Thursday, December 8, 2011

What Your Favorite Christmas Song Says About You

  1. "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" (from the movie)
    Though you're too old for both of them, you like rhymes & cartoons (but hopefully not the version where Jim Carrey is green & furry). Despite your rhyming genius, you have a limited vocabulary, rhyming "nasty" with "wasty," & you likely believe that "arsenic sauce" is a spicier version of Tabasco. 

  2. "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" (by Brenda Lee)
    You are inventive & dancy, & you long to host boisterous holiday parties attended by cardboard cut-outs of Michael Jordan.

  3. "Blue Christmas" (by Elvis Presley)
    You are depressing. No, seriously. I mean, maybe you also just really like classic rock, but, dude, this song is a bummer. My apologies to you & the King.

  4. "Frosty the Snowman" (by Gene Autry)
    Slightly delusional, you're known for muttering to yourself & carrying on conversations with stray cats & trying to get Parson Brown to marry you before he melts. Errr, "while he's in town."

  5. "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" (by Elmo and Patsy)
    You enjoy whoopee cushions & plastic poop &, look, I'm just going to give it to you straight: You're the relative everyone wishes they didn't have to invite to Christmas dinner.

  6. "Do They Know It's Christmas?" (by Band Aid)
    You like to think of yourself as a big-hearted philanthropist, but face it: You are also religiously intolerant. This song is possibly the most ignorant display of multi-religious denominationalism on holiday rotation, masked by lyrics of hope & help. No, they don't know it's Christmas because they're not Christian.

  7. "Baby, It's Cold Outside" (by any duo ever)
    "Say what's in this drink?" GHB. You assault women in your spare time, but only under the cover of poor weather conditions.

  8. "Carol of the Bells"(by people who hate me)
    A Christmas purist, you may also be a cast member of Home Alone and/or a criminal. This song sounds like mayhem & evil & Manheim Steamroller & sometimes appears in my most dramatic of nightmares.

  9. "All I Want for Christmas Is You" (by Mariah Carey)
    The other kind of Christmas purist, you are likely a former teenybopper now in your mid- to late-20s who feels strongly that Mariah Carey's Christmas classic is the reigning holiday pop song - heck, the only holiday pop song. Jessica Simpson who? If, however, your favorite is the newly released Mariah Carey-hitting-on-underage-Justin-Bieber version, there are two other options: A) You're 12, or B) You're a pervert.

  10. "Last Christmas" (by Wham!)
    You're me.*

    *ONLY THE WHAM VERSION COUNTS.

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