Sunday, April 29, 2012

Jesus Sent Me a Chain Letter

This came in the mail last week:

Naturally, I was wary of opening it. I considered tossing it out with the rest of the junk mail, but how could I resist opening such a dramatic envelope? Inside, I found all kinds of goodies:

A sign from the Lord about my future? Well, heck! I want to know what it is! This is like being mailed a fortune cookie, except probably junk mail doesn't taste very good. Then again, fortune cookies don't either.

I spent awhile trying to figure out exactly what the purpose of this mailing was, & as far as I could tell, it was about a prayer rug. Now, I don't know what a prayer rug is, but it sure seemed to helped Y.G. in Maryland in, like, 1973, based on this photo. Who needs Publishers Clearing House when you can just... have a prayer rug?!

I'm down for just about anything that promises to net me $46k, so I read on. The next page didn't explain much, but I started to put the pieces together. Basically, I got a chain letter from a church, but don't worry, it's not the "Death will befall you" kind. In fact, it's very upfront about the benefits: "SOMETHING GOOD IS ABOUT TO HAPPEN."
 

It reads, "Please do not open this prophecy until after you have placed your prayer page ... & the prayer rug back in the mail before sunset tomorrow or the next day." I wonder why the sunset part matters...? But more importantly, I now know that I am just one page away from my very own prayer rug!

Yeah, I didn't read the next page.

I'M SO CLOSE TO MY PRAYER RUG.


So I broke the seal, & there it was.

Well, this just got creepier. What exactly am I supposed to do with this? What was I expecting a prayer rug to look like? Of course it's creepy.

"Soaked with the power of prayer," huh? Yesterday I accidentally soaked a birthday card to a friend when I spilled a Pabst Blue Ribbon on it, & it was totally destroyed. Either prayer is not very wet or my prayer rug is indestructible.

I considered sending the prayer rug back, as Saint Matthew's Churches requests. I mean, why not?

And then I remembered why not: I don't want this church preying (praying? No pun intended!) on poor people who might actual fall for some chain mail "prayer rug." So, you know, I'm blogging about it instead. That's basically the same as mailing it back, right? I'm paying it forward!

*IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: You guys know I'm Jewish, but I sincerely hope this post doesn't in any way offend my Christian readers. I have nothing but respect for people of other faiths & of no faith. Please recognize that poking fun at this weird chain letter is not the same as poking fun at the things you believe in. I am not freaked out by or disdainful of your religion - just by this prayer rug.
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