Tuesday, September 21, 2010

A D.C. Rant for the Road

Yesterday's post was a little emo, to be sure - but of course, I couldn't leave this city in good conscience if I didn't also leave with a few lingering rants. Because my brain is still mush, I'm mostly thinking in list form, but that's A-OK because bullet points are the best way to stage a countdown - in this case, to my number-one city-related pet peeve.

I present you: The Top Five Things I Won't Miss About the District of Columbia
  1. Too-hot-to-breathe summers. It's almost October, yet I still feel like I'm suffocating from the waist down any time I wear pants outdoors, & my . The South is not my friend.

  2. City vermin, i.e. rats (I swear I saw one the size of a cat the other night) & roaches (uh, remember this? And then THIS? I'm twitching just thinking about them.)

  3. The bad kind of tourists. Like the "Mommy Patriots" I got stuck between on a Metro ride last week. As if the phrase "Mommy Patriots" weren't bad enough, they had to go & make these shirts, which I'm sure they must've thought were quite clever:

    Come rallyin' day, though, I bet they felt a lot less clever about choosing light blue...

  4. Grocery shopping. You suburban folk would be appalled if you had to get yer foodstuffs the way we do here in the city. The closest supermarkets are one mile in either direction, which means loading my groceries upon my body like a pack mule as I bus home. A very sore, sweaty, whiny pack mule. My achin' back is cryin' out for a four-door sedan & a roomy trunk.
And finally, the number one thing I won't miss about our nation's capital....
  1. Escalefters. I still hate you, escalefters, & that's all there is to it. After three years of your left-standing bullshiz, I don't even have any words left for you.

    Wait! Don't go! I found some more words: If you are standing on the right but balancing a stroller on the left, you still count as an escalefter. In fact, I'd wager to say that you count double because you're less likely to move when I say "excuse me." Or maybe I won't even say "excuse me" because, you know, I actually am a nice person - & what if there's a baby in there, precariously balancing on the left as you try to He-Man its stroller up a mechanical hill? I'm not about to risk any babies' lives here, so I'll wait. But that doesn't mean I won't have a silent temper tantrum about it behind your back the whole time & then zoom past you like Michael Phelps in the final lap as soon as the escalator meets the pavement. And then? I'll blog about you, too. Because my ire knows no bounds.
This list could probably be a whole lot longer. I didn't even include, for example, the crazies who've threatened to kill me while I tried to enjoy my public transportation experience. For that matter, I didn't even include public transportation. But I'm trying to keep it upbeat, all right? And five is a concise, not-too-much-complaining number, lest you think I'm all rant & no rave.

Anyway, I'll probably post a list soon of things I will miss. And it'll be longer, & much less whinier. But it'll probably also feel at least marginally less satisfying. So there.

    16 comments:

    terra said...

    It's supposed to be 91 all freaking week. But at night it gets down into the 50s and 60s, just to tease us in the mornings before the sun burns away all the nice chilly fall morningness. Bah! Go away summer!

    Kyla Roma said...

    Escalefters? You made me grin with that one lol I can't wait to see how your new home will compare to DC :)

    phampants said...

    Hahaha! Escalefters! Never heard of that term before but I love it.

    Geophrie said...

    haha, I had to read escalefters three times to figure out what they were, but its true. They are evil and must be destroyed.

    Sadly, I think these things apply to almost every city in America...even the Patriot moms who seem to be a far too common presence here in San Fran.

    Liz said...

    I've never been to D.C. & now you kinda make me not ever want to hahaha.

    Suburban Sweetheart said...

    Haha, oh no! It's a wonderful city, I swear! But when/if you come... stand to the right, please! :)

    Suburban Sweetheart said...

    I'm so ready for the end. I'm wearing a wool cardigan today in an attempt to deny summer's lingering existence.

    Nora_L said...

    Don't worry, I always stand to the right.
    And I would be shocked at how you have to shop I'm sure!

    skinny_dip said...

    Almost every large American city I've visited feels like it has a lack of grocery store options in the urban core...with the exception of Seattle which seemed to have lots of Trader-Joe-esque places & the worst being Detroit. This could totally just be my biased perception - I think we're pretty spoiled in Toronto when it comes to grocery shopping in the city. With that said, whenever I go to the suburbs I'm amazed at how big & shiny & CLEAN (there is a big grocery store near my house but you'll probably see a trampled veggie or ten lying on the floor, displays knocked over) all the grocery stores are.

    Stephany said...

    Grocery shopping sounds like a nightmare. I go crazy just walking from my car to the apartment with a few bags. I couldn't imagine taking a bus. Eep!

    Jess said...

    I was just visiting there a few months back... and the traffic there is INSANE. I think it's because there are a lot of immigrants, and they are used to different ways of driving... but you could not pay me to drive in the city. Nope.
    Other than that it was extremely beautiful everything...

    eemusings said...

    How many supermarkets do you think we have in the suburbs?? It's not like there's one on every second block ;)
    Then again, maybe it's a US thing.

    Suburban Sweetheart said...

    True! Though I suppose my point was that in the suburbs, you drive your car to the supermarket & park nearby. You don't have to carry your groceries home on your person.

    Suburban Sweetheart said...

    It's SO BAD. And I'd argue that many of the immigrants likely don't have cars, as we working folk tend to use public transportation. It's all the commuters! And the tourists! And the cab drivers! And the diplomats! And the rich people! And... it's terrible. I would NEVER drive here.

    Suburban Sweetheart said...

    My hometown has such BIG supermarkets. They're, well, super. And here? Good luck. They're tiny & understocked, & even if I can find what I need, I probably can't carry it all home.

    Citygirlblogs said...

    This is a *great* list! I'm simultaneously laughing out loud and nodding in agreement.

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