Friday, April 5, 2013

In Which I'm Too Anxious to Function, & (Spoiler Alert!) a Corndog is Eventually Involved

I had Monday off, & after writing a slew of thank-you notes, cleaning my office a little bit, & just generally being more productive than usual on work-free days (what is it about weekdays off versus plain old weekends?), I decided I'd try to get to a spinning class. As it turns out, my gym didn't have any classes until 6pm, & I didn't want to wait that long, so I decided to try out a 4pm class at another gym location just down the road. Enthusiasm aplenty, I suited up in yoga pants & a tank top & let Google Maps lead the way.

I made it to the gym with 15 minutes to spare before class &, enthusiasm faltering but still mostly intact, I asked the front desk staffers where the cycle room was. "I've never been to this location," I explained. "Can you point me in the right direction?" The dude staffer, who was a guido extraordinaire (because remember, I go to this chain of gyms), literally just pointed for me, & grunted something like, "That way, can't miss it."

Except I could miss it, & I did miss it, because that gym, unlike my usual gym, is a big circle of mirrors. I already have terrible vision & intense anxiety, so, you know, it was pretty ideal.

I wandered awkwardly for a bit, feeling sure that the fitter-than-I folks on treadmills & ellipticals were wondering what the hell I was doing looking lost & toting a big, patent leather purse throughout the gym like a dope - but I couldn't find the locker room, either! When I finally located the cycle room, I decided to keep my dopey bag with me, against the wall or something, because I didn't want to venture back out into the Hall of Mirrors, except as it turns out, the cycle room was a mini Hall of Mirrors itself, at least three times bigger than the cycle room at my usual gym... plus, you know, covered in mirrors.

Still, I was (mostly) undeterred. I chose a bike & tried to adjust it to fit me - but the seat got stuck, so I moved to another bike & tried again... & the seat fell off. There were two other cyclists already in the room, & both of them were looking at me like I had three arms.

So obviously, I bailed.

"I'll just run on a treadmill!" I thought to myself. Except I couldn't even find the treadmills, & I was still carrying the damn purse. And I still couldn't see because I need an optometrist, stat. And panic was setting in because ohmyGodwhatswrongwithme?! Who gets overwhelmed by a new gym?! So I did what any sane person with an anxiety disorder would do: I left. Quickly. I slithered past the guido front desk staffer, my head down & my enthusiasm fully destroyed, & took refuge in my car.

As I pulled out of the parking lot, I spotted a glowing Mecca next door, a comfortable & familiar friend: a Sonic. So naturally, I went through the drive-through, still dressed in workout clothes, & bought a corndog, which is essentially the opposite of working out. But that, at least, didn't induce my anxiety. Just my guilt.

Annnnnd all was right with the world again.
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