Tuesday, March 1, 2011

An Open Letter to the Barkingest Dog in the World

To the Dog in Apartment #5,

I couldn't even begin this letter with "dear." You are not dear; nothing about you is dear, despite the fact that you come in a deceptively cuddly, furry package. Now that I think about it, not-dear dog in apartment #5, I don't know whether I've ever even seen you. For all I know, you could be the cutest dog there ever was - or the ugliest. But for now, you remain something of a Wizard of Oz-like character, except that you cannot grant me wishes & you don't care a wink about my personal welfare, like how much I sleep or whether, when I do sleep, I hear your big, woofing canine voice in my dreams.

I've stopped keeping track of the things that set you off: the whirring of the driers in the laundry room next door, the sound of feet scuffling as neighbors walk past, the voices of handymen, the falling of a silent piece of dust outside your door. I know dogs have super-sensitive hearing, but you must have superpowers, dog, because you can pick up on a car door slamming miles away. That, or you don't care whether there's anything bark-worthy going on & you bark just to keep busy instead of, say, to alert people to potential dangers - thereby using your dog powers for evil rather than for good.

I confess, dog, that I have daydreamed on more than one occasion about how to best silence you. I'm afraid, though, that all of these solutions involve slipping rat poison under your door & hoping you're hungry for a powdery, mid-afternoon snack. The preferred daydream, of course, is that someone just trains you. Or moves you to a bigger apartment, or a house even, where you belong & which you deserve. I've even considered offering to walk you myself, just in case no one else has taken on the role, but this would mean, you know, walking a dog, & I don't really like dogs, all because a poodle once chased bicycle-riding, pre-pubescent me into a ditch. Sorry.

Here's what I don't get, dog. If you want to bark at the requisite barkable things - someone knocking on your door, for example, or people being really loud in the hallway (which, I should not, never happens) - I wouldn't give you any much flack about it. After all, you're a dog. You're supposed to bark; it's your God-given right & duty.

But here's the thing: You are the dog who cried wolf. Someday, God forbid, if there's ever a real problem - your owner has been dead inside the apartment for days, your kitchen is on fire, a burglar has hazarded to break into our little apartment complex - no one is going to believe you. I'm They're going to say, "There's that damn dog, barking again. Must be a Tuesday." And then your owner will continue to rot or your kitchen will continue to burn or the burglar will continue to burgle.

So you see, dog, you're really putting us all in danger with your constant, maddening, unrelenting, incessant - get the picture? - barking. Your credibility is totally shot.



*Blogger's Note: I want to make clear that I would never, never, never harm an animal & am mostly just angry with this dog's owners for not taking proper care of him. And I may indeed consider speaking with the owners if it keeps up. For now, though, I hope you'll appreciate the frustration expressed in my open letter & not take me for an animal hater or abuser!

22 comments:

Sugar Scientist said...

I used to live next to a dog that barked ALL THE TIME. Although, instead of cursing the dog, I used to fantasize about what I would do to the owner for her completely inability to train the dog. I DO NOT understand why people fail to properly train dogs and then keep them in teeny tiny apartments. This is one of the reasons why my husband and I will never own a pet in an apartment; we'll hold out until we can actually get the house with some actual space.

dcc said...

you know you could talk to the owner....

Suburban Sweetheart said...

Exactly. I want a cat. Cats are total apartment pets.

Suburban Sweetheart said...

I know, I know. I JUST moved here, so I feel like I don't have a right to
yet, if that makes sense...

Sugar Scientist said...

What about talking to management of the building? That way, s/he doesn't have to know it was you who complained. After the first several weeks of the dog barking 24/7 in our old condo building, someone (not us, though I wish I'd thought of it) contacted condo management to complain about the dog and she was informed that either she had to find a way to silence the dog or the dog would have to go.

Suburban Sweetheart said...

I think I'd have to ask my boyfriend to do it, as I'm not actually on our
lease (though living here with management's permission!). I think I'll try
to talk him into it.

theTsaritsa said...

That dog needs some lessons from Cesar, that would fix the barking problem. You should suggest her dog for the show!

