Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Fear Factor (Or "My Encounter With the Most Cliche Phobia Ever")

Last night marked a momentous but wildly unhappy occasion - my first cockroach.

While watching an episode of "Dawson's Creek" (fourth season, thankyouverymuch), something scurried out from underneath the chair in which I sat. Pointing, screaming & willing myself not to throw up, I stood by doing very, very little as my friend chased the little BIG bugger around my one-room apartment & finally did it in with one of my beloved Chuck Taylors, now hiding underneath the bookshelf where the roach tried to slip underneath:



A few notes:

  • Cockroaches are fast.
  • I am scared of cockroaches.
  • COCKROACHES ARE FAST.
I had no idea I was so terrified of the city's most hated pests, but there I was, hyperventilating like an asthmatic teenage track star, too frightened to even cry. There I was, even after the beast had been slayed & disposed of, jumping at imaginary movements seen from the corner of my eye. There I was, calling my mother in hysterics & rambling on & on about how I thought there were bugs in my bed & how I wanted to move, rent a hotel room, throw away my belongings so future (current?!) roaches wouldn't have anywhere to hide.

Today, I woke up with a heightened sense of fear but also with a renewed sense of feistiness. Observe! I bought this just in case of a recurrence:


It'll probably give me some rare cancer, so I'm gonna try not to use it unless I reach some sort of dire situation, though please cross your fingers against that. For day-to-day life, I purchased these instead:


So now these small chemical weapons are scattered throughout my minuscule apartment:


Listen, bugs - I'm fightin' back!

11 comments:

Alice said...

i went to school down in williamsburg, and we had not only normal, huge, vile cockroaches, but also huge, vile, FLYING COCKROACHES, i shit you not. these things were like 3 inches long and an inch wide, and would mate in midair and it was horrifying in every possible way imaginable.

allison said...

Just FYI - throwing a phone book works really really great for killing cockroaches - your aim doesn't have to be precise 'cause the phone book is so big, which also allows for the roach to run a bit and the book will still hit him. It's also heavy enough to squash the roach - and you can jump on said phone book a few times just in case.

Besides, who uses their phone books ever anyway?

Good luck!!!!

Dmbosstone said...

This is kinda why I don't wanna live in an apartment. I'm already pissed I have an ant problem- roaches would cause me to break out those chemical weapons so fast they would call me Chemical Ali (too soon?)

Malnurtured Snay said...

I had a few cockroaches in my last apartment, but I felt: "Hey, I got cats, they'll take care of them!" Except my cats were far too busy keeping pace with the roaches to kill and eat them.

I did see a giant two-inch cockroach outside my building Tuesday night. As long as it stays outside, we can live together in harmony.

Rachel said...

Remind to tell you about my war with mice, this past winter. Let me tell you, they are not nearly as cute in person as they are in Disney. I would take roaches over mice any day.

f.B said...

Ugh. I've had a giant roach FLY INTO MY HAND while I was sitting on someone's couch. Un. ac. ceptable.

Anonymous said...

THAT'S the spirit -- you go girl! @->--

PQ said...

The first night I was sitting on the stoop, I saw a bunch of roaches...A BUNCH...and freaked out. I hate cockroaches. Had to deal with them in my grandma's apartment in Turkey.

My roomie told me that they don't come in the house but you bet your ass I freak out in the middle of the night when I hear phantom noises on the floor.

Christina Anne said...

I am cringing just reading this! We had them at my old apartment a few years ago - ugh! Good luck, lol- I'm sorry you have to experience them!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Richard Gere feels guilty because he killed hundreds of cockroaches in NYC. Silly man. In my part of the world we eat them.

Alex said...

I can tell you from many years of apartment-dwelling that after a while, your fear will diminish. And all that will be left is murderous hate.

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