The City That Would Make Clinton Kelly Weep

Saturday, September 29, 2007

I wish I could manage to snap photos of all the horrifically dressed individuals who populate our nation’s great capital. Alas, I’m not yet that sly, so you’ll have to settle for some verbal imagery of my most recent favorites.

  • If your shrug is so small that looks like you’re wearing a coconut bra, it’s probably time to upgrade. Unless it’s Halloween, the Ariel look is best left under the sea.

  • If you insist upon wearing T-shirts with not-so-quirky sayings, at least make sure they match your “look.” For example, a shirt that reads “GLAMOROUS LIFE” is, not ironically, best when not worn with sweatpants & Crocs.

  • Ninety-degree weather is no time for a pashmina. Yes, it’s September, & if you’re Midwestern like me, you’re probably pining for a fall breeze. Regardless, please accept your southern location & remove your sweaty table-runner of a giant scarf.

  • Please invest in Spanx or some other form of fat-sucker-inners. And if you refuse to do so, please rethink your wardrobe choices. I have more rolls than a bakery, too, but I don’t wear underwear that’s three sizes too tight under dresses made of plastic wrap.

  • Dear Russian Guy at Starbucks: I know you’re foreign & probably unfamiliar with the term “Kentucky Tuxedo,” but I can define it for you – you’re wearing one. Denim on denim has never been & never will be OK.

  • Unless you are Carson Kressley or a picnic table, you probably cannot pull off the checkered look. This means you, Hot Blonde Guy Wearing a Checkered Shirt & A Pinstripe Suit At Farragut North.

  • Wearing a regular bra under a backless shirt isn’t punk or emo, even when you have 18 tattoos & tri-colored hair. Backless shirts are made for girls with no boobs, so if you’ve got got ‘em, please flaunt ‘em in a differently cut shirt.
  • On my way home today, however, I saw a somewhat nerdy guy wearing a somewhat hilarious T-shirt. I came home & Googled it for a picture & was unsurprised to find that it’s from…. but people’s angry opinions about the un-quirkiness of the tee kind of made me wish I didn’t find it so funny. Either way, that guy gets a thumbs up from this Clevelander.

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