Saturday, November 29, 2008

Grandmaisms

I've been in Ohio for nearly a week now, hanging out with the family &, of course, experiencing the joy that is Thanksgiving. My family is (as most are) more than a little bit quirky - we sing in restaurants & we talk about food a lot, & actually, we have very little in common with one another except for singing in restaurants & talking about food a lot.

I love them, of course -- & they're hilarious. My cousin, for example, just gave my aunt, her mother, a birthday card that reads "As You Turn 90." My other aunt got us all electric toothbrushes for Christmukkahgiving (half the fam's Christian, half's Jewish, we so exchange gifts the day after Turkey Day), and my uncle bought us all Blistex & screwdrivers. You know you're an adult when you start getting tools & toothbrushes for the holidays.

My grandma, however, has some of the best one-liners I've ever heard. She doens't mean to be funny -- she just is. Here, I present you with some of this week's best grandma-isms. Enjoy.
  • Annoyed that a group of teens wouldn't scootch to the side of the parking lot row as we tried to locate a parking spot, she exclaimed, "They wouldn't hurry if their butts fell off!"

  • When my curly-haired aunt announced that using "product" had changed her hairstyling life, my grandma asked, “Is that the name of the stuff you use? Product?” (In case you were curious, no. It's not. She uses some Aveda stuff.)

  • In response to my aunt's extreme, menopause-induced hot flashes, she announced, "That never happened to me. I just dried up."

  • After placing the word "QUIT" on our Scrabble board for a none-too-shabby 13 points, she lamented, "Well, it's better than poking a stick in your eye." Aren't most things better than that?

  • As she attempted to convince me to salvage the ¼ of a raw potato I dropped into the trash can while peeling potatoes for mash, she yelled, "Just get it! The trash in that can is NOT dirty.” Isn't that the point of trash cans? Needless to say, I refused to retrieve it.

  • And my favorite... When I asked whether any of our breakfast bagels were plain, she replied, “These are plain, they just have a little stuff on them. They’re called ‘Everything.”’ When I laughingly told her, “Grandma, that’s the exact opposite of plain," she looked a little flustered & reponded, “Well, when you say it like that, it makes me sound a little dumb!”
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