Tuesday, March 28, 2017

Another Day, Another Stupid Facial Injury


Longtime friends & readers of this blog may recall that, a few years ago, I slipped in the shower & fell face-first into the porcelain toilet paper holder just outside the tub. That resulted in a gash that literally split my left eyebrow in half, requiring a handful of stitches & leaving me with a villainous scar. Still, I'm so lucky that I didn't fall an inch off-kilter; truly, I could've lost my eye.

Yesterday's facial injury isn't of the same caliber, thank God, but it inspired the same moment of terror & relief when I realized just how close I was to gouging my eye out. There are no stitches today, but my face is similarly sore.

Wait, let's back up. Here's what happened.

My cat was yowling from the living room, & when I went to inspect, I found that our coat rack had tipped over (from the weight of all our goddamn Ohio winter coats) & that one of our fallen jackets was covering the litter box (yes, hello, dry cleaner? I have a cleanliness emergency). As I attempted to right the coat rack, I realized it had actually come apart into two pieces, & I began to try to put them back together, fighting off a sea of coats as I did.

I bent down to pick up a falling coat... & BAM, jammed the metal pole of one half of the coat rack right into my cheek. I've injured myself a few times while home alone, but never before have I screamed the way I did yesterday, moaning & muttering & holding my face & trying not to pass out from the pain. I immediately iced it (nothing embarrassing about icing your face on a conference call), took Advil, & hoped for the best, but within a couple of minutes, it was so swollen that it was partially blocking my line of sight.

Somehow, miraculously, I woke up without a black eye. Not even a bruise! I have a small slice across my cheek where the pole hit my skin, but even that isn't too bad - & totally concealable with a little bit of makeup.

Even without a visible mark, though, it hurts like hell. Here are a few things that are painful to do with a severely bruised cheek:
  1. Smile
  2. Laugh
  3. Yawn
  4. Sneeze
  5. Chew
  6. Lay on a pillow 
  7. Remove makeup
  8. Wash my face
Needless to say, I'm driving the proverbial strugglebus today - though fortunately, at least, I can drive, since the swelling has gone down enough that it's no longer impairing my vision.

Take care of yourself, kids. It's a dangerous, coat-rack-eat-girl kinda world.

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