Sunday, October 23, 2016

Autumn is My Sad Season

"When autumn comes, it doesn't ask. It just walks in where it left you last..." -John Mayer, "Something's Missing"
I've been feeling a little sad lately. I haven't had a lot to write about, because who wants to read about me being inexplicably sad? But I try to be honest in this space, & I'm a big proponent of that therapist-beloved reassurance that "All feelings are valid!" so here's a short screed on random sadness.

Disclaimer: Nothing is wrong. My life is lovely, & I just got engaged to my best friend. But autumn always gets me down in ways I can't explain. Maybe it's the nostalgia, or maybe it's just the chill in the air, but the combination always knocks me out a little bit. Here are a few of the things getting me down:
  • I've been sleeping too much. Yes, this is the opposite of the problem I was having early this year, when I couldn't sleep at all. Now, it's not uncommon for me to sleep until 2pm on a weekend day, which is fine when you're 16, but not when you're 32. I am always exhausted, & I think I need to go back to my doctor & reassess.
  • Wedding planning is stressful. I've barely even done any wedding planning yet, & I'm already in the throes of despair about it. This shit is really hard. I've started reaching out to venues, but we haven't locked anything down yet, & I sort of feel like we never will. That's ridiculous, I know, but that's how stressed it has me.
  • I'm trying to get healthy. Recognizing that I've nearly re-reached my peak weight (ack), I've started to try to eat better - a salad a day, no bread during the week. It's going OK, but I'm always on high alert about what I'm eating, whether I'm "allowed" to be eating it, & how to do better while not giving up pizza forever. It's exhausting... with very slow results.
  • Election season is terrible. I'm going to the polls tomorrow to take advantage of Ohio's early voting opportunities, & as thrilled as I am to cast my ballot for Hillary Clinton, I'm also just... terrified. Even though I do, finally, believe Trump will lose, all this election season rhetoric has me in a constant state of nervousness, worried about the world & what's to come. The Washington Post confirms that I'm not alone.
  • I'm afraid no one likes me. Bear with me here. I know this isn't true, but it's my weird & perpetual number-one concern, this insistence in the back of my mind that everyone I know actually kind of hates me. It's always worse after a night of drinking, so today, I woke up with a feelings hangover, the false but persistent refrain that all my friendships are fake. This time, the New York Times confirms it.
  • I'm having some financial issues. When it rains, it pours, especially when it comes to money. Recently, my health insurance decided not to cover a bunch of standard tests, so the lab says I owe them $900ish. 1-800-CONTACTS insists that I owe them $107 from a past order that my credit card bill shows that I paid. I'm also planning a wedding & going to Peru next month, neither of which is cheap, & my wallet is feeling the pressure.
  • The Indians are going to the World Series. This one is actually great, & I'm really excited about it. But just like when the Cavs went to the playoffs, it means a week of nonstop socialization, drinking, & worry, all of which go hand in hand with my ever-present anxiety.
Like I said: Everything is fine, truly. Nothing is majorly wrong. I am OK. I know that. But all these low-level concerns mean that I'm constantly abuzz with some sort of nervousness, & that's, frankly, pretty exhausting (which might be why I'm sleeping so much).

I'm trying to take it easy & to remember my late friend Marcus's advice about worrying. I increased the dosage of my anxiety medicine & have been reading a lot during my free time to try to keep my mind calm; I even started journaling again, & I'm listening to a lot of John Mayer. But sometimes life just feels like a little bit too much, you know?

I hope fall's treating you well, friends. If you have any advice for kicking the unnecessary autumn blues, I'd love to hear it - & if you just want to tell me what's got you down, hey, I'd love to hear that, too. Keep on keepin' on..


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