Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Tips for Surviving the So-Called Winter Wonderland

I made a list. I like to call it "Six Vital Things I'd Forgotten About Real Winters Because Three Years In D.C. Turned Me Into a Big Wuss," which I think is pretty self-explanatory. So let's forge ahead in no particular order, shall we?
  1. Winter is cold, snow or not.
    I used to have a strict policy of refusing to wear coats until snow fell. This? Was a stupid policy. Because sometimes it's actually too cold to snow, which means my limbs are exponentially more likely to freeze & fall off. See also: Wind.

  2. Snow is wet.
    Sure, it's also beautiful, all falling softly on cedars & such. I always remember that it's cold (see previous bullet point), but I somehow develop amnesia about the wetness. I forget that snow in the eye is like a miniature squirtgun to the eye. This also reinforces the importance of wearing hats. What, you thought I meant for warmth? I meant for the safe-keeping of my hair.

  3. Every trip is a road trip.
    Add 15 minutes of travel time to all car trips, even ones that are typically fewer than 15 minutes long. Because even if you're just heading out to buy tortilla chips & queso at midnight (not that I do that!), you're going to first need to scrape an ice rink's worth of build-up off the windshield.

  4. Child labor is A-OK.
    A piece of paper was slid into our front door handle yesterday, possibly delivered by an angel: "MIGHTY SHOVELERS!" it proclaimed. One hour & $25 later, four neighborhood kids were happily heaving the snow out of our driveway by the pileful while I lazed happily in front of AMC's showing of "Mrs. Doubtfire." I never even had to take off my slippers.

  5. No one knows how to drive.
    Do I pump the breaks or not pump the breaks? I can't remember. Either way, I'm probably ending up halfway into your front yard. No inflatable lawn ornament is safe! And on that note...

  6. I'm the Patrick Bateman of lawn ornaments.
    I'm not actually murdering them. But I'm thinking detailed, gory, maniacal thoughts about how & when I would murder them. And how I'd celebrate with a reservation at Dorsia.

    13 comments:

    Drew said...

    This whole post made me lol! Love it! I'm debating pulling my parka out but I have the whole "no heavy duty coat until first snow or January". The wind is killer on Long Island, something no one EVER mentions when looking at residencies.

    Heatherdiane17 said...

    Welcome back, dear. :)

    And yes, child labor is definitely ok in this case. Those boys need to make Taco Bell money somehow.

    Dream In Grey said...

    how cold is it there? My winter coat comes out when it's heading for 0 degrees C (32 degrees F) and then stays out until spring

    Hermia said...

    Ha "child labour is ok"...I'm with you on that!!

    And YES, when the snow starts up again I always get caught out with wet socks because I didn't think to bring spare shoes/socks/etc! Fluffy-looking stuff isn't supposed to be wet!

    Sam Lehman said...

    RE Brakes -- if you have ABS DON'T PUMP THE BRAKES. Normally I'd assume you would have ABS; then again, your car is about as old as I am so I might check ;)

    gem said...

    That first one is somehow burned into my brain after all those years in Chicagoland. Especially the bit about it being too cold to snow. Nobody believes me when I say such things, but it's so true! In real winter times, it's usually warmest when it's snowing.

    emmysuh said...

    I feel like I could have written this myself, so true.

    My favourite yard of decorations is the one that looks like the people living there went into their closets, heaved out years and years of Christmas decorations and then through them out on the lawn to get started...then remembering Home Make Over was on, and forgot about them. It's awful, lawn ornaments everywhere, all ramshackle and broke down and random.

    Sara said...

    You should see people in Louisiana when cold weather hits. It's only 40-50 degrees here lately, but yesterday we had a snow warning for the first time this season. On the way home from work, I saw THREE MOTHEREFFING WRECKS. What the fucking fuck, dude?

    Nora_L said...

    This is awesome. I love it.
    People in StL have no idea how to drive in snow at all. It's insane. They either speed through it and cause crazy accidents or act like it's the apocalypse and drive 2 miles per hour, also causing accidents. Thankfully we have had no snow or ice yet... i'm dreading the day it comes.

    Stephany said...

    Oh, gosh, people in Florida don't even know how to drive in the rain. I couldn't imagine snow. It would be chaos!

    This post makes me extremely glad to live in Florida. Snow seems fun for, like, 5 seconds and then just an annoying mess. Also, until I was about 13 years old, I thought snow was fluffy, not icy and wet.

    Way to go with the child labor! Best option. :)

    CAPow! said...

    I <3 this post! If rings true for upstate ny too!

    terra said...

    SO TRUE! And this winter is stupid because it's already cold - really cold - in Richmond, Virginia, which is something that usually doesn't happen until February, if it even happens at all. Bah humbug!

    graceelena said...

    I'd likely never leave my house in the winter if I lived in Ohio.

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