Monday, October 29, 2007

Neon Life is Beautiful

I live in a neighborhood where all the signs are in neon, like a small, classy Vegas, & just as expensive. Our local shopping center is two blocks from my apartment building; it’s home to Petco, California Tortilla, a grocery store & a Halloween store, among others. Along the two-block strip, there are about four bars, six restaurants, three dry cleaners, a CVS, another grocery store, a movie theatre, a toy store, a consignment shop, a vacuum cleaner, repair shop and an abandoned Radio Shack (hey, it can’t all be sunshine & lollipops).

I’m from a suburb that requires a three-minute drive, at the very least, to get anywhere at all. When I was younger, I used to walk to the Krispy Kreme, the Dairy Queen & the CVS, but all three are gone now, & they were kind of a long walk anyway.

I absolutely love that when I realize, at 10:35 at night, that I’m out of shampoo & face wipes & eyeliner, I can walk the 30 seconds it takes me to get across the street and go buy new ones. Tonight the CVS cashier told me they’re making that store 24-hour, & I was entirely too excited. Nothing like the opportunity to pick up hair color & Oreos at 4 a.m. to make a girl love her location.

City life is the life.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

A Match Made in Geekdom Heaven

Akron, Ohio, has its own mini Craigslist, but there are some posts you're only going to find in big cities.

This
is one such post.

If you're into sportbikes, World of Warcraft & sexiness, this is the post for you. And if you're not into any of those, perhaps this picture will be enough to entice you:



This
girl may not be x-core enough for our Asian gamer, but she still sounds mildly hilarious.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Home Sweet Freakish Home

Since I just moved into my very first very own apartment in Northwest D.C., I thought it fitting that the current issue of the Bible – errr, of Glamour – features “99 Home Ideas.” Now, please bear in mind that my home is actually a glorified dorm room, lacking a kitchen (it’s called a “bachelor studio,” thankyouverymuch) & any semblance of furniture, save a lonely dresser. Still, I thought I’d see how my new abode measures up to the rest of the country.

In “Your home: What’s normal, what’s not,” Glamour reports a few around-the-house statistics. Let’s see how I compare.

  • 36% of women say their biggest decorating splurge was their bed
    I’m sleeping on a ratty, circa 1970 twin mattress that’s been plopped in the corner of the room, prison-style. My comforter was purchased in the children’s aisle at Target, although my mother insists it’s “Asian-inspired.”


  • $456 – Average cost of rent, in dollars, for a single young woman
    Single? Check. Young? Check. Paying $456 a month? Hardly. This glorified dorm room is costing me a whopping $935 a month, which is almost triple what I paid to live in a two-story, five-bedroom townhouse in good old Kent, Ohio.

  • 85% of women say they clean their home once a week or more
    I’ve only been here for a week, so it’s difficult to tell whether I’ll fall into this category of Bree Hodge Wannabes, but let’s be honest – it’s exceptionally unlikely. Unless, of course, swiping a couple Clorox pads across the bathroom floor qualifies as “cleaning.” Somehow, I doubt it does.

  • 31% of women say most of their furnishings are hand-me-downs
    Finally, a category I can align myself with! Both my aforementioned mattress & my tiny white dresser are from my childhood bedroom. My rickety desk, however, is from CVS, & I’m pretty sure I assembled in incorrectly. Or maybe desks from CVS are intended to be rickety. Maybe both, but definitely the latter. Either way, it'd probably be better off being a hand-me-down -- at least they have character.


  • 35% of women younger than 45 own their own home
    Based on the last four statistics, I think it’s safe to say that there’s no way in hell I’m coming anywhere close to this one.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Public Nudity & Spreading the Love

Overheard today at the Q Street entrance to the Metro, spoken by a tidy if still unattractive young professional on a Blackberry: "Dude, I just had a physical in the spring, so she definitely didn't catch that from me."

I guess there's nothing like a public announcement of genital cleanliness to catch the single ladies' attention, right? Perhaps he'd be welcomed at this event, also advertised in the circle:



I don't exactly know what this means -- or, for that matter, when it's taking place -- but it sounds catchy.

No pun intended.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Starving in the City

The contents of my fridge are the lamest thing ever:




They are: a McDonald's fruit & walnut salad and two bowls of leftover pasta that I stole from a conference we had at work this weekend. I tried to go pseudo-grocery shopping at CVS, but a combination of mixed-up priorities & poor food selection led me to purchase the following: Chex Mix, an apple cider air freshener, Raisin Bran Crunch, black eyeliner, Cinnamon Toast Crunch bars and the November issue of Glamour.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Faux Car-Jackings & Emotional Breakdowns

The following is a TRUE STORY.

