I know a lot of people eagerly await summer's arrival, but suffice it to say that summer & I aren't really friends. We're, like, barely on speaking terms. I tolerate summer because I have to, because I live in an apartment in a city instead of, like, an igloo in Antarctica (much to my June-through-September dismay). I know summer is supposed to be everyone's favorite time of year, or whatever, but it's definitely not mine. It's just not. I am a normal, not-hermit human who loves me some sunshiney Vitamin D, but I like it in shining down on me in the spring & the fall, when shit is cool instead of unbearable & when there's some semblance of a breeze instead of all this thick, stagnant, disgusting hot air.
I'm trying to make amends with summer this year, though so far I'm not exactly excelling in that department. In an effort to air all my grievances so that perhaps they'll evaporate
- I am the sweatiest person alive. This is not an exaggeration. You are not sweatier than I am. Don't try to tell me you are.
- I am so sweaty that my makeup slides off my face. I had an actual meltdown (no pun intended) about this a couple weeks ago, & I've hardly worn eyeliner since.
- I am so sweaty that my clothes look wet. No, I didn't just get thrown into the swimming pool. I'm just swimming my own bodyjuice.
- I am so sweaty that my hair is wet. No, I didn't just get out of the shower, but if you want to think I did so that I seem less disgusting, well, I certainly won't correct you.
- I get dehydrated really easily. Probably because I'm sweating so damn much. The solution for dehydration is to drink more water, but know what that does? Gives my body more stuff to sweat out
- I look terrible with my hair in a ponytail. The last time I wore my hair in one was circa age 9, in a dance recital, & then never again because it makes my head look lumpy & my face look fat.
- And my messy buns suck. I don't know why, but this is an style I cannot master, which leaves me with these options: A) look dumb with my hair up, or B) look extra-sweaty with my hair down.
- I am jealous of everyone. I went to an outdoor concert last week & looked like a swamp monster. WTF is with all these other women who look pristine & pretty & so damn dry? Did I get all the sweatiness genes that skipped them, or...?
- I am embarrassed to be in public. See reasons 1-8.
- I'm allergic to everything. In the summer, I take two Zytrec-D a day. Do you know how much money that costs me? The alternative, though, is a perpetually swollen, itchy, watery face, which I will happily pay not to have.
- My apartment does not have air conditioning. In fact, it has basically the opposite of air conditioning, which is that it's somehow always 15 degrees warmer insider than outside, so even when it's nice out there, it's an inferno in here.
- I can't hear my TV over my fan. This is the first-worldiest problem I've ever allowed myself to admit, but my TV only gets so loud, OK?
- I look better in winter clothes. OK, wait, I retract my last statement. This first-world problem definitely takes the cake. (In the winter, I can eat cake & hide my weight gain under sweaters, BTW.)
- Chub rub hurts. And wearing tight bike shorts under every dress is sweaty. Can't win.
- It's too hot to work from my apartment without suffocating. And I can only spend so long at the coffee shop next door without paying them actual rent.
- It's too hot to sleep. I already sleep like a colicky baby hopped up on Ritalin, which is to say, often not at all. Please, now also add in a gallon of sweat. No sleep 'til
- It's too hot to cook. And I hate salads. (Fine, who am I kidding? My boyfriend does the cooking. But still.)
- Kids are annoying when they're not in school. No joke, I bought a secret care package of not-loud activities to leave on the doorstep of my backyard neighbors so their very bored kid stops throwing a damn ball at the side of the house all day long.
- Humidity. Hellllp, I can't breaaaathe.
Wake me up when September end, OK? (If only I could sleep through the heat...)
PS: I do like Popsicles.