Cases in point:
- Hey, Stripes! Muffin top is neither attractive nor comfortable. Save your stomach - & my eyes - the pain of too-tight denim by ignoring the size on the label & buying a pair that, you know, fits. Your digestive system will thank you.
- There's no quirky name for muffin-topping your upper half, but I promise, the sentiment still stands. The lovely ladies at Nordstrom will be happy to measure you for a bra that doesn't cut off circulation to your ribcage.
- And speaking of top halves: Men, I cannot understate the usefulness of undershirts.
- And ladies, I cannot overstate the importance of... sleeves? Straps? Bras? SUPPORT? Not wearing a shirt that resembles half a poorly constructed toga?
- Despite the previous sentence, I must also stress the importance of NOT wearing a bra as your bathing suit. I know you think you're sneaky, lady, what with that floral pattern & all, but the three-clasp adjustable back strap is a pretty telltale giveaway that you went all Fruit of the Loom on your swimwear. Oh, & so is the fact that it's see-through when wet.
- Sadly, sometimes even seemingly cute pieces can be fashion don'ts. When purchasing a fluttery top with quirky arm-hole cutouts, for example, please first examine the shirt at all angles on your body. The "armpit hangover" look detracts from even the nicest of pecs.
- Ah, the old "I've been sitting in bleach all day" look. Always a flattering one, especially in 1992.
- And for my grand finale, look! I found the Great Pumpkin ordering lunch at Subway!