Lustyreader said...

ugh, sucks. do you have an iPhone? get the Sleep Machine App IMMEDIATELY. it drowns out the four lanes of DC traffic on outside our bedroom window *perfectly* its a life saver, it's saved many people's lives since i otherwise would have murdered many sound making people/dogs/cars etc.

iselle said...

Unfortunately, some dogs are just bark-ey. My sister has a wonderful dog that is very obedient in every other way, and no matter how much training or how many walks he goes on (and he lives in a nice big house with a yard), he barks incessantly. It irritates her just as much as the other people who have to hear it. What else can she do, you know? They've tried collars that spray him with air when he barks, and all types of other ideas, nothing works!

Michelle said...

I think this is a great solution, that way you're not involved directly.

Stephany said...

Sometimes, I fear that this is what my apartment neighbors think of my dog. He's just naturally include to bark a million times, as a dashchund, but we are home the majority part of the day (or at least half) so I'm hoping he sleeps while were gone. Because, dude. He can be REALLY annoying when he gets into a barking frenzy. Have you thought about calling the apartment manager about it? A few times, people have called us about the dog. I'm not sure they can actually DO anything (they said they just have to let us know) but it does put them on a radar.

LBB said...

Loved this!

That dog just needs a daily walk.

terra said...

Poor dog. I count my blessings every day that I don't have dogs that bark at nonsense (usually - Sadie did get really freaked out once by a piled-high recycling bin across the street and would not shut up about it.)

Becky said...

BEST.LETTER.EVER.

taryn schettler said...

i have 2 neighbors like that! it's the worst thing ever! they both just leave their dogs tied outside barking for hours at a time! sometimes all night!

i feel your pain!

Stefanie said...

That picture reminds me of a golden retriever we dog sitted for a week last year. He was the most mellow dog - kinda like the Marley & Me dog. Fortunately, we have never had any problems with barking dogs (as in the neighbors' dogs). However, there are a lot of crying dogs in our area which, in my opinion, is the worst. Yes, and I was the neighbor who already called animal control several times because some people just don't know how to take care of their pets. It's sad.

Citygirlblogs said...

I love having a dog, but I still cringe when I hear a neighbor's dog who can't stop barking. One dog barks incessantly because she's alone so much, and another down the hall needs a good trainer. It's worth speaking with the owners!

steph anne said...

OH GIRL, I'm with you on this!! Our neighbors are always up at odd hours and leave their dogs outside for too long. It's so annoying when they bark for a looong time. Even I shouldn't be hearing it from inside my house because I'm deaf but it's really that loud & annoying! I've expressed my anger by banging on the wall inside my house near their backyard. Heehee. Tyler told me to grow up after that. Whatever at least it made me feel better, lol.

screamingnspace said...

totally had a neighbor like that. to top it off she and her bf would get in fights all the time. we're not even supposed to Have animals! finally ended up ratting them out to management about the dog just to get some sleep!

kim said...

poor guy. we have a dog like that right next to our bedroom but i think he only barks when he's alone. luckily that's not too often when i'm home. mostly, i feel bad for him but i have to admit that i might have felt the urge to strangle him on one or two occasions (that were a saturday morning at 8 am after a party-friday or something like that...).

thesystemworks said...

I'm familiar with a family who had a dog with a similar problem. Interestingly, the dog actually lost the ability to bark after running off into the wild for a few weeks before being discovered. The dog learned to bark again eventually, but never did so to a problematic extent again. Cases like this, when dogs go into woodlands and such, abound apparently. I don't know if it would work in an urban setting.

Erin B. Inspired said...

HAHA - I love this. As an owner of two Chihuahuas, I can't tell you the amount of times people have been in awe when I've told the dogs to hush and they do. Or the times they say, "Chihuahuas? Aren't they yappy?" And I correct them by saying they can be if they're not properly trained, but that mine only bark when provoked. Makes me sad that people get dogs but don't train them. Everyone needs training in life. Your parents "trained" you when they taught you right from wrong, correct? Good luck with Sir Barksalot. :)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Real Time Web Analytics