Sunday, March 15, 2009

I'd Rather Die Than Diet

When residents of my building want to dispose of things they feel others might find useful, they just leave them in the lobby near the mailboxes, which is how I got my lamp, my bedside table & a few books.

Last night, I discovered a far less useful throwaway - a week's supply of chocolate cookies! Sounds great, right? Billed as "a hunger controlling good," Cookie Diet chocolate cookies are intended to, well, control your hunger as you attempt to lose weight. You're supposed to eat six cookies a day, each followed by a glass of water, & the only meal you eat should be "a reasonable dinner."



My friend & I, of course, spent a good half hour laughing hysterically at almost every facet of The Cookie Diet, including its messaging, packaging and advertising. Oh -- and the TASTE! Yes, we opened a package of cookies & tentatively tried out the cookies that Cookie Diet founder Dr. Sanford Siegal has promoted on The Today Show. As suspected, they taste like sponges. But oh, wait:
The cookies' primary ingredient is water. A little further down the ingredient list is beef protein hydrolysate &, finally, cocoa powder. These cookies ARE essentially sponges - with a hint of meat flavoring.



My other favorite aspects of the Cookie Diet:
  • The guaranteed way to control your hunger is to EAT. Go figure! The Cookie Diet amounts to starving yourself all day (eating the occasional chocolate beef sponge to tide you over) & then eating a healthy dinner. Essentially, this diet amounts to cookie-encouraged anorexia.
  • The tagline at the top of the bag is "The Proven Weight-Loss Program That You Can Do With Your Doctor." Ummm? 'Nuff said.
  • In his photo on the cookie bag, Sr. Sanford Siegal is wearing a stethoscope, as though he needs to convince you that he really IS a doctor and, yes, the Cookie Diet is totally legit.
Fret not! A Cookie Diet kiosk is now open in Tyson's Corner, just a few miles away from the District! Anyone wanna go on a cookie adventure with me???

11 comments:

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f.B said...

A cookie adventure? Aweso-

Hey, wait. Real cookies, or spongey, meat-flavored ones?

LiLu said...

That is VILE! And who on earth would trust a doctor trying to push cookies on you?? Redic.

Sam said...

Wow, if only eating cookies all the time would actually help lose weight. I'm not surprised someone abandoned the cookies by the mailboxes!

(P.S. Hi there, it's been a while. Hope life is good! I'm so glad I found your blog)

Kali said...

Ew. EW. That's too revolting for words. Almost like those Slim Fast "milkshake" things you're supposed to have instead of meals. Makes me want to gag...

*trots off in search of real, full-fat cookie*

Anonymous said...

So wouldn't it be terrible if you found out someone once lost a bet and had to shave their head. Then, said that the reason for shaving their head was to promote cancer awareness, even though that was not their intention. Then continue to be tell everyone how great of a deed they did. You know, real preachy. Like they were the best person in the world or something. Oh wait....that's the same person whose blog this is. Bravo Kate. You're a champ.

Kate said...

Dear Anonymous:

First of all, you're a coward for posting that anonymously. Second, despite my curiosity, I don't much care who you are, because you're clearly an ass, & I just hope you're not parading as my friend in real life.

Also, when was the last time you heard me answer the question, "Why did you shave your head?" I'm betting on "Never," because from day one, I've always answered, "For a fundraiser, slash I lost a bet." Totally preachy & dishonest, I know!

But wow, this was a really good insult, though. You must hate me! To use such a zinger! Impressive! Oh, wait...

Eleanor Rigby said...

As someone who was there during Kate's baldness, I can completely attest to her using the "for a fundraiser slash lost a bet" phrase. Also, who cares why she did it? She did it, and it went towards a good cause.

Finally, if you think Kate is such a bitch, why are you reading her blog? Does a chance to cause her misery entertain you that much? Do you really need to make yourself feel better by anonymously insulting her on her blog? (and i use "insult" loosely because all you really did was say what Kate did)

Wearing Mascara said...

Kate,

I am sorry you had to read a crappy comment from someone who has to remain anonymous. I actually feel very bad for them that they can't stand up and say who they are. You're a lot different than them though because you write this blog and you don't hide - it's you, all you - while Anonymous has to hide.

It's disappointing really :-(

xoxo

Julie

Keith Simmerer said...

Embrace the hate! What none of you realize is the head shaving was actually for a Sinead O'Connor tribute act she was doing on the weekends for extra cash.. But there is far more money in doing a Kiss Tribute band so now she dons platforms, leather, bat wings, and face paint.

Andrew Gaug said...

It's true. She ripped up a picture of the Pope and everything.

OK....that's not true.

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