Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The Return of the KTP: Hunt Like a Mainer!

*Photo heavy. Also, awesomeness heavy.

Remember this place? It's baaaack!



That's right. I returned to the famed Kittery Trading Post yesterday, this time with my city-dwelling BFF in tow, at her eager request. Upon our arrival, we were greeted by KTP's standard decor: taxidermy. This moose met us at the entrance, & we had a good chuckle at the sign accompanying him. Please don't feed the dead moose.
How was this visit unlike all other visits? This time we branched out by venturing up to the second floor, which is home to all of KTP's camping & hunting gear. I don't know what I was expecting, but I think it's safe to say that I was shocked. I shouldn't have been, as I regularly see guys toting their rifles around the store, but nothing could've prepared me for the rows & rows of guns for sale in this place.

Luckily, they had this sign posted up & down the gun aisles to remind shoppers to practice safe firearms shopping habits. Whew.


"How many people on this floor do you think are Republicans?" I asked Rachel. "Um, all of them." Like good little pro-gun control liberals, we actually sort of freaked out & scurried away from the gun section, trying to shake off the willies. Nearby, we found the Bragging Board, sponsored by a local taxidermy company (naturally!) & featuring a 12-year-old girl who felled some massive animal.

Want to shoot some wildlife of your own? Well, you're gonna need some gear - and not just guns! Let me outline for you a few of the accoutrements you may want to acquire, all available at your my local trading post. First, you'll need to brush up on yer huntin' skillz with some aptly titled magazines.

And books about very cute hunting dogs, uncomfortably positioned next to a book about sharpening your knives. Please note: You should not use these knives on your very cute hunting dog(s).

And now, onto the actual tools. But... oh, no! The wall of Bear Grylls hunting tools is wiped clean! That crazy Brit sure is popular &, well, crazy.

But wait! What's that on the other side? Bear Grylls machetes? Oh, scorrre.
 

You may also want some plastic animal decoys, which will put the actual animals (i.e. your furry victims) at ease by making them think they're amongst friends rather than amongst hunters who wants to turn them into tasty venison chili.

While you're in the habit of tricking your prey, you might want to make sure you have access to things like doe urine, which will, again, encourage your furry friends to come out of hiding in search of others Bambi buddies. Mmm, doe urine.

Of course, deer urine only works on deer. If you're hunting up here in the hinterlands, yer gonna wanna be able to mimic moose. And I've got just the trick!


Not comfy with a gun? You could always take up archery. Of course, then you have to carry around this bow case, which distinctly & rather awkwardly resembles a southern region of the male anatomy. Manly indeed!

Of course, if you're going to become a hunter, you've got to have the proper attire. I understand this mossy Yeti get-up to the right, if you need to look like a tree while you're trying to stalk your prey (though that doesn't negate how ridiculously funny it looks). But can someone tell me how a neon orange fedora is a legitimate hunting accessory? Again, I understand part of this: The color ensures that hunters don't become the hunted. But a fedora? Listen, if you want to dress like Sinatra on acid, the forest is probably not the right stage.


For the parents of budding young outdoors(wo)men, we've got old-fashioned sling-shots, camoflaged malt balls ("I know I bought malt balls, but I can't find them anywhere!") & hunting action figures with ominous named like "The Bone Collector." KTP's kiddie pop-guns even come in light pink so you can uphold artificial gender constructs while teaching your little lady to cock a rifle.

If you're not in the mood for hunting, though, never fear: The Kittery Trading Post still has something for you. On the left, a contraption that claims to make ice cream anywhere. It is ostensibly designed to allow campers in the boonies to indulge in creamy dairy goodness, but Rachel commented that she'd like to use it in her living room. You could also read Ted Nugent's patrioticly/vainly named bestseller or take up basket-weaving with this easy beginners kit.

Or you could take up ice-fishing.

Yep. There's always ice-fishing.

*Disclaimer: I freaking love this place. I'm also not anti-hunting, for the most part. I once even shot a porcupine. When I was 8, with a real gun. I shot it dead, then cried liked a baby. And I still own a .22.
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