Monday, January 10, 2011

In Which I Channel Lil Wayne

The village that borders my hometown is a notorious speed trap. At first, the limit on the main roadway was a paltry 25, which was almost impossible to abide. When I returned from D.C., I was pleased to see it'd been upped to 35.

Tonight, doin' a buck in the latest drop, I got stopped by a ladycop.

OK, that's not entirely true, that's a Lil Wayne lyric. I was only going 45ish, not a buck (which I assume means 100, but I don't speak Weezy). Once I pulled over, I had no idea what to do because I haven't been pulled over since I was 19, in broad daylight on a scenic overpass on my drive home from finals.

My thought process went as follows: Shitshitshit, I can't afford a ticket. I can't even afford gas & groceries! Do I leave the car on? Maybe the officer will think I'm gonna flee the scene. Turn the car off! No, now I look really sketchy, all sitting here in blackness. And what if passersby can't see me & swerve into me & kill me? Also, I'm cold. Turn the car back on! Oh! Do I even have proof of insurance? What does proof of insurance look like?! How do people avoid being ticketed? I should start crying, like, 20 seconds ago.

The cop approached me as I rifled through my glove box, & although seated, I jumped about a foot. From there, the rest of my thought process went as follows: A ladycop?! Shitshitshit, now tears definitely won't work. Wait, wait, wait. Why am I thinking so straight? I dunno about this ladycop's preferences. Maybe tears will work after all!

Alas, I could not muster tears, despite my habit of crying at inopportune times. Now, I guess, I can't cry at opportune times, which just figures. The policewoman proceeded to tell me not that I was driving with reckless abandon but rather that I was driving with my headlights off. I was truly & honestly baffled.

"I was?" I asked dumbly.

"Well," she answered, "They're on now. Did you turn the car off & back on?" And then I had to admit that yes, I did, because I didn't know what to do when I got pulled over, like some teenage first-timer.

"I hadn't really driven for the last three years," I admitted nervously, which I quickly realized sounds like I'd had a suspended license or done time in lock-up or, you know, something Lil Wayne-esque. "I meannn, I lived in a city. I used public transportation. I didn't have a car. You know." Great, I am now rambling like a nervous maniac with a coke habit & maybe a facial tic.

The cop proceeded to show me the difference between my parking lights & my headlights. She let me go without a ticket - just a written warning & a severe loss of dignity.

19 comments:

Brian Ziegler said...

I have totally gotten bogus speeding tickets in Penninsula and Boston Heights. I definitely could have batted these baby blues for Ladycop to let me off the hook, but Mustachecop just wasn't having in. Kudos to your good fortune!

Liz said...

LOL this made me laugh. You are so cute when you're flustered. Glad you just got off with a warning.

Allison said...

this made me laugh! i can picture how nervous you were, stumbling over your words. i'd do the same thing.

Chaviva E. said...

Being pulled over = anxiety = tiger tears. I freak out when I get pulled over. You stayed cool. I love this thought-process post :) Glad you didn't get in serious trouble!

erin said...

awesome. So glad you didn't get a ticket!

Sandy a la Mode said...

oh my gosh!! you are hilarious!! once my mom got pulled over when i was like 5 years old and i bust out in tears and then the cop let us go hahah!!! not sure if that trick works when your older.. i guess maybe if it's a male cop! well glad u didn't get a ticket!!

Samantha said...

There was a time I got pulled over for not having my lights on. However, I didn't realize it either. Well, not until the cop just said "Do you know why I pulled you over"? I started SCREAMING "IDIDN'TEVENHAVEMYLIGHTSON!!!! THEY WEREN'T ON?! WHAT AM I THINKING?!?!!!" Seriously, screaming, not breathing/pausing. The cop laughed & let me go. I'm not a lucky person, but that was the luckiest moment of my LIFE.

screamingnspace said...

wow, you're awesome. and i've totally done that. got terribly lost in a big unfamiliar city and pulled over to had a panic attack, and when i pulled back on the road i forgot to turn them back on. cop gave me a warning and directions. so don't feel too bad. :D

Christopher said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. You got rid of her! That's whats important. Whatever it takes.

Awmber said...

Hahaha that's soooo funny! I mean... incredibly embarrassing. I'm sorry that happened. Erm...
That happened to me once. Here, you have to go through a couple levels of learners licenses, and you don't HAVE to get your full license ever if you don't want. Except you have a passenger restriction. And I allllways forget/don't abide by the rules. So one time I got pulled over thinking I was speeding, but really it was for having too many ppl in the car. And the other ppl didn't know I had a restriction. It was embarrassing that way... and I so didn't get away without a ticket.

chelsea said...

getting pulled over is scary no matter what! i've only been pulled over one time, and i was driving my mom's car and didn't have my license or insurance card with me at the time.....awesome! haha, luckily the cop didn't give me a ticket--he pulled me over because the light above my license plate was out...who does that?

Vicki said...

Ugh. I was just pulled over 2 months ago on the GW Parkway for not having my lights on. It was crazy dark and I have no idea what I was thinking, just didn't turn my lights on when I left. The cop pretty much told me I had been drinking (which I hadn't) and said that my husband was better off driving. Also, the cop's assistant a ladycop told Mr. B to put his hands on the dashboard in a gesture that made us assume she think we had drugs on us. Yes. 20-somethings in a Civic. Totes sketch. Just another reason why I don't trust the police.

Also, Free Weezy. I mean, he's free already, so not really, I guess?

Amy said...

Ladycops are the worst. Nothing works with them...tears, flirting, it's all useless. They're mean. Glad you got away with just a warning!

Nora_L said...

The very first night I drove the car I have now, I didn't realize that m y lights weren't automatic (my old car was) so I was driving with my day/running light ONLY until I figured it out. Thankfully nothing bad happened to me or other drivers, but it was scary! And it can happen to anyone, even those of us who drive on a regular basis... just don't take the time to learn our cars!

gingermandy said...

i wish i had enough fingers and toes to count how many times i have gotten pulled over since i started driving. and for the record - half of them were probably in ohio. IT IS THE WORST IN OHIO.

Sam Lehman said...

Remember, windshield wipers on, headlights on. It's the Law. Don't fight the Law, because when you fight the Law, well, the Law wins. Cause it's got Ladycops (which are like Robocops!)

Sorry, I'm giddy. Too much PB&J.

Rahul said...

Note to self. Pretend to not know how to operate a vehicle when pulled over. That can't fail.

graceelena said...

I am sorry but I laughed at this. I couldn't help it!

Ashlee Gadd said...

Hilarious. Glad you got off with a warning ;)

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