I got off the Metro at 8:00 p.m., on the dot, & proceeded to realize that my car was absolutely absent from the parking deck. I wandered the oddly constructed maze of a structure for 20 minutes before retreating nervously to the station manager's office to report, "I can't find my car." He called the cops, & I retreated up the escalator to wait... where I promptly burst into uncontrollable tears.

A good Samaritan who witnessed my tearful outburst stopped to console me, asking for details & helping me deduce what could possibly have happened. Because I'm moving into my new apartment tomorrow, my car was packed with a ton of my stuff. As I was quite sure I hadn't parked illegally, warranting a tow, I assumed the worst - someone had spotted the new Target trash can & the Black & Decker toaster over in my back seat & made off with them in my beloved Sylvia the Civic. "That's it," I conceded. "Stolen."

I made a few more laps to look for the car, hyperventilating as I tried to tell The Samaritan what was happening - no luck. When I returned to the station area to wait for the police, the good Samaritan returned, this time with her husband & children. Her husband helped me locate an address for the towing company, which reported that they had not, in fact, taken my vehicle today. While I kept waiting for the 5-0, the Samaritan Fam took off in their own vehicle to circle the lot and make sure I hadn't missed mine.

The Attractive Cops showed up, where I burst back into tears & explained my situation. They assigned me to sitting & waiting for the Samaritans to return while they, too, walked the lot in search of dear old Sylvia --- just in case. As I sobbed to my mother on my cell & caused quite the ruckus within the station area (people were staring, I was ignoring), Mr. Samaritan gave me a little ring & said, "Your car is in 2D. We're here with the police."

Attractive Cop Numero Uno retrieved me from my waiting post & we trekked to 2D, where Attractive Cop Numero Dos was standing next to Sylvia, who was still packed with my toaster oven & my various other belongings, thank heavens. Mr. Samaritan called one more time to be sure everything worked out all right - I thanked him & the Metro PD profusely, & called my mother to reassure her that no, my car had not been jacked in the 'burbs of Maryland.

Moral of this story??? I'm a tool, yes, but you already knew that. The real moral is this: I AM MOVING TOMORROW, & I COULD NOT BE ANY HAPPIER THAT I NEVER HAVE TO DRIVE MY CAR TO THE GLENMONT METRO STATION EVER AGAIN.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

That Bitch Named Karma

In Monday's post, should you have missed it (which you shouldn't have), I discussed the sheer hilarity of watching Leggings-As-Pants Girl trip some businesswoman at the top of the Metro escalator. The woman biffed so hard she lost a shoe, like a Dane Cook-style hit & run, which I, of course, adored.

And yesterday morning, while crossing New Hampshire with a cinnamon raisin bagel and a cup of fruit from Cosi, my black & white tweed flats betrayed me. Their not-so-superbly tractioned soles gave way to the dewy morning concrete, and I royally WIPED OUT mid-crossing. I literally dropped to my knees in a baseball-style slide right in the center of the crosswalk. I dragged my pathetic self to the center island, where I proceeded to whimper, bleed & blush furiously as two highly attractive men offered to call me a cab.

My ego isn't nearly as bruised as my swollen right knee, but my karma sure did catch the hint.

Monday, October 8, 2007

A Smorgasbord of Awesomeness

I apologize for not having more of a theme for today’s post, but think of it as a buffet of quirkiness. I also apologize for having been gone for more than a week, but I’ve been A) uninspired, and B) overcome by the magnetic urge I have to fill out Myspace surveys in bulk.

On my long trip home to Ohio last weekend, I stopped at a Maryland rest stop as was both appalled & amused to discover that Utz, D.C.’s potato chip company du jour, sells the following snack. Seriously, does anyone purchase these? Who says, "I’m hungry for spuds, but I’d also like seafood. This is perfect!"


Best vanity plate ever. Period.


I know it looks like I was peeping up this girl’s skirt, but really she was just standing on the escalator step above me. I took it so I could make some quip about not confusing leggings with a similar yet much more crucial article of clothing – pants – but when we got to the top of the escalator, the girl tripped a woman toting a rolling briefcase… & she face-planted so hard that she lost a shoe in the fall. I could still comment on this girl’s unforgivable decision to use leggings & pants interchangeably, but she’s way cooler now that she’s tripped someone in such a hardcore fashion.


There’s nothing particularly terrible about this guy, but doesn’t he just look insanely Scandinavian? I expected him to bust into Ace of Base just before he hopped off at Union Station.


Apparently this woman felt it’d be a fancy idea to tie her hair up with… more hair. I would be outstandingly unsurprised to discover a small family of bluebirds residing somewhere within this trainwreck of follicles. I wanted to hand her a hairtie to replace those braids with, but I was afraid her 'do would swallow the elastic into its abyss.

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