisbee tournament (?!) & I figured I'd stay with my aunts & visit some old friends, though some of those plans worked out better than others. Since I was away from a computer & thus unable to blog, I tweeted my entire visit. If you follow me on Twitter, feel free to ignore this tweet-by-tweet summary; if you don't, enjoy!

PS: Upon re-reading these tweets, it basically appears as though I despised my trip to Ohio. Perhaps I need to work on my emotional tweeting. It's sort of like emotional eating, but more publicly shameful.

6:19 PM: Buckeye-bound! Columbus, ho!
6:19 PM: Dashboard Confessional flashbacks on this roadtrip. The 18-year-olds are asleep in the back seat & we got all kinds of time to rock.
7:00 PM: Live-tweeting my roadtrip to Ohio. Tune in for farmhouses, hills, fast food restaurants & bathroom breaks.
7:34 PM: Certainly almost just died. Ironic that the car that almost nailed us has a license plate that reads "KEEPHOPE."
7:53 PM: "Welcome to West Virginia: Wild and Wonderful!"
8:21 PM: Playing some pretty bad trivia. Not a radio station to be found for miles.
8:48 PM: Riding a motorcycle does not give you permission to wear a lace-up leather vest.
8:53 PM: Proof that there is a God & (S)He loves us: We just discovered a Hanson "Middle of Nowhere" tape. Hear that? A TAPE! Thanks, universe.
9:13 PM: Why do I still remember every single lyric to songs I haven't heard since 1997?
9:14 PM: How did we end up in WVa. again???
9:34 PM: BDubs! Eat 'n' Park! Applebee's! Guess where? O-H..!
9:41 PM: Come on, guys. O-H! Anyone...?
10:00 PM: I'm about to be a Columbus nomad. Got zero plans.
10:16 PM Daniel ordered four sandwiches at Wendy's - 3 & a half hours ago. and is eating the last of them now. The car reeks of meat (& botchulism).
11:26 PM: Wrong turn. Driving fairly aimlessly around Columbus. Welcome to the Buckeye State.
11:55 PM: Too tired to be awake & hanging out with the Washington University Women's Ultimate Frisbee team (which I don't know any players on...)
12:27 AM: Ghettoest bar ever. At OSU. Smells like pee. Playing "Brass Monkey." $1 cover - why bother???
12:46 AM: We're greasy & have been in the car for 8 hours. I'm wearing a 1994 tee-ball t-shirt. Do not hit on me, weirdo.
1:53 AM: After the creeper came two legitimately cute guys, one a Jew. Who is clearly interested, despite my unattractiveness tonight. Curious...
2:06 AM: Dear cute boy: Please email me like you said you would?
9:55 AM: I do not feel rested in any sense of the word. Thanks, fold-out couch & really loud dog.
10:09 AM: I wish my family weren't so painfully unlike me.
11:55 AM: Dear Ohio: Thanks for having Quaker Steak & Lube. I wish I were going there instead of the freaking Cheesecake Factory for lunch right now.
12:48 PM: Epic breakfast burrito:

1:02 PM: I hate everything.
3:05 PM: This weather makes me tired enough to fall asleep in my mom's car.
3:26 PM: It was so warm inside Old Navy that I can now do nothing but sit on the couch & pant & be thankful that I found two new pairs of jeans.
5:31 PM: I suspect that this afternoon's epic breakfast burrito is the culprit behind this evening's intestinal mutiny. Tums, anyone? Ow.
7:16 PM: At an Ultimate Frisbee tournament. So uninterested but attempting not to be a douchebag. Mostly just jealous I don't/can't play any sports.

8:37 PM: When my lease runs out (a year from Tuesday), I'm moving to Columbus. Count on it.
8:50 PM: I remembered I don't actually like Great Lakes Eliot Ness. I was just really jazzed to be someplace that had Great Lakes.
10:42 PM: Meeting up with @ohhitsjustmeg at Little Bar, the most unGoogleable bar in this city.
12:12 AM: This bar's packed with trendy, pretty girls - but the kind who somehow make me proud to be here wearing Chucks & a t-shirt instead.
12:40: Hazards of hanging out with old friends inlude being reminded of what an unlikeable f*ck-up I used to be. Not loving memory lane tonight.
1:25 AM: I think my quick temper might freak out my friends.
1:45 AM: Bagel sandwich, potato pancakes & a chocolate malt for $5.49. I LOVE THE MIDWEST.
1:58 AM: "Thanks for taking us to Steak & Shake." "Thanks for giving me an excuse to admit to going somewhere I was going to sneak off to anyway."

12:17 PM: Amazing piece of Sanskrit art my aunt made me (watercolor & colored pencil):

1:15 PM: Indy 500: Sucks to wipe out in the first lap. Don't judge me for watching!
1:23 PM: Nothing beats drinking cherry Koolaid & watching the Indy 500 on a sunny day. Waiting for Moraes to wig on Andretti.
2:43 PM: Every single girl on the Stanford Ultimate Frisbee Team could beat the living daylights out of me. And they're all five feet tall.
7:00 PM: I'm ready to go back to DC now. I wish I could teleport.
7:51 PM: I know I tweeted this two days ago, but... I hate everything.
9:03 PM: Step it up, #Cavs. I'm watching from Quaker Steak & Lube, and I want to watch a win while I'm home.
9:46 PM: Quaker belly.

11:06 PM: "Hitch" is NOT comparable to the fourth quarter of the #Cavs game.
11:10 PM: Who's winning?!?! My aunt says it's not on, which can NOT POSSIBLY be true.
11:04 AM: I fashioned some earplugs out of a wet cotton ball & slept like a freaking rock.
11:39 AM: It's pretty clear that Jon & Kate Gosselin can't stand one another. Uhh, that's what you get for having an army's worth of kids.
12:41 PM: I'm going insane. I need to get on the road back to the District immediately.
1:14 PM: My aunts are making plans to travel to Iowa to finally get married!!!!
1:42 PM: The Midwest makes it really easy to be fat.
4:01 PM: Live-tweeting my return to DC. Enjoy! It begins with a kid at a rest stop named Cannon. As in, "Boom!"
4:41 PM: Passed a hitchhiker in West Virginia. Those still exist?!
5:34 PM: It's raining in West Virginia, which sounds like some sort of country song. And speaking of country, decent radio is non-existent out here.
6:31 PM: Fell asleep pretty hard through Maryland. Neck cracked like I was breaking something. Yowza.
7:16 PM: Did Chik-Fil-A really invent the chicken sandwich or is this just a brilliant marketing ploy dependent upon gullible customers?
7:38 PM: My friend is now quizzing her brother on principles of macroeconomics. Pardon me while I zone the eff out.
7:48 PM: Driving into the apocalypse somewhere mid-Maryland, where an epic, Biblical-style storm appears to be brewing.


  1. Glad you had a great time!!!! :-) xoxo

  2. I judge you for the Indy 500, but not as much as not telling me you were in Ohio. I'm home now. Graduation will do that. Also this reads like the Eurotrip montage in Rules Of Attraction.

  3. Speaking as someone who calls Ohio home, I have to say all the sitcoms and movies are wrong. INDIANA is the state that swallows you alive, Ohio is awesome.

    Of course, I once got trapped in Indiana trying to find my way to visit an old friend and following both the map and the directions she had given me (and then the directions some guy in a truckstop offered) found myself going back and forth on the same road for about 60 miles. Finally, I found my way back on to i74 and sailed back into Cincinnati in record time. (And one of my observations on this road were mansions next door to trailer parks - I'm convinced people just got stuck and gave up finding their way to wherever they were going and started calling it home.)


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