Sunday, July 12, 2009

DC Fashion Week Goes Rogue

It's been awhile since I've presented you with a solid WTF-fashion blog, but I've got a LOT of pictures stockpiled up in this here iPhone, so the time has come. I also want you to know that a Google search for "DC Fashion" yielded the website for DC Fashion Week. Did you know it existed? I sure didn't. Who are we, Paris? Well, hardly. The tagline at the top of the page reads, "Establishing Washington as the Center of International Fashion," & while I'd love to get into the hilarity of this statement, I don't even think its necessary. If you've ever been to DC - or hell, if you've ever met the average poli sci major - you know that, despite Michelle Obama's best(-dressed) efforts, DC has never been & will likely never be a fashion mecca of anything beyond ill-fitting blazers & the occasional seersucker suit.

Cases in point:

  • Hey, Stripes! Muffin top is neither attractive nor comfortable. Save your stomach - & my eyes - the pain of too-tight denim by ignoring the size on the label & buying a pair that, you know, fits. Your digestive system will thank you.

  • There's no quirky name for muffin-topping your upper half, but I promise, the sentiment still stands. The lovely ladies at Nordstrom will be happy to measure you for a bra that doesn't cut off circulation to your ribcage.

  • And speaking of top halves: Men, I cannot understate the usefulness of undershirts.

  • And ladies, I cannot overstate the importance of... sleeves? Straps? Bras? SUPPORT? Not wearing a shirt that resembles half a poorly constructed toga?

  • Despite the previous sentence, I must also stress the importance of NOT wearing a bra as your bathing suit. I know you think you're sneaky, lady, what with that floral pattern & all, but the three-clasp adjustable back strap is a pretty telltale giveaway that you went all Fruit of the Loom on your swimwear. Oh, & so is the fact that it's see-through when wet.

  • Sadly, sometimes even seemingly cute pieces can be fashion don'ts. When purchasing a fluttery top with quirky arm-hole cutouts, for example, please first examine the shirt at all angles on your body. The "armpit hangover" look detracts from even the nicest of pecs.

  • Ah, the old "I've been sitting in bleach all day" look. Always a flattering one, especially in 1992.

  • And for my grand finale, look! I found the Great Pumpkin ordering lunch at Subway!

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